3 damn computers are all finally clean from everything. Seriously tired and i dun wanna formatting for like at least another year. At least. Seems that the starhub offer for laptops is no more so i guess cheryl missed out on a real deal. I mean it was like almost free. O well. Hopefully there will be another offer soon so that she can get one. I really think that she needs one and a personal one in my opinion will be a real good idea.

Left knee is being a bitch. I have no idea whats wrong with it. Maybe i a dying.

The horrendous, dun mind my spelling, weather is predicted to be less wet so i think i have to finally get my ass downstairs for a run maybe. Have been procrastinating for every so long. Really have toget down to it. I believe it will be good for me. I feel so weak now. :(

The past few days has been just like the days before it just once the new year begins, i will get more organised and work towards the goals for the day. Hopefully i get all of that done so the holidays wont be a total waste.

So lethargic. O ya. I now have a cat in my house in aussie!

So far since i have been back, i have formatted and installed all the required programs into one computer. There are still another 2 more to go. The painful part is not the formatting but usually what happens after which is the installing of all the old programs to make it work like it is supposed to. The one computer alone took me like half a day to install all the programs (also coz i slept in between) and another 2 days of testing and fixing up all the little glitches here and there.

The painful part for me is clearing / backing up all the information that is in my computer. These are all the shows and all which i watch. There is nothing illegal and is totally moral (meaning there is no porn so dun think otherwise). I have burnt like 25 dvds already to try to fit other information like my songs and photos into the hdd. Damn its tormenting.

While doing so, i have discovered that there are many shows, which i have already burnt and have all the intention in the world to keep, that pple have borrowed and not returned to me. You bloody motherF*ckers. i am very disappointed. So to all of you that have yet to return me, please do so. Cheryl, Weiliang and Sio are exempted coz they have told me that they have my discs.

So why is the rest of the world reading all this shit. Well, i thought about it and i will not be lending shows to pple anymore. If you want, you can request from me and i will burn it for you at a fee. Its amount has yet to be decided on but hopefully it will help to pay for my internet and elec bill (since i require a computer and the internet connection to do so). If you not happy, download your @#$%ing self. I will create a page over the next 2 months of what i have on hand.

The mandate is final!

Since juliet has arrived, its been showering. I've been waiting so long for her and when she finally comes, we are just pulled apart. The rain pours, the sun hides, lightning and thunder accompany her. raining sun

Jem did not manage to get into ACS barker so have applied and he was supposed to go for a rugby trial so as try to to get in. He is now in hosiptal with suspected appendisitis or however that is spelt. opportunistic loss

Birthdays are supposed to be of happiness. For Kids, its the one day of freedom when sometimes they are allowed to do anything. and jem is going to be trapped in that sterile bubble for at least a few more days. confined freedom

Taking care of them intermittently over the past couple of weeks has really brought about the love and connection to kids. And to some extent nostalgia. The energy of youth with the burdens of adults. Nostalgic Energy

I am rather drained. ITS NAP TIME! (for me)

166.5 hours ago, i got my fruits of the labour i put in for about half a year. As disappointed as i was, i learnt to deal with it. No matter how much i'd like it to change, it won't. But yes i am still happy that i did not fail nothing. But with only 3 more semesters, i can only hope and pray that i will reach the targetted goal. Thank you Lord, i am contented.

While calculating the number of hours above, have come to realise that my brain is dying. It is said that your brain cells stop multiplying after the age of 2. I have to start to exercise it again. It took me 45 secs before figurig out the result. My brain is dying. And if you think i am like dumb, think again. Yours could be dying at a faster rate.

So its been from here to there and being a nanny here and there. Tiff is still so cute and so sensitive. The toll of events has taken its raid on me. I hope i dun fall sick. Anyway, its just a few more days till the return of the king and queen of which i am the prince. I both look forward and backward to it. But yes i miss them dearly. &&&&&& my juliet is coming!!..

In the hectic moments, i have failed to sort whats in my head. Its just trying hard to relax coz i know that once school reopens, hell's void will flip the closed to open. And i am supposed to start studying for next year for the programming stuff which i have not done for like 4 fucking years. I have no idea how the shit i am going to do that but i pray that God's grace be with me.

There are 2 roads. but there is only one. Without his leading, i cannot choose so i look to the depth and into oblivion. I sense an answer but what could it be?

And so i sing to myself "go to sleep now close your eyes as you dream of tomorrow, all the stars wish you goodnight and i'm switching off the light."---and yes i have spent a little too long with my little darling cousins.

Lord, thank you for my results. I know that without you i dun think that i could have performed that well. Help my heart as it does not feel contented. I know that i could have done better but for the amount of effort put in i think that i would have failed. Thank you for your guidance, thank you for your wisdom. I pray that you will forever be with me. Thank you for each and every new day that comes by. Thank you for bringing my cousins closer to me. I pray that you will be with my aunt and kids through this period of time. Their struggles, you lift them. Their burdens,you oblilerate them. I pray that you will be with my parents at this time granting them journey mercy. Thank you lord for your faithfulness. I pray that i may yet again fall into your presence. Amen.

Results are out. I did ok. Am not overjoyed but i am happy that i have not failed. I got 2 H1, 1 H2A and a H3. I know i can do better.

Went to carbivore at vivo city today. I think that i ate too much. For that $30 spent, i think i ate a fair share. Its been a long while since my stomach has told me that i have had too much. There is a possibility that i could have eaten more but i think that i ate too fast, too furious.

Caught an EPL match and its good to be home. Though i am alone at home again and when its alone, i dun feel that its alone. It feels so foreign. Well, nette will be back on wed and my parents on the 17th so i guess its gonna be like that for a bit.

Time to hit the bed. Dun think that this was a really marvelously written entry but its just to update you all on me!

Those off you who are in Singapore... CALL ME LARRRRR!!!

Last you heard from me, i was drained. Now i am even more so. Current energy level: 25%. Its like all hell broke loose and its Midshipmen days (my navy training days) all over again. The 3-4 Hours of sleep packaged with the other 18-19 hours of constant stress and forcing the best out of yourself with only 1-2 hours to let the already overheated till its smoking mind sublimate into oblivion where you know and feel nothing (somewhat alike to ease).

Took on the load of the 4 devils today. If you are thinking of a shit load of kids and not hiring a maid in the future, think hard, think longer and think again. And if your answer is still yes, repeat the cycle. If you have taking organisational processes, you will see where i am getting at. But there is a exception. If you by some blessing from God, i mean it both in a sarcastic and non-sarcastic manner, have to these miraculous beauties, stand tall. Take a deep breath and pray for god-strength. Both mentally and physically because it will be of upmost importance. The basic need.

They have driven me up the wall, back from the ceiling. And that process have been going round and round or shall i say over and over all day. A cycle of endless pain and suffering, encompassed with mental destruction and with a dangerous amount of emotional attachment. I shall name them 12, 10, 8 and 6 so as to keep their identity secret. 12 has been a blatant liar the entire day, trying to weasel his way into and out of situations and always trying to get the last word and get everyone to listen to them. Outrageously blunt, so much so that nothing is going through a thought process in his head. I wanna scold him and really kick his ass but... maybe its the puberty kickstarting but either way the time is just wrong.... 10 has been ok. polite but rude at the same time. She is the least worry of them all. 8 has been barely ok. Very much like 10 but more kiddy but i cannot blame him coz he is a kid. Sometimes is too put down by the rest and creates a scene but he will be ok. At least 10 and 8 can share. 6... wow.. where should i start. She has magical powers to make people love her. and she totally gets her way. i have to admit that even sometimes i give in. I little bitch really. So spoilt. O well...ihave to say that even through all these, i love them unconditionally.

Exam results appear on the eighth. My fate will be shown. I dunno what to do. So come on everybody, pray for me. But to show the trust in God, and also coz i am so tired, i shall not worry. I declare i will do well in Your name. I place my trusts and hopes in you Lord.

So far the only i have to look for is my ducati juliet will arrive in 12 days. I comes along with a lifetime of endless nagging from the parents for the explicit cost. But i have been looking at juliet for about 5 years now and i think its finally time i bring her home. No matter the outcome.

