its been a while since i've blogged.. i miss doing so so much. OCS really doesn let you do such things anymore. I wish i wish. Things have not been going all that well but i am coping. Thanks to Gods grace. I still get to book out every weekend to relax from a tiring tiring week.

To look back and regret is the hardest thing for a person but i think that in the past year i have not. I wonder. Am i ready? Sometimes the loneliness forms up within and i hurt so bad. I wish i had someone for support. Someone to love, someone to hold, someone to hug. Till den, my pillow i hold. I wish myself a good rest and good sleep. Nite

I dunno whats come over me. Esp over that last week. My heads playing games again. Argh.. Was so sure that i was over this. Am so confused. I dunno what i am doing. I live through the week for the day of bookout ( now known as liberty in the navy) to come out and when i dun have ne one to go out with i get depressed. Not really but a lill sian lar.. den as the hours go by, it starts to multiply and intensify. I realised another thing that i used to do alot was chat on the phone... weird for a guy right? yeah whatever... but every since that last year, its been so different and i;m beginning to miss it. I have been all this while but not as much as now. Die lar.. have no idea how i am going to be able to get through this week smoothly... I truthfully am uncertain. I'll back in camp in a lill bit. How? how?

Lord i pray for the serenity to fall on me again.
For me to look for you always.
Whether in times of joy, pain, etc.
but yet again if this is something that you require me to go through, i'll do it
but i am weak so please walk with me every step of the way.
i thank you for all you've done thus far.
I commit this week into your hands.
Cover me by your grace
never let me take my eyes off you.
Amen

I'm am unwritten, cant read my mind, i'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition,
sometimes my tries,
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

yet again. yet again. This feeling overcomes. Everything seems to disipate of colour. Depression? i dunno. i would guess so. Have realised that sometimes i rely on certain people to pull me through this life that i so dread to lead. Since i've booked out on friday night, i haven really been out with friends cept janna for dinner yesterday but that was all. Mainly i was so so tired and there was no one to go out with. Sad ya? i also think so. The tears no longer come. i have become so accustomed to it already. Army has taken up much of my time so what will it be if there was no army? would i still be suffering? would i. I'd like to know. It'd define whether i have truely grown from what i used to be. its been a fucking year dammit. How can it be that i have not yet jumped a chapter in my life. The little bits that are left dragging along. No everyone experiences this kinda thing so y me? one of the lucky few? just my luck ya. !@#$. am late. have to go.

i got a story it's almost finished
all i need is someone to tell it too
maybe, thats you.

our time is borrowed and spent to freely
every minute i have needs to be made up
but how?
im looking for a nice way to say"i'm out."
i want out.

i fall asleep with my friends around me
only place i know, i feel safe
im gonna call this home

the open road is still miles away
ain't nothing serious
we still have our fun
oh we had it once
but windows open and close
thats just how it goes

dont it feel like sunshine after
allthe world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are

im in love with the ordinary
i need a simple spaceto rest my head
and everything gets clear
well im a little ashamed for asking
but just a little helps
it gets me straight again
helps me get over it

it might seem like a dream
but it's real to me

dont it feel like sunshine after
allthe world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are

you should the canals are freezing
you should see me high
you should just be here
be with me here
it doesnt seem theres hope for me
i let you down
but i wont give in now
not for a million nows

have i mentioned how tired i have been lately. I am so TIRED!!!!!

DUN WORRY THIS AIN'T SOME SUPER ARMY ENTRY

I started OCS with a sense of sadness. In BMT, i gave almost my best to get there. That was where i wanted to go. To me, it was the place where the best of the best went but when i looked around when i was physically there, it hurt. It made me not really wanna perform. Not really wanna be there. It make me wonder why i bothered to try to hard in the first place. The ocs song's chorus goes like this:

we come from ocs
we are the very best
leading with dignity and pride
wherever we go
we will always show
our spirit lives forever more

I've learn that no spirit need to be broken. Mine broke. It was wayang land. I cant stand it. In my head i gave up when i could not set a goal. But in the one month there, I got to know this group. We are kinda like the band of brothers, mainly because there are 7 of us so.. haha.

Victor(donkey)
He laughs like one so...

Pius(Mojojojo aka malaysian)
we all think he looks like a monkey so mojojojo came into play.. plus the aka coz he is one... no offence intended

Zhiwei(Sleeping Beauty)
He can sleep anywhere anytime. If there was a job of professional sleeper, its him.. Without getting caught too..

Aaron(Gayboy)
Victor thinks he is gay.... and he is my darling so... haha

Jeremy(Sampan)
As lame as it was, he was going to the navy so sampan it was.

Nicholas(Pt Nick)
Physical Training ic therefore PT nick!

and me. That makes 7.

This week, i was informed that i will be going to the navy and PT Nick to the air force. Sampan and Gayboy signed on to the navy already. The group was broken in 3. Though nick and i had our reasons to go, the hardest part about it is we have to leave them.

Really, without them, i'd probably feel left out. We joked, laughed, ate, laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed... you get the idea. We all encouraged each other to persevere. There is so much i could write about that here but i have to go soon. Without you guys, i might not have even made it through the first month.

Victor texted me this yesterday
"my brothers in arms, no matter what, we'll reunite again at the parade squareon our commission day. Just remember, no matter how tough training is, we'll pull through. I thank god for letting us meet in our passage of life. We'll be each other's pillars of strength, filled with determination to achieve success. Thanks for the memories. Its something i'll treasure dearly for the rest of my life. TANGO!"

I share much of the same testiment as you my friend.

Sometimes, I get tired of this me first attitude
You are the one thing,
that keeps me smiling
That's why I'm always wishing hard for you
Cos your life shines so bright
I don't feel no solitude
You are my first, star at night
I'd be lost in space without you

And I'll never lose my faith in you
How will I ever get to heaven, if I do

Feels, just so fine
When we touch the sky me and you
This is my idea of heaven
Why can't it always be so good
But it's alright, I know your out there
Doing what you've gotta do
You are my soul satellite
I'd be lost in space without you

And I'll never lose my faith in you
How will I ever get to heaven, if I do

I'll never lose my faith in you
I'll never lose my faith in you

I dedicate that to you all.

I'll send you guys the part to fit in here.

-----abrupt ending-----

Sigh. My computer is giving me problems. Last week my backup drive went kapuut and now my c drive is down... Will have to format the whole computer. Its really making me really frustrated. I have so much on my head already. dammit. Going to have to be spending a long time formatting this and i dun have the cd. But whats the pt. My cd rom drive is undetected my the comp so whats the use? !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#@$!@#$!@#$!@#$

hmm.. i wonder how many people are actually left reading my site. maybe i should put in a counter. will see if i have the time later. Btw, i have another 'blog' page thats catered to my ocs life. If there is nothing here you'll probably find it there. Have no time to do up the linking and all so i'll just dump it here (its so so so so not finished.. no time to add in the entries.. but it'll be up soon k.. within the next couple of weeks i promise.)

I spent yesterday with someone special from the past. It brought back much memories and much more. I dun regret meeting up yet i do. My head was seriously messed up after that. Very to the power of log dunno what. Deep down, i guess that the hope has not died just yet. It lingers on a very fine string. Jessica i have so much to say to you but the time is not yet right.

Had a chat with Anand and Stephen bout it(2 of my friends whom i treasure dearly). They helped me to reassure myself on what i should be doing. When your mind is in a mess, its hard to have total complete analytical perception as your own views are always swayed. I was reminded to focus on what i want and my current point of life. To once again take things one step at a time. To fix up the pieces of me. To settle down to my current life. To decide what i want. To take time to do so. To do what i wanna do. One step at a time. Not concurrently with too many things to take.

Thanks guys.

Not much time left coz i gotta pack my stuff so i'll leave you with this:



I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it feels to be me
Then you'd see and agree
That every man should be free

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing 'cos I'd know how it feels to be free

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear
For the wholeWide world to hear

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One lifeWith each other
SistersBrothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

o yes i should be out almost every weekend from now onwards so yeah!!!

am back from safti!

i dunno. so many things have happened since den but its rather screwed up here at home.. comp is down... all my info is all FUCKING gone. am damn pissed.. i'm preparing to go out and there is so much to be done.

all i have to say for now is:

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending i don't love you

its finally reached the 4th and its time to go. I've pack my stuff but hope that i have not forgotten anything. There is so so much to bring... its dreadful.