Lord i pray you cover them with the protetion, your blood keep them safe and pave the way and footstep of which they are to tread. Show her your light that her heart will be less heavy and as she drives around to get stuff to allow them to just function properly, that you keep her safe. Keep her mind alert as she treads upon this path so painful. Give her the wisdom of what is to be done and the stregth to perform the task. In your glorious name. Amen.

*time*to*crash*

Its been only a couple of days that i've been back but already so much has happened. Mostly, i've just met with a few friends. Thanks again Anand and Peter for getting me at the airport. And so the amazing journey beginnings. One of which most of us will never choose to lead or go through for that matter.

It seems like the 24/7 nature of recall will forever stay with me. Hear me out. Its not the NS thing again. Its family this time. Who would have thought that when my parents were away that i have to handle this. And no, its not my sis. But yes, its still blood. And blood is thicker than water so i am glad that i can help. And am happy to. Have had to step up to the challenge to let everything flow smoothly. Though i dun like it, it has really brought me closer to my aunt. and yes i am glad that it has.

So here i am in singapore, with so much to do but so little time but i am happy that i am here to help with the burdens through this entire period.

Finally had a tan today which was really awesome. The tightened skin, the flushed feeling and yes the sun has taken away a vast amount of energy but i am still awake to settle what i can. When you think about it, Its just eventful.

Sentosa has changed so much. Its awesome once again but i have serious doubts of some of the new futures of it that they are trying to incorporate. But then again, i am not an archi man. so lets leave it to the archi-pple. Ryce, Sio, Yaokang may your powers combine.

It pisses me off that the pple here dun fucking recycle. Its really unhealthy for the environment. I think that i should serious write in to the newspapers again. Yes i have written in before. But knowing our ever self centered economy, i bet they din publish it. I wish that pple would just fucking recycle. Those whores. When the world is turned to shit, they have only themselves to blame. And i have only them to blame. Those bastards.

Results are about to come out. D-day is the 8th and i really wanna get my results. I know that i am not going to do well but i leave the rest to the lord. There is nothing left that i can do anyway. I dun think i can get a H1 (distinction) for the sub that i wanna tutor next time so the tutoring oppotunity is squandered. Unless by some miracle. I have to say that i am still clinging to the last thread of that hope. But i am prepared. The oppotunity that i wanted to get so much is just 0.000000000000000001 to the power of a freaking million that i will get that chance. Let us see how this goes.

Guys, please still call me out. I really do wanna meet up with all of you!! and so you know, i return the melbourne on feb 3rd. Or at least, thats the plan.

Over and out.

Oh singapore oh singapore... i have returned.!

its been a few days since the traumatic term ended. I have to admit that i am really very worried about the results, which by the way are released on the 8th. Never really thought that i would have a problem studying once again. My assignment grades have been above average to i am thankful. Just the requirement to pass the main paper is still some what of a hurdle of doubt at the back of my mind. It spores uncertainty. I hate the feeling. But once again i remind myself that what is done is done and there is no turning back time. Just from now till then, i am free.

Wondering whether i should work when i go back to singapore. It will help in earning some money but on the other hand i think that the free time will allow me to learn and focus on alot of the things which i always said that i would do. The issue is whether the lazy ass me will over power the one with all the potential once again.

Yes, i think that i can make it. And yes that means smart. Screw you if you dun think so.

The damn service have kinda screwed me up again. They were supposed to give me a Certificate of Service but i have yet to receive it. Will have to talk to OC at the chalet in dec when i get the chance. I have to get it. It will really affect my CV.

There is going to be so much i have to do when i return... Format computer. Buy new Hard disk, i really really want the 500gb one... mine is already so so full.. like no more space full. damn. so much to do... should i really get a job?

what yu think?

So far its 2 down. 2 more to go. In this short period of time, my goals have deteriorated from getting all distinctions to just passing. I have to admit there is a large portion of me that has suffered from national service. Now i know why Dillon and some others have decided to take some time off. I just never thought that i could not step up to the challenge. I have. But i again have yet to perform to what i wanna accomplish.

There is much turmoil, there is much pain. I am torn apart. Its really the first time that i have been so fucked in the head. Sometimes i wonder whether in my subconscious is choosing to do this to myself. I look into the sky to try to see oblivion knowing ignorance is bliss, but i see nothing. I see no meaning in many things. I cant understand. Am i unconsciously seeking melancholic pleasure. What kinda sick person am i?

As i stand in the balcony and take a long drag, i ask myself how to connect my heart and mind. That has been something that i have been seeking for for ever so long.

As ironic as it is, the only constant is change. I am at a dilemma at a major junction in my life. Whichever i choose, there is no turning back. But thats without God beside you. He is forever constant. I just pray that no matter how much i screw up that you will be standing by me lord. I know of no one else.


Throws on a jacket to cover the cold,
seemingly abandoned, wishing he could just be told
a life so aimless, perspectives defer
he takes a drag hoping it will all disappear.

Caught in between
in need to find the meaning
a path he must choose
which he can never look back
but without your presense he cant see
where is he to look?
what is he to see?
is this just a trial?
one of the many to come maybe?

so many questions
so overwhelmed
the heart chosen
the mind as well
two different choses
in which is he to dwell?

And yet again he comes to you
for answers are not answers without you
waiting for you to speak
waiting for you to choose
is he just pushing the blame?
i hope he is not
coz he read once in a book
that whether choices we make,
God will not overlook.
No matter what we decide,
he will be there,
but all in all
is he just to trust a book?

He does not know how to conclude
coz in his mind its not over
he yet again is to elude
to concentrate on what is of the upmost importance

So he hopes and hopes
that this time like all other times
you will be there
to guide to show
to love and once again bring back hope
if that is the way to go

till now, no comprehension
he must first find himself
so he does all he knows
he sings out a song.

finding myself
at a lost for words
and the funny thing is its ok
last thing i need is to be heard
but to hear what you would say

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak

finding myself in the midst of you
you're the music, you're the noise
all that i need is to be with you
and in the quiet i hear your voice

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
word of god speak

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
word of god speak
word of god speak
word of god speak

finding myself at a lost for words
and the funny thing is its ok

Exams are here and its scaring the shit out of me. Arrr.. must study. I have to reprogram my head.

Summoning the matrix:

it begins:


QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM?><":L}{P+{P:L<-rYCel,0okmj98ijUW46JStu45W^Rjystaeu4w6WIJRYsmGFmkyI%&WRJSFMHDULO*^)7p9RLIYukSFJGNZFMSKyiw64*5eOtludksFHMzSRYWI&%KDjtauWiEO^*RIYLukYSJRtU%7$Wi7eKjDNzmfh,gdLYI;rp(&-5&(rp{_";fPO:UFlSUKYAjrUQ^JATgnzMxfhKDGLYirP7*o6E&IYkFhEw54@6835*47URTKEo&(&EODLUIRW^8597EOrYceYLdkysriw65897iotukyJFski7w5EOtdul,cHYSRw6i5e7o^*RP;t&R(yilfDUKYrsU$Q2uATJZFJKSdyTUeor8^)&%-*^0Y{o:UfLHJkhFjAu$&*w5(&^)$75-*^ProE&IW^U$7#!$YhsjFskdTUyrOPT&(_&ILFJH,gkysrW^U$*2WEHuYTJDi7ksyfdulor87p0o95864uqTEJTuw64&I*%kysR75iwoe6*lduSYJRAuQ^$W84iSKYRmhzfGATMaKEHQ%Y#U$^WI57e6*756P*t;LIYF,jGDMHfNGatheQU46iw&%O86ep&RR%;7lik,jMHsyjrsUw64yjdFHTSHu6wrsjyFXgnzJHSTru6wSJfgmhKGJDLFiyTP&(ILF,hjHMfSJYRwuJsDNZDhAERQYQWshXndhgKYTeiryoltp79U:gkhfj,GMfngDHaeyWU^reiytDHFMxHGj,fhklIUTp9iOYlufj,GHfsjTRurycewiSYJfHXM,gjdlYIp['pi/LHj>?:goy[OTPilfh,jcn xvbNGHTaUWrsjFGNXzfdhaSRyikdtULFJ<.hkv?JG;oUu:PTILyfukdJStaUQ%weitORt79p68-70869758UWRshDNzHREAYQ#@%#$U%E&^TJYFJGCHRycEmkjdr8597tIyfjgdhjsW^%768IrkUDhnsw65&e6kudtmGXHSjyrkutLyj,MGXHfGhtsrliyF67ierY423546ui7^8^64576$*56u4%YaehDZNdzgMjsyrKYMHUKDDyJSW*u

Its all you now Lord. My mind is in your hands. My head is messed up, my heart heavy. And in this state of tremendous turmoil. I sing a song. A song to You Lord. To you alone. That in great trouble i will still praise you no matter what.

Lord, Rescue Me


When im alone the world is such a different place
Sometimes its hard to keep the smile upon my face
It seems like I try so hard and still I let you down
Its taken so long but now theres one thing that Ive found

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me

Just when I think that Ive got it figured out
You open my eyes and let me see that theres no doubt
But you've got it all within the power of your hand
It seems like the more I know the less I understand

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me
When all my strength has turned to fear
When I wonder if you're near
When I dont know how to break free
You're always there to rescue me

I wonder if I'll make it through this darkest night
I need to know your strength in me gonna win this fight
Im reaching out wont you take my hand show me to the light
I know you're by my side

It seems like I try so hard and still I let you down
Its taken so long but now theres one thing that Ive found

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me
When all my strength has turned to fear
When I wonder if you're near
When I dont know how to break free
You're always there to rescue me



You're always there to rescue me



No matter the outcome Lord, never le me go.

Is it time? I dunno.

The melancholic plethora warps into a mass of confusion. I have no idea what the !@#% i am doing. There is is so much to get done... Ar.. Everything begins to turn to a distraction. The fickle weather is not helping too... Its supposed to be spring damn it.. not freaking winter... heat up a lill pleasssseeeee..... I believe all these ramblings are brewed from the pissed-off-ness with electronic commerce.. Piece of shit subject. Bloody exams... I wanna just blank out. But i cant... I have the burden of my parents hopes and dreams... and mine too... now that i think about it. Damn. There are so many distractions. Mainly one and its killing me.. y cant i just ge the fucking study mood... i need it now... the time draws near.....aaaarrrrrr....... i cant do this. where has all the control fled to... in the navy i sat my ass down to force it so y cant i get it now!!! ar. @!#$

God please... let me find a peace, a calmness, the serenity of grace later. But also that i will have a clear mind. One set on just worship for there can be no other way.

Sigh. There is so much to be done. Its so tiring. Where are you?


I picture you in the sun
wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
asking for sympathy
And being caught in between
all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything
you can feel that you can believe in

May god's love be with you
Always
May god's love be with you

I know I would apologize
if I could see your eyes'
cause when you showed me myself
I became someone else
But I was caught in between
all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May god's love be with you
Always
May god's love be with you

'cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone
who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'cause I been caught in between
all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure
what it's for
Any more than me

May god's love be with you
Always
May god's love be with you


In the Sun - Joseph Arthur

Multitasking was the agenda yet again coz the mood to study is still not here. Y? damnit. Migrane hit me bad too and i had trouble sleeping coz it hurt so much. Mr panadol din really help but finally when i crashed into oblivion, the much needed rest began.

Hours later, the panic of lack of time sunk in and the studies began. Still being unable to study, i listenedto lectures and cleaned...at least i got something done..

Going to play the guitar till 0030 den call cheryl.. she should be just about to reach home at that time.

To those whom read all i post, this is for you. Read through it. I gurantee you wun be disappointed. Make sure to click on the links too. Enjoy!

The day began waking up late and trying to study and was overcome by the evil distraction monster of the modern era, youtube (for those whom have no idea what it is, its time to wake up to technology). I blame willy lee wei li for sending me a clip on As i was saying it started off like .

So distraction overwhelmed me and this and here were some of the clips which i watched. Suddenly, i remembered that i wanted to show a few friends about some clips which i saw the other day so went in search of them. They are below.

Soon you you see the flow. Trying to figure out how to entertain all my readers. Well, here is a sneak peak into the jist of my entry. Hang in there!

And then i remembered my roots of the not so long ago, which i watched here. It was good to remind myself of the memories. And then it all began to transform.

But first a bit of a music video which is not 5 star i have to say so you may skip to the next link after watching a bit of this but make sure still to watch it.

Unimelb has made me write in a way so that i can get more marks. Dun get me wrong. I had to learn it by trial and error. They din teach me shit. Ok. The real good stuff begins. I am so sure that transformers the movie is so going to be sponsered like crazy by car brand. So its the argument above and evidence is here, here, even more here, yet again here, and here!.

So it goes on. Everything in studying can related to trends. Except maybe maths. Haha. Ok its not a theory. It can be proven wrong. But so far so many of my subjects have lead to trends and analysis beginning. The transformer trend is one i believe to explode into a plethora of advertisements. Early birds such as this, this, this, this and this are such evidence to suggest the above.

Anyway, transformers! there is a clip here, and another below which i think will be many peoples favourite (which includes me). Optimus!!!



But how can you end without referencing? It would be plagerism. So (youtube.com 2006) you are a web2.0 aspect of contribution that well, is just currently way above the rest.

Now, back to work.

Rem to Tag me on the PDA looking button on the side bar its the 4th button.

its been a while since i just went out to chill and walk around and do nothing. Guess its the last break before the study time kicks in. I hope it kicks in soon. I wanna do well.

Anyway, one of my sec skool friends came down. And how small our home country of Singapore is.. Not to mention Melbourne. So he knows me classmate so the group of us went out to view appt den go walk around the shopping mall and den later at night, eat.

Guess what.. when we were shopping, decided to cut hair and just went. Get it done once and for all. I'm ok with it. But i have to say that i am still unhappy. It was not a good job so now i have to really style it. !@#$. O well, but what is done is done and there is nothing that i can do about it. So i hope no one sees me when i dun put wax. Its really shit.

On the way back from chadston, we encountered 2 weirdos. One was a loser punter and the other was 2 homeless guys fighting. Australia sure is a strange place sometimes but i think that i'm used to it. Just cant stand some racist people but i cant really blame them. I'm a little racist too but am trying not to be.

Matt treated us to a meal. $160 in all and i feel really bad. I hope that in the near future i will be able to treat him back or something coz if there is one person from school that i trust, its him. Yes it sounds gay but i reassure you that i am not.

AND I KILLED A COCKROACH ROAMING IN MY ROOM TODAY> HOPE THEY ARE NOT BACK>

I miss cheryl bad and i dun blame her when she is pissed with me. I just cant wait to get back home to her.

Anyway, its been an eventful day and i am thankful that the lord has blessed be. Church tmr! yahoo.

Alot has been happening so far for me.

Stress as usual but i believe that many people experience this all the time especially Singaporeans. I blame our culture and the government for no minimum wage laws. It just makes everyone revolve around 3 things. Which are money, money and money.

Group mates have been pissing me off real bad but i have learnt tolerance. And thank God for teaching me that. I am no longer that explosive at every little thing. We all work differently and as long as we are at the same level of seniority i will remain silent but i think when i get promoted i might become a slave driver. but that is for another time and place and another thing to learn.

Happiness has been fluctuating though. But if there is anything i have learn in life is that we should forever be contented with the little things. Whether you are a christian or not, try it and you will see the truth. BTW it appears in the bible so if you are not a christian, think about it. You might see the light.

To conclude this, life is plain. Just like water. Its what we make it. What flavour we choose to let it be. but at the end of the day, its still made of the same thing. Look at it. Taste it. Then maybe you will see that its candy coated.

Enjoy----->

What is this
Mass confusion
This crazy way we're living
This emptiness we're passing out
Like candycoatedwaterdrops
I'm spilling out my thoughts
You're spilling out your guts

And i can't help but stop and think that

If the world stopped spinning
If the end was beginning
Would you even notice if i wasn't there?
If the world stopped spinning around

"all that's worth dying for is already dead"
An empty religion you've learned to accept
When nothing means everything, your
Daily routine
You go through the motions like a
Helpless machine

You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But i can't help wondering
You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But i can't help wondering

When the answers to everything are right
In your hands
You lose your conviction, but you can't
Help standing
On the one thing that held you for so
Many years

You ask for forgiveness and hold back the
Tears

Have you ever had to question your foundations? The very basis of which you live. Your happiness? What the fuck that you are doing here. Where did i go wrong?