Hope that i dun end up in alpha company. Heard that its just crazy... crazy... crazy... pray for me... see you all soon

The last day before i go in for another 3 weeks... haiya.... somehow it saddens me... having been out for a lill more den a week, i've realised that free time is really valuable but just like everything else, in moderate amounts. Yet i want to have too much free time so that i can bum around. Strangely, i missed army on the first few days out... WTF rite????? just when you are inside for such a long period of time, i've begun to rely on its system. Everything is basically planned out for you. Lyk for when you wake up? Its a certain time each day. After that is the morning exercise. Den the different trainings for the day. No wonder when some people come out from army they cant just fit back into society. They probably have to go through the 'de-regimentation' which i must add must be much harder den regimentation they once went through.

Liz for the first time in months called just when i was about to sleep..(about 4 in the morn). Glad to hear that she's fine and all and hopefully her life will take a turn for which she has dreamt about for all these many years. I remember the times when we all, vin, liz and me used to hang out lots. Sad to say but after that we all went on different roads. Till many years later. I missed those times babe.

Wimbledon is a nice nice show... Rather predictable but its touches the heart...... And yes i have a heart you bastards...... Its a show bout tennis and a movie is never complete without love. To sidetrack, i guess neither is a person. Shan't spoil it fer you people so go watch it. Its short but still, i think its worth the cash.

Sometimes i dun get myself. When i'm attached, i wanna be single. When i'm single, i feel lyk getting attached.... FUCKED UP....... well, decided to stick with single but till She comes along. She? you may ask? i dunno who that is. When the time comes, i guess things will work out. In whatever way its supposed to be.


Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity
Outstretched arms, open hearts,
If it never ends, then when do we start?

I'll never leave you behind,
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did recieve

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I..

Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind,
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever ever ever did recieve

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel.. feel.. feel.. feel


i really wish i could but i guess it'd only be in my dreams.

NRIC:

S8425803B

Name:

ANDRE CHEAH RUIQIAN

Comd SAF BMTC congratulates you for your successful completion of the BMT.
Your Posting Order is listed below:
1.	You are posted to	SAFTI MI.
2.	Your vocation is	OFFICER CADET (CBT).
3.	Your are to report to:	SAFTI Military Institute, Warrior's Hall.
	Reporting Date/Time:	04/10/2004 at 0700 to 0800 hrs.
	Person to report to:	AMPO
	Contact Number:	67997200/342/654
	You are required to report in smart no.4 uniform (PES E recruits to be in No 3 uniform), except for those assigned to Police Force.

speaks volumes more than i could say

Went out with the ultimate team this week quite a bit.. mainly coz derek and weiliang are going into the army tmr... well, thinking about it, maybe its about time that i touch one the touchy topic of it.

I started disc knights with stephen and from what it looks like now, its gone a long way. a long way without me that is. Fucking army lar. Well, cant say that i hate it. Just loath the fact that i was with the team while all of this occurred. Even now, the team seems to be getting better and all. Some of those whom i know, mainly stephen, nun, weiliang, wenyao, qian hui, nigel, gen, derek, kelly. Thats about it. Excluding kelly, whom i just recently met coz the group met to watch a show, those are whom i used to play with.

Sometimes it really pisses me off when you put your heart and soul into something den you have to go away. sad.

I've been considering whether i wanna come back and rejoin the team. Dun get me wrong saying that i only wanna be know as a leader of a founder of dk. It doesn matter to me... its a team we built up and i just wnana be in it but there are things holding me back from doing so. Mainly, i probably cant play anymore. How long has it been?? 4 months? hai.... also, if my dream comes true and i get to ocs, i cant afford to have injury and go out of training you see....

predicaments predicaments.... sob

what should i do?

I really cant wait for the 1st oct. That'll be the day that determines where i'll be posted to. You must think that i;m crazy to be lyk so "siao on" bout army. I cant say that i'm not actually. But i am not either... well.. maybe its time to rest and let my processer take a rest. Its been through a long long day.

For the past few months, if you have read most of my blogs, you'll probably realise that i am confused with sadness and pain from a relationship. For the sake of my army mates whom just might be reading or browsing through when they have nothing to do, I was with a girl whom i loved for about 2 years. Jessica. About October last year, complications happened and i was forced to end it in january though it was the only thing i lived for. I have been searching for answers to why it had to end but over time, i figured that i was probably asking the wrong questions.

Here goes. I'll just type whatever is going through my head so its going to be messy.

I am unsure but i think that i have found e purpose i have been looking for all this while. Ironically, the thought popped up while i was watching White Chicks ( btw its a funny ass show). Back to the topic, Its not a fully developed purpose yet but i am beginning to see certain signs of something rather concrete. Finally.

I'll begin more after especially thanking a few people below:
Janet, June, Bernie, Rosemary, Jane, Anand, Howie, Bobby, Catherine, Vin, Adelene. You guys have truely been my shining light that has enabled me begin climbing out of that never ending bottomless pit. That pitch darkness without a glimmer to residing pain has begin to disipate. The pain is gone but at times, the loniness pays a visit. Ever once in a while. I dunno how to thank you all so i'll just put it here.

Catherine Kay.. I have not missed you out. Neither do i have different classes of friends. I once valued friendship above all. As of now, it has become that once again. There is no such thing as first class or second blarblar classes of friends. The msg above does apply to you as well.

Cheryl, you have been the one whom has held me through the most. Definitely my support in time of need. I will always be there for you whenever i can as well. You are something different. You are someone special. Hope you can say the same for me. I dunno what to say really. I guess i'll say this.
We care,
we share,
we laugh,
we cry.
The threads of love
with which to tie,
the knot of friendship
till we die.


thinking continues...........

to those whom do not know, i am a christian. Not a very good one sad to say. I am a smoker and my image is sadly no where near christ. But i wanna say that i love you lord. I dun care whether others laugh at this or not or find it funny that spirituality comes into play with the problems that i experience. Through this major chapter in my life, i am beginning to see your plan.

Somewhere along the way, i lost sight of whom i was. Totally. I found her though. The one whom i thought would be with me through the end of time. I spent all my time with her. But nothing is ever certain. Xept you lord. I can only blame myself for losing sight of you. Over the last 5 years, i have turned to smoking. To relieve whatever stress or pain or depression in my life. Yes i know its just a temporary release. I wont look back too far else this is going to take forever and i'll never be able to publish it. I have learnt to love. Something i dun think many will understand. I know what it is.

My platoon sergeant had this quote somewhere. it says something lyk this. With ever adversity, every failure, come with it a seed of equivalent valued or benefit. It makes absolute sense to me.

Whether you like it or not, your friends affect and define you in a certain way. To me, ever person whom i meet across this journey, is not by chance.

Even in the army, with such a diversity of characters, you have somehow made me remember. Through the times in there, i learnt to overcome pain. Overcome fear. Overcome depression. etc. To try to step up and lead. Definitely, my mental tolerance has increased greatly.

To x-Hawk company platoon 3 47th ptp batch: desmond (model rec), alex (shorty), daniel (lamp post), brian tay (small brian), dillon (my bitch), jackson teo, jian bang (lim bo seng), you xiang (mickey mouse), jiajun (maximum SPIDER), sian tiong (act garang), alvinder(ostrich), andy, alan(flat foot), teepao(cough cough), raj (whatever), jared, zixiong (towkay), weesiong(snow white), hankeong, ban hong(vincent), squirrel (wei yuan), benny (wink wink), matthew(combat stress), jason (scholar), yin lai, jian long (bronchy, dinosaur), weekee, jackson tang (medic), jing xiong (bear), ke jin (muscle man, valentino, sentosa), singh, hazli (haz), tim (pussy), hongjie (wah sleepy ar?), yinliang (yin lai), brian chua (big brian), thiam heng (moral booster ic), gilbert (bert), john (lorry), gene (according to 3sg ong its s*ck c**k buddy), kenny (commando), ting chye (tie chee). Not forgetting 2lt ismail, 2sg deszo, 3sg didicazli, 3sg ong, 3sg liew, 3sg shawn. Hope i din miss ne one. Thanks again for being our commanders. Though you din ahve much of a choice.