There are so many decisions to make in life and every one takes a different turn. Did i fuck it up bad by choosing to come here? What have i done? Was i ment to study in singapore? If not why the fuck do i feel so shitty here? There is no where to turn to hide. The only place is in the room of which everything i have dwells. I cant concentrate at all. I wanna just give up but my personality is not like that. i Keep at it. I keep on fighting.

Its just one of those choices where there is no turning back. Damage to the future will be inevitable.

I can only pray that you can hear me. You can hear my pain. My call. For you are the only one that has been with me through each and every step of the way. Even when i hated you and never could understand. In time you came back. I believe you were always there just i could not see. And that is all i have. Faith that no matter what that you are there. But y? can you tell me? how do i go on? if you could just show me. Please i ask. For i see no meaning. I wanna hear your voice but i hear nothing. Its only in prayer and in church that i feel a certain presence. I want more. Why? am i not seeking hard enough?

I cant seem to do anything now and the datelines are here. I guess i will not get to rest again. Hopefully the nap will be beneficial. Please. Show me. Please guide me. I have nothing left. I am running dry.

And now my happiness is in question. The foundation on which it is built is in doubt. Could it be an anger fit? i am not sure. If i have ever been really sure about one decision, it will be that. but its not my call alone. I have just a part to play and i am trying to play it from so fucking far away. How am i suppose to feel better even if its ok wheni get back? there is another hurdle after that. one which is twice as long and even after that again.

Help me. Please

The past few weeks has been so tiring. Body battered and worn. Mind shredded to pieces. The will to function is not there. I cannot find the motivation to get things done. I am beginning to wonder whether it is just the particular assignment which is causing me so much trouble. I just cant seem to get it done. I feel so useless. Seems that there are those around me which have started studying already. And i feel left behind.

Food has been good though. Koba's parents cook almost all the time. And they clean and wash too. It nice. They are really nice to me and i am very grateful.

Cheryl has been really strong lately. Except for the moth incident. I apologise to everyone for not blogging. Its been hectic. After this week i will have to really sit my ass down and study. I pray that the lord will grant me the strength.

Dear lord i pray for cheryl. Her stomach is not too good. I claim in your name that it will be cured. I thank you for allowing her to be praised for her work and that she is doing well. Thank you for keeping her safe and please always be with her each step of the way. As for me, thank you for bringing me this far already. Without you i would be nowhere. I pray for the exams ahead remembering that i have left the hope of getting a scholarship in your hands. As i begin to hit ecommerce for work again i pray that your wisdom will pour through me as i write the essay. Thank you Lord. Amen

not sure how old this is but its funny.. help to cheer me up at 3 in the morning.

It is time like these wen i wonder whether i have been a good bf or not. I am unsure. And so far i haven heard anything good so i assume thats bad. Sigh.

Exams are in a month and its still taking a while to sink in. I hope that tmr when i wake up that it'll get things done. I pray i do. There is no time left to just play around.

Cheryl's having a fever and i am worried again that she is too stressed out and i was not there for her yet again. i feel like i have been a really terrible bf. I hate being apart from her. I hope her concert goes smoothly. Lord i pray that you will take good care of her health. That she may awake refreshed and ready to go. The you will supply her with the lines which she has memorized. That it will all go smoothly and her superiors will see her as a vital person. Please take good care of her and remind her once in a while of me.. just in case. In your precious and holy name.Amen.

Matt and Ben cameto my place to "celebrate" the moon cake thing. Just taked and had a couple of beers. It was nice. I hope that they will move near me so that next time they can just come over and things will be so much easier... Or we can just go hang at their place.

Did you rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might know your majesty?
Is your voice upon the wind,
is everything I know marked with my makers fingerprints?

Breathe on me, let me see your face.
Ever I will seek you

Cause all you are is all I want, Always
Draw me close in your arms, oh God
I wanna be with you

Can I feel you in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have you capture me again.
Let the earth resound with praise,
can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?

Breathe on me, let me see your face
Ever I will seek you.

Cause all you are is all i want, always
Draw me close in your arms, oh God
I wanna be with you

Lord, i thank you for the littlest of things which you have taught me. I thank you for being with me each step of the way. Thank you fo helping me identify who and what i am to do. I pray that your holy spirit will forever be with me. That i am always be your presence as there is nothing much wonderful then that. I wanna thank you again for ES assignment getting 18/20 and giving me the will will to seek more knowledge. Lord, i pray that you will bless me with determination and motivation as i proceed to this final leg of the semester with the term with the last few assignments and examinations. I pray you will show me people who i can bring back to know you. I thank you for cheryl, the most wonderful gerl who has stood by me and continues to show me the support through this changing time. I pray you be with her always and grant her joy. I pray for that on thursday when i get back my org process assignment that i will be able to glorify your name. I hold your promises close and you closer. I pray for those i think of dearly that have not yet known you. Koba, Anand, Peter. I pray that you be with stephen through this time that you will once again show him and guide him to you once again. That you may be with him in his times of need. As the road draws near to his pt of making decisions about life again that you sow the seed of hope once again. I thank you for keeping my family safe. So as i continue to work, i pray your strength be in my aching muscles and fatigued bones. Thank you Lord. You are no doubt worthy. You are no doubt great. The great almighty. I place again my hopes of a scholarship into your hands. I place cheryls workplace into your hands. Also i pray for as i have a long time ago. That i may be granted the blessing of the holy spirit through tongues that i may praise you and praise you and praise you. I place all my hopes, all my dreams, all my wants in you. Amen.

I just watched a really shitty show called "friends with money". It was kinda depressing and everything. I really wonder why it was rated well on filmcritics.com.

I stood staring blankly in the balcony. Trying hard to see what was happening around and what makes the world go round. Is it money? Many people say that it is and there have been endless theories. Upon much thinking, i think my theory would be finding that happiness. Many find solace in money which can buy material things of which make them happy. I'm not sure if i am one of them but i do know that the ability of endless spending is tempting. There is so much that one can do.

What drives me then? who am i? where am i?

Currently, my life is in a 3000 dollar laptop. Most of my time is spent on it. To entertain my boredom. To get work done. The downloading of shows to watch. Where does it stop? I found myself slogging over every meticulous detail on a group project which i think that i can do well in and i wonder.. what the fuck is going on. What is it that i truely like. Could this be because cheryl's just not here?

It could be. There is really no one that i have here that i can really call a true friend that i can pour out my heart to. I miss my friends back home. I believe that to some extent, they were controlling my insanity. Am i going mad?

I dunno what else to say. The solace i cannot find. Am i just plain lazy? My fucking objective here is to do well. Not waste my parents hard earned money. To make them proud. Get the degree. Maybe study even harder to get a postgrad one and enter the working world to earn my keep. Start a family and all.

Where does this cycle end?

Lord, i am running out of juice. I see no joy. I feel no joy. I feel torn apart. I have been trying fucking hard to hold myself together but i am getting the feeling that i am breaking up.

I feel lost. i dunno what to do.

Website has been revamped again.

Was wondering what theme to be on and the back 2 basics came. So here it is.
Spent countless hours on it. And thanks again howie for renewing my domain. Its been a real help.

Profile talks about me
Blog is this one
Negetives contain my pictures
Reviews contains my tagboard
Animation consists of the shows i've watched
Links are the other bloggers

This week has been really wasted. I have not managed to get much work done while the rest of the group seems to have done. Damn i feel like shit. I just cant seem to settle down to study. Damn it what is wrong with me.

Sigh. Dinner time. Another wasted day. School is reopening soon. ARRRRRRR

The great barrier reef was wow.

Brandon called me at 625. I was supposed to wake at like 6.. haha... anyway, rushed and we made it. It was a long drive but matthew imposed it upon himself to drive all the way. Guess since its his friends car, that was the right way to go.

Was trying to read cheryls website but i think that there is a problem with the server. Totally cannot see mine also. Think howie din help me renew my domain. I hope that i dun lose it. It'll be so sad if i dun get that back.

The reefs were magnificent. The sand was beautiful. The rain was not. It kinda kept chasing us. O well. Wish that cheryl was here to see it. I bet that she would have loved it.

break so far has been great. I miss cheryl so much though. There are times when i feel there is really nothing here for me and even in Singapore without her sometimes just makes me wonder what is the point.

Talked to WY today and i get the feeling that in the end there is going to be no one else coming here. Xept Chris but he will be going to monash. O well. Break is great but i get the feeling that there is so much work to be done and seriously i haven done jack shit. I just cannot find the motivation. Where has it all gone? i have set goals for wha ti wanna accomplish during this period of time and i really do hope thati will be able to meet those goals. Its a long list.

Time flies. Time flies and i think that soon before i know it, i'll be back in Singapore. But first i have to cross the barriers which are the finals which i predict to be a major pain.

Did my op project today and as usual i dun think that it was as productive as it could be. O well. Group work is like that i guess.

I apologise for not blogging for so long. Assignments have been a chore and finally its all over. i have 4 subjects this term and in the 2 weeks i had assignments for all 4. You may be wondering why i care.. thats because they all carry a high weight percentage in the overall mark. Really, mel uni can really suck you dry sometimes.

I pray the Lord will take care of that since i have already finished my part.

Anyway, today began at like 3 am when i woke up as matt was picking me up to go get the cars we rented from the airport. You may be wondering why all the way there??? The answer is cost... we only needed it for a day and the airport was the only one that could provide that and also we had to send celeste to the airport to catch her crazy early in the morning flight.

So matt, joel and i were at the airport at like 445am... which i still think is just not right. And we got the cars. They were 2 camrys. I have to say that a camry is a really nice smooth ride with an ok amount of power... So, anyway, it was my first time driving an auto car believe it or not. haha... seriously.. it was..

Rushed from the airport back to ICT building were we were supposed to rally with the rest and Anis did not show. Till now, i have received no word and am wondering whether he had any intention to come at all.

Lead car we were and off we went on the beginning of the road trip. It was a total of 6 cars and damn was it hard to keep in a line. It was hectic at first, having to stop and wait for those caught in the traffic lights, the slow ones and all. but in the end, we figured it out and yeah. I took turns to drive with matt on the way up and man was the scenery good. I wish i had taken photos and i will be bringing my camera around once koba returns it.

The drive was about 2.5-3 hours. It was nice. I was kinda tired but it looked so nice and we were all talking and all was good. Reached the paintball place after looking around a little and it was in a dirt gravel road thing(will explain importance later).

Paintball is a great game. You pay as hell and you get to hurt your friends and they really cant say anything against you coz all is fair in love, war and paintball. It was like AU$22 for a 100 pellet and its mad... I bought 200 at first and later on spent on another 150... sigh.... So expensive.

Overall, it was great fun. If i was not on a budget i would not have scrimmed and saved on them. I have to say thati was pretty good. I had like 20 kills and about 5 deaths. Seeing the anguish on your friends faces is wow! Anyway, i hit brandon, gen, ben, matt, weihong. Those were 5 of my most liked kills.

My first death took me really hard. And yes it has left a lasting impression on my back. It is actually quite bad. To those whom have not played paintball, it hurts like !@#$. Get shot and you will know. Am begining to wonder whether i wanna let cheryl play coz when the girls in the group got hit, they were like really down and the pain was killing them. Not too sure if they enjoyed it. I think i will be her human sheild if we ever go play it. Dun want her getting awful marks on her body. Anyway, that shot that hit me in the back was definitely from close range coz the bruise proves it and it shocked my entire left side of my body when i was hit. If i knew who it was, i would hunt them down. Will try to see if i can get pictures to show you what i mean.

Some continued in the afternoon after the provided lunch but i was not one of them as i am on a budget and i wanted to respect that.

So.. that was paintball... but the day did not end here. We rallied the cars, now only 5 coz one left earlier and headed for the road home. The dirt gravel road rem? Well, i was in the 2nd car. The 1st car went off fine and so did the second. but the third could not see the break lights of the 2nd and hit the breaks and the 4th car couldn see the 3rd'sbreak lights either and neither did the fifth. 3rd car though hitting the breaks went skidding and so did the rest of them. The 4th hit the 3rd car but it was only slightly but the 5th car took out the corner and the exhaust part even though trying to swing out of the way. the last car took the greatest damaged. Its front was crushed in but amazingly the engine could still start. After contact, it skidded to a stop on the highway but to God be the glory there were no cars there at the time and he managed to reverse back. We were there for about 2 hours figuring out what to do and calling here and there and finally, we sent 3 of the 5th cars people to take a bus and the other 2 remained behind for the tow truck. I really pity them. The main thing i did not say is that they did not purchase insurance. Its going to cost them about 4k for the damaged at least.

Anyway, another car left. To me, there was no good reason for that but i am not their father so they left and we were left with 2 good cars, movable one and another to be towed one. This was tragic and we decided to head back with the 'injured' car in the center so that the other 2 could protect it.

To cut the long story short, we took a damn long time to get home but here i am. We estimated to be home by 7 but its now 2am the next day. Crazy dun you think.

At the end of the day before i go to bed, i thank God for taking care of each individual out in our group today. We have all learnt a valuable lesson about dirt roads and insurance which all influence the entire group, or at least so i hope. Thank you Lord for keeping us all safe. I pray you be with paul and that other guy whom i cant rem his name, that they will be back safe and sound tmr. Thank you for finding the towers in time and granting us journey mercy as the rest of us proceeded back to mel city. In your precious name. Amen.

Its back to the one day a year that someone is allowed to do whatever they want. Managed to talk to cheryl at midnight. Den got back to some work which i expected to take an hour but only slept at 5am. Seriously. Woke up late at about 1300 and went to immigration and posy office to collect stuff. It felt as if i had used the day wisely.

Dinner was with koba, stacey and sio. It was nice. Stacey was so nice and got me a cake and a $30 calling card to call home. It was so nice. Had better find out when her birthday is. I think that from now on i will remember peoples birthdays coz when people remember mine, it does mean someting.

Cant wait for cheryl to get home so we can talk for a while. And open her present!!!!

Din do any work but i dun feel stressed at all even though its at the back of my head. will have to get it done else 20% of my mark is going down the drain.

Its at times like these where i seriously wonder whether we will make it through in life. I fell sick again but to overworking i think. There is so much that i wish that i could do. But all my hopes and dreams are with cheryl in Singapore and she is really having a hard hard time. I wish i could be there to support her. I dunno what to do. To see her so stressed out really kills me. I pray that the lord will be by her side always. I shall try calling her again in a bit once i finish this.

That day draws nearer and i was reminded when a package from my parents, cheryl and my sis came. I was seriously so touched. It seems like no one here gives a half shit and i really think that i am dying inside. My spirit is beginning to shrivel up. And its not topping up so i wonder how much i have left. Maybe its God's way to making me look to him. and that is what i really really want too. but its so hard.

I miss my friends so much back home.

If i had a wish and only 1, i'd wish she'll be happier and not stressed and those pple at her workplace would just bugger off.

Church was good yet again. This time it was a pastor from the states. He was cool. It felt like i was in a black church for a while. Haha.

Works been a pain. Its been piling up and i somewhat feel that i am lagging behind. There is so much to do. Have a major presentation on thurs and am still preping for it now. Plus another essay which i did badly for the last time and practicals which i fear that i might not do correctly. Its worrying.

At least i know that God, cheryl and my family are behind me. But its kinda sccary too coz there is pressure.

I wish i could talk for a long long time with cheryl everyday but i feel the stress. Maybe thats y i have not stopped having breakouts. Could be stressed induced and knowing me, i am stressed all the time.

Back to the work. Sigh.

The past coupla weeks has been really something. Have not been able to blog coz the telephone line had to be reconnected at my new place and the internet and account transferred.

New place has shit loads of cockroaches. Its real sick. Its just irritating. Thankfully, the pest controllers are coming and i have to check with koba whether thats free. It better be coz i got my furniture too

All my furniture is from ikea coz its the best place to go when you wanna get everything. Sigh. O well. I like it. Bought a printer today and i'm so glad coz its been a pain when i need the colour printing.

I ahve to admit that it gets lonely here. Thankfully i have the shows that i downloaded when i was in singapore to keep me with something to do. Spent the whole day like running errands and stuff. Got the last missing pieces from my shelf from ikea. Bought a printer, fixed the shelf. Organised a little. Glad i did that coz now i have walking space.

I wonder how everyone in singapore is doing. It was Geeks birthday today and i din msg... dun think that he will mind though... As my birthday draws near, i think of all the things that i wanted to do and realised that my hands are all tied. I miss cheryl bad and have to constantly remind myself that she's ok. Glad that she has taken into my group of friends back in singapore so at least she can hang out.