To just simplify it all, i have learnt what love is. But the most important thing left is friendship has once again taken the number one spot for my priorities. I am learning to control emotion. Learning to control the mental power i am blessed with. To push it to the limit. I even dare to say that i am super serious about quitting smoking. But thats a long term goal... maybe by the age of 21. I dun wanna leach on to someone to help me quit. It must be cultivated from within.

I'll have to end it here in case no one wants to read a long long blog...

After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun


Moving on down the street
I see people I won't ever meet
Think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

The rhythm of her conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on


But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

The battles almost won.
The battles almost won.

To many, this may seem boring but well, my army life has reached an important time so i will type it here. I have passed out from basic military training.!!!!!

cant think. will touch more on this soon

i cant believe it.... i actually watched a horror flick (ghost)... grrr.... cheryl la.. all her fault... rite not? well, it was a pain experience for my ear (was covering the right side to make the audio mono to reduce impact of scariness) and i was being such a pussy in the theater. i was hiding behind my cap... refusing to watch most of the intimidating portions. Hopefully no one saw me doing so else i'd be so humiliated. Anyway, finally i get to meet her to catch up and all but we dun have time to do so. Well.. too bad i suppose. just another excuse to meet you some other time.

A small world. Singapore is too small. I received a call from a childhood church friend today asking how i was. Nice fellow. Asked me about a friend in my platoon. Gee.. Maybe its not such a bad thing..

BMT will begin its final phase next week. Practicing for the parade. Heard that its a whore of a time. In a bad way that is. SSM (School Sergeant Major) will be in charge or us. That giant (1st warrant) red ant (commando), is just so grrr.... sends shivers down my spine. Hope that i wont be scolded for nothing. He looks like a murderer. Seriously, those are the kind of people that we require for our army.

Cant really get to sleep even though am so totally shagged out. Thoughts so abstract that paragraphs dun even make 10 lines long. Am at this moment drinking VODKA MUDSHAKE CARAMEL. Its not too bad. Yawn. I shall try. I shall try. I shall try to go to sleep.

现在也只能欣赏 唯一的合照一张
淡忘了的是那个街角 想念的是当时的微笑
生活中交错失望 越想念就越孤单
若再被寂寞迎头赶上 多感伤原来只是正常
你是不是也在品尝 一个人的咖啡和天光
是不是也忽然察觉到 多出时间看天色的变换
如果有一天 我们再见面 时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略 互相伤害之外的感觉
如果哪一天 我们都发现 好聚好散不过是种遮掩
如果我们没发现 就给彼此多一点时间
生活中交错失望 越想念就越孤单
若再被寂寞迎头赶上 多感伤原来只是正常
你是不是也在品尝 一个人的咖啡和天光
是不是也忽然察觉到 多出时间看天色的变换
如果有一天 我们再见面 时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略 互相伤害之外的感觉
如果哪一天 我们都发现 好聚好散不过是种遮掩
如果我们没发现 就给彼此多一点时间
如果有一天 我们再见面 时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略 互相伤害之外的感觉
如果哪一天 我们都发现 好聚好散不过是种遮掩
如果我们没发现 就给彼此多一点时间

For those whom dunno, "pop" is an army guys term for passing out parade. The point where you become a private instead of a recruit. Its nothing great but when you are in tekong for some what which feels like a long long time, it begins to make sense.

Yesterday, it went rather differently from expected. I din really expect pple to remember my birthday maybe xept my family but i was wrong. I was truely touched by many. Its nice to know that you are remebered. Haha.

Din do much yesterday. Was too fucking tired to do shit really. Went out with a couple of friends for dinner and that was about it. Came back about 2300 and den spent time redoing e layout on the blog. Yawn. Army really drains energy man. seriously.

Have never really bothered about my birthday ever since primary 4. That was the time that my parents and relatives decided that the cousins dun have to meet up to celebrate e kids birthdays because it was getting too much of a hassle. Some fucked up family har. Well, we are all different and through that, i have lost the meaning of birthdays. Doesn really seem that i am 20. What difference does it make? I still remain constant. Nothing has changed. Till last year, i never really did celebrate nething for birthdays. She started it all and i fail to wipe clear that memory. Din wanna meet many coz of the fear so reminisence.

Nuff bout that. Life moves on.

My grandma in florida is safe. The damn hurricane just blew off the roof of the patio but the house was ok. Really glad. Though i dun really see her often, she still is family and i know that she loves us very much. No matter what, Blood is so much thicker den water. Thank you Lord for keeping her and my uncle safe.

too many processes running in head.
alt+f4.
cntr+alt+del.
*takes out zippo*
*clink*
*a flame burns*
*smoke fills the lungs*
*exhales*

You say it was like this
I was torn between 2 worlds
One full of promise
And the truth I knew would hurt
You say I'm no angel
Tryin to put the past behind

So now I try to find
A place to leave all
Memories in my mind
We try, our lives away
Then stumble into the grave
We cry, and still they stay
The past won't go away
The story of my life

See I was just thinkin
Now my life is on the road
The straight and the narrow
On the route that I've been showed
You know its not easy
To try to change your ways

So now I try to find
A place to leave all
Memories in my mind
We try, our lives away
Then stumble to the grave
We cry, and still they stay
The past won't go away
The story of my life

A place to leave all
Memories in my mind
We try, our lives away
Then stumble to the grave
We cry, and still they stay
The past won't go away
The story of my
Try, our lives away
Then we stumble to the grave
We cry, and still they stay
The past won't go away
The story of my life


If ne one reads this remembering my bday, i'm still not back from camp yet. I'm having my range now. Sad isn't it? haha. O well, I'd just be glad if someone would remember. I think that it'll help me to remember that i still hold some value here on earth.

Finally another week goes by and my tired body once again gets a rest. Well, sorta. From today, it'll be a week. Den another 2 weeks after that to pop. How wonderful is that. Not very har.

The last time i made a wish, it din turn out right. Well, this year, i have decided not to make one. Was in the car just now when my dad fetched me back from camp. An emptiness bore a hole straight through me. The scary pain once again set in. I close my eyes and think of her and it seems all but a dream. Thats probably what it is now. Nothing. Picked a shell from Palau Tekong at the Situation test site on the first night there. Looking at it brought back such happy thoughts but all that remains now seems so hardened, dead. What can i do so that i can forget you jess?

All that i look forward to is getting to know where i will be posted to after bmt. My hopes are now shacky. Just hope for the best. OCS, will you await me?

As my time in bmt comes to an end within the next month, i look back and remember how i aimed to be either a platoon best, best physical training and stuff, i realise that those dreams are slowly fading. I failed to even get best Pt in the platoon in the last evalution test. Am so tired. Just hope that things will turn out well. Its good that many of our platoon members are beginning to excel so i wish them all the best. All i hope now, is that i will do the best that i can and be all that i can be. My ultimate target is to become an officer. If that fails i at least wanna become a good platoon sergeant. Only time will tell. Within this next month.

Quarrelled with my parents this morn. I hate it when that happens. I was suppose to send them to church and then make my way to my own church but i decided that i did not wanna do that. My dad got really pissed. I admit that my spiritual life is going downhill but i dunno why i dun seem to want to go back to church. I dun really understand it myself. When i agreed on that yesterday, i really din mind going to church but when i awoke this morn, things took a turn. Sigh. Why why why. I wonder.

Situation test is this week and i can only hope that i can do really well in this. There is so much to be done.

well, i am going to return to anime world to watch my naruto as i have no mood to blog right now.

In the field, there is basically nothing for you to do. So i kept thinking... about lotsa stuff.... abstract.... thats probably the thing which tired me out the most. I wont dwell here about how FUCKED UP field camp because if you wanna know what its like you can ask you friends whom have been through it. All or rather most guys will have...

There was a night that i saw fireflies... It was at an abanndoned rubber plantation. Way cool. But doing so, i really miss her. Its seems so long yet its only been 8-9 months ago. Suddenly, i've already been serving the nation for 3 months. Time flies so fast. So fast.

This weeks SIT test is going to be super crucial. Its going to determine whether i have the potential to be an officer. I really do wanna go to OCS rather badly but at the same time, i might just be posted to sispec... well, only time will tell.

i cant take more.. have to go out now.

it happened somewhere around the last day of field camp. Strangely, i had a dream. For all the other days, i had never dreamt of anything. It was something seriously unexpected. seriously. I never did think or do think now that there is even the slightest bit of chance us to get back together. The 2 years we spent just seem to pop up every now and den for no reason. To piss me off>/? I dunno. i am too tired to think. i shall blog again tmr... hopefully
i would give anything just to hold you in my arms once again. Jess, i still miss you.

As i look back at the many posts which i have poured much of what i dare not to say out loud, the pain flows again. The pain not of which is love lost but is the emptiness. The omnipresent void opens again. To many whom read my the shit i post here may be surprised to see a totally different side of me.

Normally, when i am out doing stuff, its not there. I can be a happy go lucky person without a care in the world. Yet when it comes down to reflecting when i am alone for a long time, it comes back. Many may ask, yeah yeah, just go out lar. To me, i kinda have to face this but i admit i do not know how and i am doing rather badly.

It reminds me of the times i treasured when i was in secondary school. The friends i hold dear. The bonds of friendship which i dare not say i believe in anymore. Over time, many of them have been worn thin. Some severed and gone. But mostly lost. How this is possible? Why is it possible? Carefully thinking, the bonds have faded but only one thing has stood by me over all this time and i am not proud of it at all. I am disappointed with myself and disgusted at the lack of will power but at the same time, its what i have relied on for ever so long. Its been there through the good times, the bad, the times when i experienced joy. Pure joy. The times when the showers of tears just refused to end. Everytime i rely on that, i manage to kill myself a little more each time. Reducing the gift of life blessed by god to us. I can imagine many sniggering lyk hey, are you sure you are ashamed by it? My answer to you deep down is yes. Why is it? Because i have nothing else i can say to back up the my heart is weak. The phrase goes "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link."

I have long realised that the jess i loved is no longer here. But more of all, why is it the emptyness seems to spawn? I dare to say now that i no longer love her. That i truely truely don't. Many still up to now ask why its not possible to just try again. I dare not walk down that road. Maybe its just like army. Once you clear it, you'll never wanna go through it again. The main factors are probably the serenity, the support, love?, the times spent, etc etc.. I do believe that i do have a relatively good preception on love now. From the scripture, 1 corinthians 1-13,

¹ Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
⁶does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
¹⁰But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
¹¹When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
¹²For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
¹³And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

using new kings james version but i think that normal kings james version is probably much better. Anyway, back to where i was. My perception was probably just as the secondary colours are to the primary colours.

After typing and typing, my train of thought is once again severed by the disturbances around. I know for a fact that in time, i will find the one whom i will spend the rest of my life with and say the words, To have and to hold, from this day forward, For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, Till death do us part. but as of now, i need to take a smoke.

Came back at about 6am and i seriously still cant have a good nights rest. Why is that so? Stupid bastards just have to start drilling the things downstairs and its caused me to wake from the much needed sleep... Need it bad....

AR.. thank god i dun have a hang over... sigh... tired though. sigh..

Field camp is about to start also.. I wun be able to book out next week... Its such a shame... I'd really wanna come home and lie on my bed... yawn... time for anime...

I sit on the computer chair again, Forgetting when the last time i blogged. So much has happened in my camp. I'm sorry for talking about army but thats my life rite? thats all i have now and it'll be all i have for the mext 2 years or so. Its like a serious time consuming job.

I hate to admit it but i do kinda like army. Its something that one has to learn to love.

Well, i had an argument with my parents yesterday about my future. What i'm going to study after army and where... etc etc.... sometimes it gets so irritating that i cant take it. I feel like bursting out and just flaring but i have to myself to respect them for more than i can take simply coz i love them too much and i know that they want the best for me.

Have not mentioned much but the reason why i dun wanna stay in Singapore to carry out my tertiary education is because i have too much here that i remember. Could it be that i will regret if i do not stay? Its a debate to leave behind all that i have. All that i know for the 20 years of my life. I dun wanna remember jess too. I never want our roads to cross again. If i see her now, it be different. It be painful to the point of tears because the person whom i love (or have loved) with all i had is no longer the one i remember. Australia is a place i've been to many a times as a kid. Thanks lots to my parents. Its the culture there maybe? i cant imagine just not being able to drive to some beach or something and relax. Singapore is just so tense. Everything is moving at such a fucking fast pace.

I wish i had someone to rely on. Someone to be there for me. I'm afraid to find such a person though. The contradiction of yet another level. I have nothing to give. But on the other hand, if she can really sweep me off my feet den i cant say anything. I admit. I admit. I am afraid of loving again. There is too much at stake. Its like betting with a currency so expensive that no one has much of. Feelings.

Enough said for now.. time to ANIME!!!!!!!!

awaiting:
inuyasha 161
Gungrave
naruto 95

From today onwards, i'll mostly only be able to blog on saturdays and sundays. Basic Militry Training has begun and its no walk in park so to speak. Once again i find the mental stress piling on.

Its been altogether more den a year since my only dream i held disappeared. Till now, the scars remain. Embedded deep within. I cannot express what this feeling brings. I sit here in front of the computer wondering what in the world i am doing in life which will improve and help my future. On my cupboard in camp, there is a quote. From where i cannot tell. Most probably from a dreamer. It says :
"cherish your todays,
dream your tomorrows,
but live today."
Strangely, on the cupboards of others, each bears different significance on the owners life.

Have been through lotsa strange things in camp, friendships etc, that have made me wonder again. Live today right? So far, i have been focusing on the live today portion which i thought to be the root of it all. But i guess live today means nothing by itself without the rest of the phrase. My frisbee team has moved on without me. I cant be there even if i want to. The friendships are wearing down over time. Sad but true. Nothing lasts in this world. Not even diamonds. But relationships?

Was out with tim, matt, dillon, and gene (my self declared bud), my platoon mates for supper which was actually dinner and a flick, i-robot. Btw, its a seriously good show so i think that everyone should watch it. It seems to me that in their lives there is also this void. Just how people fill it remains different to each individuals personal needs and wants. For me, i have failed in finding what fills it. Maybe because at this point it still can only be jess.  just maybe.

Till now, losta my good friends whom i trust already know bout it and have adviced me. I myself noe so much of everything in theory. Unfortunately, till now, the applications fail to relieve the pain. Most of this time which has passed has only seemed to prolong it. 

Army brings about a change in most people correct? how true. How will it change me. From what i have seen in camp, there are those whom have gone through relationship problems and they are fighting hard to mend the holes which absense causes. Much of their pain i understand but men being men, i guess, the easiest way is to leave them be and let them handle it by themselves. It be really nice to have someone there supporting you and missing you and all but somethings, i guess i might not enjoy for a while.

i have to sleep now else my body clock is seriously going to fuck up.... will cont when i wake.

i'm not sure how things are going to be when i return to army. In truth, i have kinda lost a lill of the discipline already. Fitnesswise most probably so as well.  From what i hear, BMT is much more 'siong' den the ptp phase. Well, something i just have to go through den.
 
Anand, Paul and i were out yesterday due to extreme boredom. And i mean extreme boredom. We all had nothing to do. So just went out to chill. I seriously wonder how those whom are not doing anything after graduating, pass their time. Are they not fucking bored. I would think that they are... Will be seeing paul later at the bus interchange...
 
Its pouring now as i am typing this. Well. i hope that its raining in tekong too. Den i wun have to march back. But on the other hand, my uniform might get a lill wet so maybe its not such a good idea after all.
 
Good thing is that its wed today and i should be able to book out on saturday. I'll be looking forward to it. I mean seriously. Who wouldn...
 
-have run short of time-

Today marks the day that i am finished with the COPA America tournament. What does that mean? Lemme explain to you. I am officially broke. Yes broke. There are no last chances or even the lill bit to try to regain a small percentage of that grand total. It is not the most i have ever lost in a tournament/league. The final game loss for EURO2004 din help.
 