Now that i mention it, i haven really heard from those back home and to some extent i begin to wonder whether when i was there that my life actually ment something to people. But to conclude, i am not so sure.

School has been ok and since my furniture is here, i have to keep my promise of going to study like crazy... thats on top of the assignments and all. The next few weeks ahve crazy assignments. There is so much to do but i know that God keeps me strong and i pray that cheryl is covered in his protection.

I feel like the only thing keeping me going are my goals to study and while that can be good... o ya... there is the worry i will disappoint my loved ones. Esp cheryl. I just hope that i can do really well. Tmr, saturday, study. O and buy koba;s birthday present. Sigh. Money is seriously a pain.

Today was the first day i realised that i have not really put in the effort for a tutorial... I was back late yesterday and just did the tutorial. It was due for submission today and when i think about it, i did not put in that much effort in that. It has marks and i am rather pissed at myself that i did not do so.

The more i learn, the more i realise that there is so much that i do not know about especailly in my industry. I hate it... I feel dumb at times and that really stresses me out.

Koba working has to some extent taken a toll on the cheaper lifestyle. With his income everything is rather cheap. I still have to budget and it seems to me that this week i was have already spent quite a bit on eating out but i guess its ok since we are moving this weekend and it doesn make sense that i cook and have to wash everything all over again.

There is going to be much to do but thankfully god has granted me grace and i am able to keep up with certain things. Hopefully all the moving and everything else is going to go smoothly. Still have to purchase my bed and all that. There is going to be much looking and time spent to find these things. I have to really lok into it. I say the shelf that i wanted and its on offer but only in Sept. I am wondering whether i should just wait for it to be available instead of wasting money on it in the future. I hope that it'll be ok.

Cant wait to move. Just cant wait. A space to call my own though there is not going to be a bed yet.. Till i finally get it... I'll just pray that evrything goes smoothly first. Just one step at a time.

Tmr is the last day of the week! yahoo. More time but more stress.

Ok... Cup of tea time. Decided to take a break from trying to study coz nothing has gone in today.

O yeah ... need to get a nice pair of sunglasses. I was thinking of investing in a really nice pair but i think that price is crazy. I was looking at the oakley ducati juliet. Its just amazing. O well, things that i cannot afford.

Went to a friends place to do project yesterday and yet again it turnde out that not much work has been done. Sigh i wonder whether time can ever be optimised. Went to dinner coz it was only 10 dollars for a steak. No joke. Went to safeway to get milk and toilet rolls and rushed back.

I had a tutorial that i have to submit today. Heard that it was rather easy. But when i started. O my, it was not really. Slept about 1 or 2... cant rem but i remember that my answer for one of the questions was just crap.

Body aches but thankfully i hav a short day today. I must make sure that i make good use of my lab times so that i finish up what is needed to be done this week. I have yet to work ahead.

I'm going to be moving on friday midnight. I dun think anyone will be around to care when we move so i hope that thats good abd i hope that the process goes fine. Hopefully everything is good. Finally its so near to me moving that i feel that time is pasing so fast. O my. Isn't hat great. Before you know it i'll be back in singapore.

That also means ihave lesser time to study so i pray that i will be able to settle in quick, put my mind to it and work ahead. There is much to be done.

Today has been a relatively good day but i have yet to do some work so i am going to read now.At least thats counted as something. Its a nicer day today. Only bad thing that happened was that i was caught in the rain. Din get really drenched so thank god. Its just a short one for me today. Wink.

met andrea today. It was great to see a familiar face. Finally someone to really talk to. Though it was just for a little while i still truely appreciate it.

Came back at about 5 plus coz someone needed to claim her stuff from koba's apartment as we are moving out soon. Tried studying after that but i knocked out again. I dunno whats wrong with me. Sigh. I try hard to keep at it but i keep napping and it really spoils the studying mood. I wonder whether there is not enough oxygen somewhere or something. Could be coz i always close all the windows as its cold.

Some times i get so fed up that i just wanna break something. Sigh. I am trying so hard to control it. What used to be my only outlet and ease has sometimes turned out to be fucking hostile and i dunno what to do. Wherever i look i see nothing to pour it out to except God. Still i hear nothing from him anyway. But still i continue to seak.

Lord. take care of her health esp since that she has started her night classes. I pray for energy for her. I also ask if you can take away that spitefulness which i am so much on the end of. I have placed my worries and your word says do not fear. I pray you reinforce my strength. Both mentally and physically. That i may channel all that i have for my studies.

Woke up really late. Rushing to meet andrea now... it seems like so long since i;ve seen her. Anyway, think its her last term in melb so yeah. Yet another fren gone. Anyway, i'm late... Woke up so late i totally forgot about going to Victoria market with Brandon and Darren. Shit. By the time i called they had already finished and were having lunch. O well. Ok. Gotta rush

I think that main reason why i have yet to settle down is that i have no where to settle to. There isn't something i have to call home just yet. Not my own room, not my own space. I'm still living in a suitcase. For those whom do not know what that is like, It not fun in the least bit. Its really a pain in the ass. I wish that things did not turn out that way but i guess life is not all about doing what you want.

Turns out to be a really small world. My childhood friend is already staying in the same building where i'll be moving to. Small ya. I hope that God has something planned for that. Wonder whether they go to church den i can follow or something. I understand what its like staying in a box. I have not been out that much and i think that i should take a walk around crown tmr. No.. Not to gamble but when i was there the other day, the scenery was really cool. Wonder whether there is ne who wants just to talk a walk around and have a look. Should i? I'm wondering.

Cheryl's been really cool about me being here so far. I have to say that it really hurts to be away from her. Guess this is the last test before we decide to take the relationship to the next level. Am concerned about her joba dn how those people treat her. I !@#$ing hate them. How can they be like that. I never do understand. I just hope that she gets her pay increment and promotion soon so that she at least has some power to make certain decision. Its organisations like these which will crumble in time due to having no management power.

I think that i shall do some readings. Hopefully my head is receptive. I dun think that i can do ne more today. There is this limit which the more you push the higher it'll become. I wanna push that.

Ok... i;ll try. No more talk. All action. Lets see how hard i can push my mind. I'll just go relax for a while more first.

Just finished creating a list of objectives for school that i wanna complete before this weekend comes to an end. Its quite a long list and i dun think that i will be able to finish it again but i dun think thats impt. The most important thing is i begin to optimise my time. SLowly and unconciously, i am able to concentrate more. Longer attention span. Thank you Lord. Its really helping me.

I made an agreement with god that if i were to get the job as a barista in school that it would be his will, and if i did not, it would be of his will too. I did not get it by the way and to a certain extent i am happy. I do hope that in the future i willl be able to get a really good paying one so that i can have less hours. I could really do with the money. I dunno how long i can stay cooped up here till i go crazy.

So far the only entertainment which i look forward to in the further future which i think money should be spend on. Or at least its placed further down the line, it'll snap me out of the crazy mood. Thats paintball. I believe that its going to be expensive. I dunno how much but i will scrimp and save so that i can go. So far the list is Me, Brandon, Jason, Jensen, Jeremy, Dominic, Matt, Ben, Darren, Weihong, Paul, Ryan(brandon's fren), Seann(jason's fren), Ken(jason's fren), Anis, Chris(my fren). The maybe list is Gen, Joel, Joyce. SO thats 16 confirmed and 3 unknown. We still need another 13 people to take the entire field for ourselves. I hope it works. So ne one here in melbourne. I empasise, In melbourne, wanna play????? just drop me a msg on my tag and i'll try to get back to you.

OK. time to being with the work. But first, to brush my teeth. Wink.

The weeks been good. I guess that i am slowly moving into settling down. Got really pissed just now. I am not sure why coz its the end of the week. Signalling some rest but i guess its maybe coz i dun get any. Even if its on a weekend there is nothing that i do. I seriously wanna find a job soon. I cant really take not being able to spend freely and everything. Its really hard.

Submitted my Enterprise Systems assignemnt yesterday and its a serious load off my chest. To be able to just let go of such a weight just makes you seem like ya flying.

Really homesick for singapore. Could it be that national day just past and it does influence me? I miss cheryl, i miss my family, my friends. There is just so much that you know about where you came from. The people here are nice and all but i have yet to find those who reallly wanna just like hang out or something. Most of my school mates stay far away.. actually they are not that far away just nearer to school. I keep reminding myself that i am here to study so i better not fuck up and thats what keeps me going.