I remember a couple a years back when i played the largest amount on a single match and lost terribly. That was hell. If i am not wrong, i never did spend on anything after that. Now, i am faced once again with a predicament. I ask myself why do i do this. Why do i keep going for it. Is it the $$? Whether you believe it or not, no. Do NOT misunderstand that i have an abundence in stash or that i do not understand the meaning of money. Stupidly, the under-lying truth remains concrete. I needed something to look forward to. Something where i can wake up and not make me think that i have nothing else to do. Its a horrible feeling to lose. I haven lost much compared to some but still, there is nothing left in the bank. Which gets me wondering... How in the monkey nuts am i supposed to survive from here on. What will my parents say when they see the "emptiness". Luckily it is still 2 digits (not including the decimal point) and has a zero which will allow me to hang on by the skin of my teeth before i return to hell.
 
Hell actually is rather an ok place actually. Some few nice individuals. Reasonable sergeants whom i respect. (i am serious). The though of battering my body till it can no longer exert itself does not feel ideal. Strangely, its going to be my hiding place for the next few months. Unfortunately, they have already paid forward fer next month which means i am kinda screwed. Still, i shall wait patiently for the few that owe me $$ and have not returned yet. Once i have run dry, i do not think that i will show much mercy in the way i collect it back. Sigh.
 
awaiting:
-inuyasha 158-
-naruto 92-
-full metal alchemist 38-
-DN angel full series-
-gunslinger girl full series-
-gungrave full series- 
 
 
--keluarbaris (thank you Saiful for correcting my atrocious malay spelling)--

sigh... another day passes without me doing much.. have done a rough outline on how i want my webbie to be but i dun think that it'll be up anytime in the near future.... anyway, that took up almost half of my day... planning it all and stuff. so much more to do... hai
 
Met howie in the eve to go watch  baybeats... seriously, there are alot of good bands out there. Wanted so much to get some cds but as you know, the $$ kinda a prob u see... grrr... wish i nv did have a cash flow problem... For those whom dunno, bay beats is held at esplanade. just many bands performing. Solid shit. You might wanna try going..
 
Its 3 more days to back to tekong resort. yes i mean "resort" you bloody idiot. Just heard from peter that someone died in camp. Orion company. School 2. Lucky i am in school 1. Sigh poor fella. God rest his soul.
 
My platoon mates have caused trob in camp. The smokers from what i heard went to fag illegally and later a sergeant went to talk to them and thats how they were caught. PS was pissed shit angry after that coz its not the first time they have been caught.. i dun understand how they were that unlucky to be caught in the first place. So...... PS put 5 of them on Sat guard duty and were banned from smoking till after the guard duty. Den someone went to call  the sergeants personal hp and beg him not to be like that. Now, PS is fucking furious and i blame him not. Everyone was called down for a lecture. While in that trance process, they met PC. Btw, my PC and PS are not on gd terms let alone any terms. PS later found out and called OC and now they have their guard duty again. Thats how the story goes...(cant believe i even typed it out)
 
So when i go back, things will not be the same having PS not having ne trust in us at all and PC probably in deep deep shit. I dunno lar... have to go back and wait to see how things go... what a troublesome thing.
 
Am awaiting:
-inuyasha 158-
-naruto 91-
-full metal alchemist 38-
-DN angel full series-
-gunslinger girl full series-
-gungrave full series-
 
--kaluabaris(dismissed.. turn to your right, march left right left stamp foot. HAWKCOY)--

Well, today i have lost seriously alot. lost 4 matches in a day. I have nothing to say. Its going to take me a few months before i can save back that some of money again. i dunno how to explain y i gamble.

Hmmm.... lemme try. As lame as it sounds, it gives me something to look forward to. Each day i wake, i dread it. Sometimes i think that its probably better to just stay in camp and have everything planned out for you and have it all routine. Tmr, i have nothing to look forward to except a movie or something. I wish i did have something to look forward to. Y is my perception like that, i would like to know as well. WHere has the happy go lucky Andre gone? Or was it there was really no such person. A persona is not ruled out.

I have no fucking idea what i am here for. My life is valueless. There is no purpose. No meaning. There was once but i guess that in God's eyes that was questionable to his plan for me. I look back at those times and i feel like crying really. If only time could be turned back. Maybe just you are not ment to derive meaning from someone or something else. One must find his own meaning. I am so tired of searching. In fact at this current moment, i just dun wanna care ne more. But time does not permit me to just trance through it. Every moment drags itself on and searing pain tears me down yet again. I just wanna rest. Even if just for a while. To be able to lie down and relax and not worry about the future. Some of you all may say "cast all your cares on him". i agree. All the FUCKING THEORY is in my head. Its fucking in there but not connected to e heart. Thats what my pastor said. i dunno how to do it. I have asked for help countless times but i dunno what to do.

I dun feel like trying ne more. 5 more days to back in camp. just 5 more but at the same time only 5 more. SIgh. To want to go backor not, the decision does not lie with me.

At least my self declared buddy from my section is coming out tmr. Maybe i can go meet him and all. Sigh.

Not so long ago, i relied on my frisbee team to hold me from falling so deep into this but nothing is reliable is it? Lord i wanna hold oyu so bad but i dunno y i cant bring myself to. A part of me still hates you for taking Jessica. She was the only thing i treasured and the only thing i believed in in this world. Yet the other part does not hate you at all.

Over this period of time, i have learnt much. Sad to say much of the side people normally dun wanna experience. Does this make me stronger? The abstact thoughts are running freely once again.

A song echoes:

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Lord, you know all i wanna say. I cant express it all here. I guess that only you understand. Amen.

seriously... not a gd day... lost both matches... shit. nothing more to type... those that owe me $$ had better return soon... am losing my patience. sigh. only thing to look forward to today is probably meeting cheryl to catch up.. hmm... well..

i have just lost fucking alot of $$.. damn man.... i seriously wonder what i am going to do.. hai... some have asked why the fuck i am betting. in truth, i really dunno. kicked that habit for quite a long while le. sigh. its raining again now. its a seriously fucking bad start to my day. i cant write ne more. there is another match coming up

Can one not look back and remember? All those memories still seem so fresh. I stare out of my living room window at this point of time and i wonder where it has all gone. Where has it all gone? The countless smiles and laughs shared with so many. I look around and when i see through some facades, it hurts. Why must i see things which pain me. Why are we here on this trial. THis training? What is it we must all go through? Certainly there is no formula. Each one of us goes through different struggles and trials. Each one with their own limit. If only i could see past the pain, into the future. Lord, what do you have planned.

Watched Spiderman2 with Vin and Willie yesterday. Having friends like them helps me to believe that friendship is not sometimes all shallow. There are those whom will always remain in your life. The show was lame but to get back to what i have to say, there was a quote they used many times. "With great power comes great responsibility." In the end spiderman gets the girl rite... Its not a walk in the park here in reality though. FUCKED UP PHRASE.. haha

just read ade's blog and i realised that she thinks everything i am writing here is all directed at her. well babe, it is not k. i just need some time to myself.. Maybe its a mid life crisis thingy and all.. well.. cant ever be too sure can we?

Walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
the a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong
If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope God I figure out
What's wrong
I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way
Then a phone call made me realise i'm wrong
If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope God I figure out
What's wrong

redone

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something u said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

So much for my happy ending

Jessica Li Zhenyi

yes.. where was i? the feeling of booking out is way cool. but there are things that hold me back... like my buddies in camp and all. I have so many people to catch up with and so much to do. I still have to maintain the fitness level and stuff.

My ultimate frisbee team. Sigh. I dun even know if i can play ne more. Lets see how this turns out.

So much seems to have changed since i enlisted. My patience level has increased tremendously. My perception as well. But still that emptiness remains. I dunno how to fill that void. ANd i am stuck yet again. So much to learn. I am so tired.