Well, weeks done and i'm going to get a much needed rest otday before i begin studying again tmr. Sigh.

Woke up today with a really bad cough and a slight fever but decided to go to school anyway. I dun wanna miss anything whatsoever. Walked and kinda got lost but found my way back... Cant believe i was feeling so bad i just walked the wrong way. Anyway, I'm not the only one who is sick and i wonder whether there is a virus going around. O well. I will just take good care of my body and i'm sure i'll be fine.

Almost finished with my Enterprise Assignment 1 and i think i should be able to hand it up on thursday. Have to look for the lecturer to ask something about referencing first. Just hopefully, all will be well and i will hand that in on wed. Just found out i have another submission due on wed so i'll do that tmr as well. Am starting to get the hang of it so i should be ok in no time.

Tried applying for the barista job and i wonder whether they are actually going to call me back. Well, i told God that if its his will for me to start working, a job will arise so if they dun call me back i guess its his will as i have done my part.

Cant wait to settle down and all in the new place. Thats only going to occur on the 19 Aug as we wanna give the agents enough time to make sure the place is in tip top or rather acceptable condition. I pray that all goes well. Den its be shopping for furniture. I dread this as i dun wanna spend the money.

God has beeen more den wonderful towards me and i continue to pray for his everlasting grace. I pray too that he will be with cheryl and cover her with his love and blessing which he has shown to me. also, i pray for the control over my vices and so far it seems to be working well. Hopefully sometime in the near future i'll kick it. I pray He'll take care of my studies as i put in the effort and also for cheryl's when she starts. I pray for his guidance in my path each and everyday and for his serenity to be with cheryl over this tough period of time. Keep us both in good health and also that once i settle down i will find a good church where i can worship. Or at least join the OCF. I pray for financial assistance as i continue looking for a job but i pray i will only get one when He feels its time. All these in his name. Amen.

My dateline for the ES assignment is drawing near and i have been stuck on it forever. I have to finish it tmr. I have to. I must. I have to. I must. Its 5 marks out of the whole sem so i pray that all is well. am already 70% complete. Just need to make sure i get it rite.

Thank goodness i checked the date.

Was at home trying to catch up on work the whole day but most of it went to sleep. Later shifted some stuff from here to another guy whom just lives 3 stories above our new place. It was tiring. But good exercise.

Found $35 on the floor and that paid for my dinner and the groceries. Wow. God must really be shining on me. Thank you for taking such good care of me.

Going to be trying to apply for a barista job tmr and hope all goes well. It only pays 14 an hour but i guess thats still good money rite? I'll just apply and if God allows, i'll get it. I'll just wait and see for his revelation.

Its a sat afternoon and i'm surprised i'm home. Yet again i wonder whether i have fully utilised all my time. At least between yseterday and today i got alot of work done. The weather is great and i wonder whetheri;m the only one sitting at home trying to get work done. I cant believe that i am doing this. Its quite cool really. I might become a nerd.

Sometimes i miss my family, cheryl included. It just feels like i am all alone here and we really do take that forgranted sometimes. Well. its back to the work place. At least on tuesday we will be signing the lease. Den do the transfer later coz i'll be in school. Den i can finally settle down in that place and hopefully get better in the time management area. Am thinking of working on a time schedule where i can really focus on time.

My assignment is due soon and i have run out of ideas to add in. I pray god gives me the energy and brain power to just finish it once and for all. ok. I gtg. Will try to be back later.

Its another friday night and here i am trying to cook and study at the same time. Wanted to make sure i dun get left behind so i decided to catch up first den relax someother time. Anyway, i have plenty of time to right? at least i hope so.

Just flipped the chicken in the oven so i hope its got at least some taste. Koba went out to eat. Cant expect him to keep eating home all the while so i think that once i get settled at the new place, i'll try really just cooking by myself.

O yes. Managed to get the apartment koba was viewing today. They called back already but still the process is not finished yet. We still have to go down and make sure we sign the contract. I think that should be done soon. Need to talk to koba about who will get what when we get there. I am hoping to get the larger room with a toilet and all so that in case there is anyone over, i'll just lock myself there and study. Thats what i hope to do but we have to discuss it. Just at this palce, i dunhave my own space to concentrate and all. Everyone comes and goes. So much noise and i cant seem to do my work properly. O well.

Its the beginning of cheryl's weekend so i hope that she has fun but takes good care of herself. More water. Will try to read her letter again later.

I just finish school for the week. Telecomm was a bitch. Seriously, the ways lessons are supposed to work are just dumb but i guess that i dun have a choice but to follow the way its done here. Org processes was wonderful.

Need to email my lecturer to confirm that i have the place in the ecommerce class with the rest of the guys. Really hate the fact that i know no one there. Singaporeans can be groupy and i guess that after all, i am one of them.

Koba viewed the apartment this morning after i went to school. So far, all is well but i have to keep my fingers crossed again. The last time it went like that too so hopefully koba can get his bank statement tmr and den we can go down and take the place and make sure that its our for sure this time.

So overall, it was an ok day. Nothing big till i met Koba on my way back from school to get the key. He told me that i got a package from CHERYL!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!! i was so happy i rushed back to read. Den here i am blogging straight away... My baby is so sweet.

Cant wait for her to get home so we can talk!!!

Had arough day yesterday. worst case was i found out that the apartment whcih was supposed to be ours was already leased out so off we are on another search to find one. I guess that since its more to the time koba starts working, he is more panicky but i really hope that we get a place. It'd be good if it was the lonsdale one den rent it out the car park and it'll still be cheaper though more den the budget i expected here. Now i understand why sometimes people have misunderstanding with their housemates so it just proves my theory of being blunt. Well, i hope that me and koba nv get into an argument.

So i'm off to the bank to draw out money for koba to put in his bank to get a statement. After getting the place, we'll talk about the details.

Its raining. I wonder how i am going to get to school.

Read a post on how hard it is for cheryl and i'm feeling terrible too. Also coz i do feel the same way but i have so much to complete everyday that sometimes i have to admit, my mind transfers to school work and getting settled in. I wish i could do something to help her. A suggestion came up and i think that that might be the best step. Maybe talking less and everything will help her to feel better. I just cant help it when she is sad, disappointed, angry, whatever. I can see it, hear it, still sense it though its over Skype. Sometimes its amazing.

I'm so sorry to all that i have not replied to very the past 2 weeks but i beg you to have me settle down first. I Have quite a bit to get done. Housing is almost settled. Koba has to talk to the guy to transfer the lease before we are confirmed. School work is ok but i am still lagging behind a little. I sometimes dun think that i am optimising my time fully. I have to learn. but its going to take a while.

My friends house was broken into yesterday. They stole most of his expensive stuff. Laptop and all. Seriously, its not safe here and i dun really know what to say. Sometimes we take security for granted. I will keep that in mind.

I just hope that cheryl always knows that i am totally committed to her. And no matter what things seem, i really am trying hard. Have to learn to be less hard up and more easy going too. Sigh. I miss you dear. I'm so sorry that we dun ahve the most of time to talk. I really am. Kiss.

Back to work.

Went to ikea just now to look at potential furniture. Not too bad but everything now seems expensive to me. Maybe coz i dun have my own money yet. I have not achieved my objective today for finishing the reading but will do so later... going to take a crap and watch an episode of JOEY, btw its not that funny, Sigh.

Damn man. I should have just woken Koba up at 8 when i got up. I have to say to some extent i was really really looking forward to going to rock climb and by thati mean the rock wall kind.... or at least i think so coz i have not been there yet. The downside of it is that its in the morning so i dun think that i will be able to go always coz once i get the new place and settle down i'll be going to church. Not decided which one yet and how though coz its so far away. Anyway, after i woke up, i got a glass of water den thought to just lie a while coz he was supposed to wake me up. Sigh. O well. To some extent i think that it'll be my only source of exercise here. For a while. Till i find more to do.

We had a look at a potential new place yesterday. It was nice though. A little smaller but it was sweet. Will be making the decision on a monday morning after we get a look at another place with more facilities but smaller in size. What should i choose. I have no idea. The thought of having a pool is cool but the weather now just kills the thought.