Lord O Lord, grant me that strength to carry on. The endurance. Thank you for making army seem a relative breeze. Thank you for my platoon sergeant. My platoon commander. My section commander. There is so much that you have blessed me with. Lord guide me through all you want me to learn. Teach me and follow me every step of the way. My whole life, you have been there for me and yet i am weak. I am weary. But i know that in you all things are possible. Your will i want to follow. Always and forever more. Where my life leads me from here. Where i am to study. Even that special person whom you have chosen for me when the time is right. I leave this to you. Knowing you are the one and almighty God. Amen.

i am out of army for 12 days...... i have officially disrupted from my ptp..... power lar... am one of 7 from my platoon, 1 out of 30 from my company... lucky lucky me... i'll express the joy later..

ANGLO-CHINESE-SCHOOL (BARKER ROAD) was the place that made me me. Believe it or not. Much of which was also from my parents but its not time to reveal all. Yesterday, i went back to barker for a gathering. A gathering of the 7 years. 7 years meaning the first 7 batches which have graduated from there. I miss that place dearly and so many things have changed. The new campus is just awesome. Seriously awesome. If you dun think so just visit the actual school or www.acsbr.net. The dinner was worth every cent. I got hold of a few friends whom just disappeared after secondary school.

I look upon the school as more than a few chapters in my life. Many wonder how the ACS spirit never dies. I cant explain this to you. All i can say is that i am the first generation ACS boy and there is not a tinge of doubt in my head that my son will be a second generation ACS boy.

My principal still remembers many of us. He was surprised that i had short hair. haha. Such memories flood back. Most of my batch have been in the army for more than a year. Mostly officers and sergeants. I have a long way to go since i have taken the poly route. A route of many obsticles in life.

Much values have been cultivated in me though some seem so lost. sigh. I am amazed with such long term goals. Such foresight. All walked with God.

I have so much to do that i can no longer continue. So i'll just end with a few quotes.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
give me a light that i may tread safely into the unknown.
And he replied, Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hands of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than any unknown way!
So i went forth and finding the hand of God,
trod gladly into the night.
And He led towards the hills and the breaking of the the day in the lone east."

"So heart be still
what need our little life
our human like to know if God hath comprehension?
in all the dizzy strife
of things both high and low
God hideth His intention
God knows His will is best
The stretch of years
which wind ahead, so dim
to our imperfect vision
are clear to God.
our fears are premature
in Him all time hath full provision"

"then rest until
God moves to lift the veil
from our impatient eyes
when as the sweeter features
of life's stern face we ahil
fair beyond all surmise
God's thought around His creatures
our mind shall fill"

i hope that everyone still reads my stuff...

-out-

just a few more hours till i book back in. still have to make my way down to beach road to get some other stuff... sigh... the lethargic aura has begun to gather over me. The overwhelming feeling of boredness (if there is even such a word) and dismay. But a week will go by and time wll pass. Friendship will strengthen. Bonds will form. Teamwork will cultivate. I only pray that Lord you will stand with me through it all. Your blood will cover me and keep me safe.
I stare out of the window and i realise that this pain is still embedded deep within. I am afraid. I wanna move on. Take it away. Please just go away. Set me free from this misery. Embrace me no more. Please. Please.

book out book out book out day!
finally.... but its so bloody short. i have so much in my head i wanna write but i am so tired... sigh.... well.. please just remember to pray for me while i'm in camp. thanks to all who read my blog... will try my upmost best to blog more often...

I'll be going to serve the nation in a lill while. To be extact, in 22 hours. I guess that time where every Singaporean man has to *cough cough* you get this idea... has come for me. I go in with a rather open mindset really. Its going to teach me many things which i have failed to learn over the years.

What are these you may ask. I'll name just one example. Since a kid, i have always had a problem with authority. Especially with those who think they are high and mighty. I dun give face at all. Much of what i would like to learn will be useful to the outside world, thats when i get out of there that is.

This blog is going to be different from other blogs. Over the past few weeks, i have wanted to meet up with lotsa pple but i haven been able to do so... mostly due the the procrastination. Forgive me. I'll only be putting all that i wanna say to those pple whom i drew strength from the past few months in the hardest period of time in my life, almost 9 already.

Well, to one and all, sorry if ya msg is so short. i dun have much time to do this. Sorry.

It begins:

Cheryl	Thank you for being there in those times of dire doubt. Without you i would never be here today. No amount of gratitude i type here will ever be equivalent of the way i wanna express it out. Dun give up on me just yet k. Well, Cheryl's BF, if you are reading this, you had better take gd care of her. Too bad she has not allowed me to know who you are but seriously, dun hurt her else.. just else.. Gd luck you 2.
Koba	Hey bro. Its been awhile since we have met. I wish you had been here as well. I miss your company damn bad. (to all the fuckers reading my stuff to others, i am NOT gay.) There has always been a thing where i wanted to say that i just cant get out right but i'll place it bluntly here. Seriously man, dun let girls fuck you up. Sometimes you have to look more. I mean those times where some liked you just for the money, thats fucked up. You deserve much better. I dunno whats up with you now but i hope that you find the one. Take care and always remain in contact. Always.
Stephen	well, we have hardly had time to just sit down at a cafe or a bar to just chat like we used to. From my estimation, its not going to happen before the 11th june. Well bro, remember our talks on the LONDON BRIDGE (smoker's bridge in NYP) about how we'll always remain in close contact. I dunno bout u. But i take this kinda thing very seriously. 2 of our buds have already drifted away. 1 maybe never to be contacted again. Never let that happen to us ya. Friendships is the one thing i have lift to believe in and hold on to. Its quite remarkable how we even started talking in the first place. Lastly, about Min, you ahve my Bestest of bestest regards. You both better not fuck up. You are the last few i have placed hope in. -07-.*hits chest twice*
Mr Ang Beng Ho	I wanted to thank you for being my personal mentor for the past 3 years. I'm sure i have caused some hic-ups here and there and caused minor inconveniences every once in a while. Sorry about that. Well, i have graduated. -out-
Mr Edmund Teo	You have been one of the best lecturers and teachers whom have met and respected. Thank you for your guidance when i was taking your module and even after that. I dun respect many. Be honoured. I hope that our paths will cross again somewhere... maybe even in the mobile industry. Thanks again for being a blessing to me. I have observed and learnt much. ps- if you need more movies and stuff, you can try Click here. Bit Torrent is needed for downloading.
Aaron	f***er 4... you bastard... you still owe me $130... Kidding.. well you do still owe me the $ but the main thing is i haven heard from you since you decided to stop poly. I hope all is going well with you. According to my calculations, you should already be in Army if i am not wrong. Take gd care man. Please try to contact the rest of the group k?
Anand	My black brother. One whom i have had the outmost respect for.Even though you seem to always get flamed. Have i ever told you that? Its not often in life where you come across true friends. I go on my knees and pray that your mentality will never be swayed by the world. Strangely, we are very alike in many ways. But somewhere along the line, i chose a wrong turn. Dun end up like me. Stay in close contact. Your another i dun ever wanna lose. Hope your stress fractures heal up gd.
Andrea	Hey sweetie. Hows it in Aussie? Too bad you not in Singapore.. Stupid thing.. Run away from this lousy country so fast. Haha.. Lemme know when you are coming back ya? Better not say too much here. After that we get on the wrong frequency again. :)
Belinda	Oei gerl! stupid thing.. you die to where le.. SOrry i haven been free much.. SEriously i doubt that you are even going to be reading this due to your *cough basic of basics of basics about computers.. but there is a possiblity that you just might. Hmmm... O yes.. I've always wanted to ask, What do you want from life? What is it you want to acquire? Tell me that i may understand.
Ben Lim	Hows it going? We seem to be meeting up lesser and lesser. New Gf? hope so. Dude. Continue to Inspire me. Let not that endless passion for music and arts and stuff fade away. Lose not sight of your goal. I dunno but i think that your fear is getting in the way. O yes. If we ever lose contact and i see you again somewhere in life next time i will. i repeat i will kill you. Fuck you too. haha
Bobby	Never really liked you when i first met you but you are a jewel of a friend. Seriously. Never forget i said that. Strangely we dun seem to meet p or even talk online much no more. Y? dunno. Well, i will be meeting up with you a lill bit before i go in so maybe we can catch up there. Lose not the contact man. Never. You were there for me when i was at rock bottom. I will always be there for you whenever wherever. *salute
Catherine from NYP	STupid Cat.... lalala.. well, you helped with my boredom.. haha.. make sure you keep that supposed $1600 job.. coz you might not get another one.. wwwwoooaaahhh.. haha..
Suang	Oei bitch! when we ever going to meet up for a drink? we have much to catch up. I'll be going in on the 11th june into tekong school 1. see you around.
Derek Wong and Evil Rumei	I believe that people are placed in my life for a reason. You are one where paths have crossed twice. Have never know you well but to put it bluntly i have expectations of u. To put in bluntly, you two are majority of my foundation in my belief that it can happen. What is that you ask. Lemme share some of my pain. I am having conflicts war-ing with my head and heart. In this immorral world, there are still those whom are strong enough to maintain their stand. You two are the finally grasp that... pardon me, i am having problems phrasing... that erm.. forget it... its complicated. Make it happen...When i meet up with you next time when ya like old old old you 2 had better still be together. *gd luck
Eliz Tan	Stupid mei mei.. you have disappeared and re-appeared... you had better not disappear again. I get the feeling that you will be going overseas soon. YOU HAD BETTER LET ME KNOW.. you hear me?.. hhaha... Hopefully i will have time to meet up with you.
Eliz Tang	The regret i have for losing you when i was with jess i can never make up for. its a bottomless pit. Though we have nothing to say to each other nemore, I will still always care for you. I hope all your stuff goes well. Take care k.. am worried for you.
Grace	I have no idea how you are doing really. Hope its gd k.. Remember when eliz was there for you lots? if ever she needs you please be there for her 2 k. i care for you 2 lots!
Hildra	What can i say.. hmmm... dunno lar. should have met you so yeah.
Howie	My malaysian guava man. i ahve always respected your decisiveness and determination. You are the same as bobby. Never liked you at first..its the face i tell u.. but a jewel you are.
Hui hui	You sick shit. I still remember all the things you used to gross me out with. Upon closer analysis, the laughs you made me have were just so haha... yeah... i never did thank you for cheering me up a lill the time when i was damn down and i followed you to the library. Thanks for getting me head of the problem at that time. The only other thing that helps was probably ciggies. :P
Jane	How in the first place did i know you? I dun even recall why i actually shared my problems with you last time.. haha.. was i that desperate? grin.. well.. thanks for being a ear.. when you become a forensic scientist you have to let me know k...
Kaho	hongkie tong. its been a while since we met up. I respect your decision on leaving disc-knights for her. I never thought that i would see that side of you. For sure i know that you are a reliable friend. When you go back to hong kong we are sure going to miss you. We have never really been able to talk about things on a very personal level but seriously you are one hell of a joker. Thanks man. I dun think that i'll be able to see you off since i am going in on friday morning. You are leaving on the 13th rite. Have a safe trip. Journey mercy.
Kenneth Lau	How long has it been? Used to teach you how to chase gerls.. haha.. not to much avail though.. through your experiences, i have learnt much but am still figuring out a way to continue to carry on. Guess that our burdens are all different. see you in camp man.
Lorraine	Amazing how my path crossed with yours. Well, you made me realised that certain things of the past which i haden recognised before. May the road you now tread lead you to greener pastures
Mag!	Sorry fer falling asleep on you so much.. haha.. It seems to have become a habit in my late night phone calls.. which is not gd. Thanks for helping me get on my pwn two feet. Its been what? a couple of months since we late had a good chat? dun ferget me k.. once i come out i'll find you.
Vic	I do not have the right to say such things now but i'll say it anyway. Do you not feel the void in your life? Whatever happened? Maybe its time you started attending church again. Along with the rest. Well, mock me but it could be just a maybe. Basically all i have to say is this. Dunno whats up with you but hope its all gd.
Vincent	You are no doubt the most loyal friend i have ever had and i believe you will remain that. Thanks for sticking through my shit.
WeiPeng	Hey bro. Your encouragement has given me strength to want to try again. I dunno where this road leads and its so hard to follow with no direction. Maybe when i can really let everything go, it'll just fall into place. Contibue to pray for me man. I'm still rather fucked up.
Disc-Knights	Everyone who has been part and parcel of this, I thank you with more thanks than you know. Ultimate frisbee was an anchor of my life for that time. It held me on my feet. It allowed me to remain relatively stable and gave me something to look forward to when all i could see was darkness and all i felt, pain. Also, most of you guys have become treasured friends. I have learnt about things which have had influence on much of my perspective on many issues. Stephen, Anand, Wei Liang, Nigel, Wen Yao, Gen, Derek, Kenneth, Ben, Ziting, Qian Hui, Rachel, Clement, Alex, Hongwei, Etc(sorry i cant rem if i missed out ne now). i Love you guys. *stop that cynical grin.. whores... haha*
Everybody else	I hope that you guys are not going to be petty. I aint ranking my friends. I love you all the same. :). k? .......not happy msg me.....
Adelene	no i have not forgotten u... you are the most special.

Some may question what is all this i am typing. Its not that i am going to die or go away and never come back. I cant argue that. But there is something which has been worrying me. I'm afraid that i'll go in and forget myself. I dun wanna come out not Andre. You get what i mean? Well hope so. If i come out for the better den its all gd but if i come out one hella screwed bastard, please please remind me who i was. Its a major worry to me though most i dun think that will comprehend.

Mainly, you guys all played a lill role in my life in the past few months which has not allowed me to just give up. I am very grateful.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am sure army is going to be fine! Be sure to know that i'll keep everyone in mind. Those whom i have not listed here i am sorry i just did this as fast as possibe and there was not enough time.

-out-

The CAR RENTAL experience
What can i say? In just 3 days, i have gained so much from this car.. i have been fined for parking illegally, not paying erp, etc, etc,... now i will remember to NOT BREAK all these rules. Renting a car is expensive. Its really a whore of a time. Especially when you are a P plate (for those that dun understand, this is the term they use for drivers on their first year probation). The road users really cant be bothered with you.. The lousy car was falling apart. I shan't bother to rant on it anymore as i am too tired to swear in huge amounts. But, i have not regretted to ne extent. Its been one hell of a time.

Graduation dinner. I actually didnot want to go in the first place but the rest of the frisbee team people actually talked me into it. Am glad that they did. Its been a long time since i've been to such an event. Never have been bothered to go.

We went to chiong after that at new asia bar. Nice place. I lill too crowded but it was all worth it. First time i have clubbed in 2 years plus. Nice people, great ambience and gd music. Pleasure cocktail(no puns intended).

It brings back so many memories. Mostly painful. But non the less, memories. I hope that we all always remain in close contact.

Should i even be hoping? I cant tell you. Disappointment i not longer wanna face.

-out-

Redang.... What can i say?.... Redang... it was good. Just to let you all know, it was my first time out with just my friends. No parents so it ment quite a bit.

The water there is so so so so so clear... damn.... you can actually see the fish and coral and what you are stepping on. Sentosa i dun like you anymore.. haha... To me, the 10 hour bus ride and an hour boat ride was all worth it. There is no doubt about that. Snorkelling, Nightfishing, Banana boat riding. It was all gd. It'll all stay fresh in my mmind for a long time to come.

Why i have not described the trip in vivid minute detail is because i do not know how to. That i admit.

My final moments there was spent walking along the beach and thinking back while all of the rest were having breakfast in the resort. There have been so many dreams. Some have materialised. Some have not.

-I wish I wish upon a star-

Its been a while again. I think i just screwed myself by asking pple to check my blog more often even though i haven updated at all.. SSOO SSOOOOORRRYYYYYY..

The past couple of weeks have been going well. Here goes the jist of it:

Final Year Project has ended and yes i have graduated ... hopefully... my report on the damn thing has been handed up and everything has been settled... more or less. Have been tired ever since then... The lack of sleep due to doing the damn project has been tormenting.. plus the fact that i have insomnia(but its getting better now). i have read somewhere that every 1 hour you sleep less than your normal sleeping time has to be repaid back 1.5 times.... i doubt that i will ever be able to catch up in life... damn...

Ultimate frisbee has still been great. Truthfully, i am getting a lill tired from it because of i will be going into the army soon and i will not be able to play and inprove along with the rest of the team.

Still wanna meet up with pple i haven met in a while o catch up so please feel free to call k.... erm its 93807980 if you cant rem.... anyone who prank calls me is going to be so fucked....

-inuyasha 142-
-naruto 83-
-hack sign 12-

-out-

Its been a few days since i've blogged. I apologize for not keeping you up to date in the blog but i promise that i will. Its just been a really really hectic week.

On Sunday, i did not manage to go for the game. Glad to hear that my team, Big and Bigger still managed to hang on to the crutial win. After the 100 minutes, we won the match 14-13. That was really lucky. Am really looking forward to getting back to the game. Comparing myself to the rest of the group, i have not been really making much improvement. Maybe its due to the lack of practice with is required in this sport. To learn more about the sport or my league team, please click here. To view my actual team, please click here.

Monday was really a major rush as well. My final year project presentation was due the next day. I have to finish up whatever i was needed to do. Truthfully, there is no way but i have to cock up something to pull it off and just cross this damn hurdle. Am too tired to really bother about this anymore. I now that this is a major bad attitude but.... I'll leave it at but...

Tuesday, presentation day. Killer day. Have to say that all in all, it went real gd. Luck was a hugh factor as well. Here is how it went. I was relatively unprepared and din noe what to do but i decided to let what i usually do best work its way out and leave the rest to chance. I am in the cng group, communication and networking group. So as you can tell, its a networking group. I'm working on a web application so i was relying on the fact that i'd get lecturers from whom are not well versed in my area or work to review me. It was true. PHEW. The time slots were all postponed due to the numerous number of redundant stupid questions the reviewers ask. Most were too terrified to find the right answer. I manage to go about it smoothly and let them here what they wanted to here. Overall, things went well and i am glad its all over even though i had to wait so much longer for my turn. Unfortunately, i just found out today that i have another presentation but i think that this one will not be a major factor so i am not all that worried.

PLEASE DO NOT HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR THE MOVIE VAN HELSING. Its no gd. I disliked it and maybe coz i wasn feeling all that well i was making lotsa noise in the cinema. haha. Sorry guys. O well, its time to INUYASHA. Its the first time that i have not talked to Ade at night. Sigh. O well. She should rest more anyway. Exams are here and its time she studies. I hope she'll pass.

-inuyasha esp 114 here i come-

Monday.. blues? maybe soon.. as of now, i can still have just enough to hold up. The next couple of days are going to be a problem though... I am going to have lots to do... Sigh... one more week... Just one more fucking week.... and i'll have graduated. Please dun mind the profanities. It like that due to the emphasis of JOY.

Over the weekend, nothing much happened. On Sat i met a friend though. Its weird how sometimes things happen in your life and then it happens to others.... Its one huge cycle. Anyway, she's going through the same problems, which i guess only time can heal, that i went experienced last year... Something lyk that. It was HELL. Even up to now, its not totally over so i hope her process will be much faster and less tormentingly painful...

My dateline for the FYP is this week. Actually, my final presentation is tmr and i'm !@#$ed. Really, i am not kidding. Hope that everything will be ok and Wenyao will be able to come to my place and teach me how to port asp to asp.net and i'll be able to get it done and i'll also be able to final my presentation slides and preparation and all. This time i am presenting to the IT lecturers so i can no longer talk rubbish through it. Alot of this is due to my supervisor, who i repeat for the !@#ing umpteenth time is supposed to be HELPING me. But he is not as you can see. Please visit WE_HATE_WAYNE.COM here. Please note that this does not exist as its just an outlet for the anger..

-fer now-

I'm in trouble. The project dateline is coming and i am still unprepared. i dunno how in the world i am supposed to pass. Things have been a real pain and i am wondering whether i can make it through or not. Its been buggin me for a while and will be at least for the next upcoming week. My presentation is on tuesday. one at 1030 and another program presentation at 1430. I'm seriously worried. Please Please cover me with your prayer. As you know this is my final term. If i have to repeat this, i have nothing to say. Please k. Remember me in prayer.

Driving so far has been ok. I committed my first offence of not stopping at the stop line... My parents are making a big fuss about it. O yes. I am relatively sure that my parents will not allow me to take the car anytime in the near future. Sigh. Without practice no one learns. If i cant drive much it'll hinder my learning. I have to find a way round this. Am thinking of renting a car fer a lill bit. Thing is, I dunno if i can. Coz i am a P plate and am still under 21. Sigh. Hope i'll be able to go out and just drive and all with the rest of my friends. sigh.. o well. Out.

-out-

Dreams come. Dreams go.

Today has been a seriously nice day. But its the ending i fear. For you to get a greater understanding of fear, here it is. Its a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger or a feeling of disquiet or apprehension or a reason for dread or apprehension. I hope things will just remain the way things are. I really hope.

Someone msged me just now. She was someone that was hurt as well. Actually, i dun even know her. Hope that she'll no rebound. Truthfully, it helps you get over things but it may be on a road to suicide. I dunno. Gd luck gerl. Gd luck.

-waiting-

You guys have to go and watch 50 first dates. Hilarious shit man. Worth every penny. No joke. Ok... lemme think of what to blog. Today has been a relatively good day. I am finally a licensed driver. Finally. It means the world to me. I really thank God for everything. I've been waiting for a damn long time. In those times, so much has changed, now that i think about it. Want to drive so bad but i think that my dad is not free tom. He's got a checkup. O well. I really hope to gain my parents trust on this soon as i really wanna enjoy myself before things i am forced into 32 months of hell.

-cant think-
-over and out-

I have gotten my license.... am damn happy. Rather.. now the only problem seems to be i have no car to drive. Its going to take a while before my dad is going to allow me to drive. O well. I wont complain. I have nothing more to say at the moment. I'll just be content.

- :) -

hmmm.. i wonder whether the pple reading my site blame me for saying the things i say or what ever. Again i emphasise that raw thoughts will be raw. As blunt as they are, i'll place them here with no regrets but at the same time, no intention of harming or stabbing neone.

Ade, i'm terribly sorry. I din mean it that way. It came out wrong again. Had no intention of making you feel bad.

Am still injured from sunday. My heel is killing me. Its got a searing pain everytime i place pressure on it already. I must go get my ankle guard. Yeah. Am too stressed out to continue typing so please forgive me. The next few days might be a little short too.

There are too many running processes. Am not eating properly. Its like 1 meal per day now. Insomnia. Cant sleep. Max bout 5 hours.

-out-

Fuck man. i just heard from wenyao he cant help me... am so so fucked... seriously i dunno what to do. I am feeling horrible. I cant take it. i wanna crash. Am fucking stressed out. Ade's not helping either.... grrr... I need a fag. $%*.

-$%-

Cant remember whether i have missed a day of blogging or not. Thats how fast the last couple of days have been. I wake up tattered, battered and torn. Its due to yesterdays game. I've gotta make my way to school soon and i've got nothing to present for my weekly thingy. Sigh. O well. O yes. i have finally msged wenyao regarding helping me out on my project and he said ok. Thanks lots. Without you my redang would be gone.

Think that i talked to catherine a couple of days back.. actually, 2 days back. It was great catching up. Its been such a long while and reminiscing was fun. haha. Ade was in the conversation too. Funny. oh !"£$ its raining now. how am i supposed to get to school. damn it. Have to ask dad again i guess.

I kinda injured both my ankles in the game yesterday. But the left one seems ok now. I'm actually quite pissed with myself. I haven performed well in the game. The rest are on just a higher level. There is no comparison. I must buck up. Must buck up. Like most practices and pick ups, i dun take seriously and just throw run blar blar just totally having fun. Fun is not the problem but i have to bring myself to another level. I must. The game will always remain fun to me. I cant say it was not a good game but i could have excelled more in certain areas. From now on it will be done.

On going back, ade and me decided to take a walk. Its been a long while since we've spent time together alone so it was nice. Just we were just so hot, tired, sticky, etc from the pickup. O well. Nontheless, i still enjoyed it.

Things are taking its toll on me. I am getting a much more serious perspective on many things in life. I guess its good too.

-to school i go-
-to face a monster-
-sigh-