OK i'm off to reading. So much of it. Not sure how to finish. When koba wakes up i'll find out if it was cancelled or we overslept. Sigh.

I just got up. It feel skinda refreshing but i still woke up every once in a while due to noisebut i think that wont be a problem when we shift. Koba's housemate is shifting out soon so i have to cover rent. Sigh. The money matters come in again.

Finally got down to telling my parents that i'll be moving and they're reactions were much different from what i imagined. They were rather supportive and ask me to just buy whatever is needed and all. I was truely shoked. But den again i still dun wanna use their money so i'm still pondering a way to find that. Maybe working but to do well with a workload might be so so different. I have to think carefully.

Ok.. woke up so late i might have wasted too much time. To the books! which actually means to the computer coz everything that can do is all on it. Sigh... O my eyes.... Must remember constant breaks.... Must remember constant breaks...

At times we wonder,
At times we cant just help but think,
no matter ones intention,
the worst is what they portray it'd be
and when i go to sleep,
i pray God will hold it all together,
unspoken thoughts,
unsaid words,
tormenting,
searing,
it feels,
as it begins to fade to grey,
slowly,
slowly,
till the eyes finally take over,
uncomforted sleep.
In dreams,
the mind, never met objectives,
the heart, pain for the distance apart,
the body, tired as hell,
the spirit, depleting slowly.

Many choose to come to study here not really knowing the culture and the way that things work here in australian universities. I for one am one of them. Looking back now having finished national service, i have to say that there are 2 things which are similar to it.

1) You cannot expect the system to work for you. You have to work for the system. When you require something, you have to faster get it done yourself coz no one here really gives a shit what happens to you. Your future, your endeavours are for you yourself to control if you chose to undertake the 'forbidden task' of getting all the troublesome things finished yourself. which i must add i gave up on after having to run all over the place and people kept directing me in circles.

2) Take your normal average working speed, which i must add includes the way you walk and divide it by at least 2 and thats the result of the way things move here. Every fucking thing is slow. You have to make a conscious effort to slow down your pace of life here.

Having advance standings here actually really toughen up the process on things as they screw up your timetables and stuff. There is much that one should look back and regret but than again, i live by a motto to nv look back because the past can only be the past. It can never be your present of future.

Enterprise systems is a bitch. There is so much to learn but at the end of the day, i cant complain much coz studies at different levels should not be compared. I'm stil trying hard to cope with the different systems as everything is all over the place and you have to search for the datayourself which includes whether locations of classes are changes and what to bring or whatever. Am still adjusting and my only condolence is that God will take care of it all. It will work out.

I hold on to the verse "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understnading will guard your heart and mind in christ jesus" Philippians 4:6,7

I guess with so much work, i wont be able to talk to cheryl as much as i pray our bond will never fade away. I wish everyday that she was here. I miss the rest of the others like anand, stephen, peter, weiliang, wy, qh, liz, ben, vin, janna, juli, ling, etc... so many others whom were a part of my life but are not on the road i have chosen in search for a better future. Drop me a message on msn or whatver ya. Email, skype? i'd be happy to hear from you guys. I have to admit at times, its so hectic that i do get lonely here.

ok. Its back to the lab assignments which i wanna complete today. somehow i dun think that my objective is very good as i have already missed some points and there is just too much to do. Sigh.

Today has been an ok day. Went to the shopping district, high end one, saw like 3 ferraris and an aston. Koba is going on and on about that being his dream car and all. All seems well and am happy that God is with me this entire way. Working in all circumstances. Thank you lord.

Cheryl is sick again and she stayed home today. Managed to get a reasonable talk with her and am ok. Just she is sick. Fever again. Real worried. Am not sure how to help. Got her to boil the antelopes horn to lower the temp. Just read her message that she is having high fever of up till 39 and my heart is racing. Think that i should tell her mom that if it every reaches 39, she should just get a really cold shower to ease the temperature to make it cooler. Dear lord, i once again commit cheryl into your hands, may your healing hand be with her, cast out all evil sickness from her and protect her from all viruses. You are the lord almighty and we pray all these knowing that you will cover her in your name. Amen.

I just wish i could fucking settle down soon. Den every fuck thing can fall into place. No matter how hard i try to, its just not possible. I have no doubt that there is something to take from these experiences coz God lets them happen for a reason. Why do they happen? Can both worlds just exist coherantly?I guess that double happiness is really hard to get. I guess only i'll truely understnd what everything means in this post.

I guess my joy card is of no use coz the only thing when i call is unhappiness so i guess i might just trash it. Its so fucking ironic. Wait... its not mine. I'll just give it back to koba.

I'm going to cook for the first time since i got here. No what i planned but neither has any fucking day here. Instant noodles it is. Not much choice is there. But first, i've gotta wash the fucking utensils.

I was called emotional baggage the other day. Now that i think about it, i dunno what to say. I never thought of it that way. I did reply even before i was told to but i doubt it'll be believed. I cant call back now. Too much mixture. Anger, Pain, Disappointment, Hunger. I gotta let it out.

Just for the jist of today. I din do jack shit. It was a wasted day.

No matter whatever fucked up feeling this is and no matter how far i try to run, i still miss you so bad. But i guess calling dun solve anything. At least not at this point of time. I hope i'll settle down soon.

Guess that being nice to everyone just aint working. If thats the case, i'll jsut be ruthless, i no longer give a fuck about what people think here. I'll treat whoever deserves to be treated the way they should be coz its not moving fast enough to get settled.

Anger and Pain, be my energy.

Last in i was just here and learning lots about aussie. Its ok. Totally different kinda culture really. My most worries still lie with cheryl though. Anyway, the last couple of days has been so hectic. I have been at school most of the time and trying hard to get everything done. I fought hard for my timetable to be a 4 day week and thank God that i got it. Else, i dunno what i;d do. Whatever the case, its now 4 days and i am thankful.

Cheryl's been mia yesterday and i'm real worried. I dun think that she might be taking this all that well and i dun think that i am either. Through most of the things i do, i miss her and wish she was here to be with me throughout this process. Really hope that she can come soon. Am thinking of asking my parents to change when i return to Singapore from june next year till dec this year so i can spend more time with her and tell her about this. I miss her so much i decided to stay home and try to catch her online today. Lets just hope that no one comes home to disturb me but in any case i'll just go into koba's room. :(

Where have you gone? what have you been up to? Its just been a couple of days and i already cant take it. Do you believe me? I knwo that in your own way to deal with it, you shut me out and i have to get that coz i want whats best for you but dun shut me out for too long ok. I hope to see your smiling face tonight on skype. Love ya.

While waiting for cheryl to get online, decided to blog

Koba was too tired to walk me for school in the morning so i took a walk myself. Managed to get to school on myself. I am proud. Met with jeremy, gen , matthew, brandon, celeste, dominic. We all went to the orientaion center together from the tram stop. Anyway, i walked all the way and i was thinking whether i could save the money all the way when i'm here as the tram is 250-320 a ride. No shit. Price rite?

School has so many things to do. Have not managed to enrol yet as i need a couple of forms from the faculty which i can only get tmr after the interview. Its a little more draggy den expected and its kinda stressing me out. I miss those times when its just all laid out for you. But i guess, nothing comes free and neither does for credits. Will be reseaching on the modules to take for this term. Have to choose another 2 i think.

Koba and the rest went out for drinks already but i decided to stay home so that i can get stuff done for school first. Its really stressing me out. I just wanna enrol first, make sure i'm in and get my subjects den i'll be more at ease.

I gotta go and take another crap. Stomachs not been too well. I'll go shower at the same time. Its damn cold. Thankfully there is a heater.

ok.. later.

I'm starting to feel the toll that this will take on us. I am now rethinking my decision of not coming back every holiday. I cant stand having you not feel ok. I cant take you being sad. I really cant. Every step up the way, i am constanstly thinking of ya.

Just managed to call you. Talked on the phone. I have gotten my documents all done up. packed for school. I think. Yeah. Managed to unpack some stuff as koba just let me put some stuff on his table so yeah. Will be in school at 9 to start registering and stuff. Hope that all goes well.

Anyway, the internet is up again and there should not be a problem. At least i hope there will not be a problem. We'll get to skpye soon!!!!

Ok i have to sleep now. Hope you are already sleeping. Sleep tight! kiss.

my flight is shortly coming to an end. So far the experience has been as such. Rushed into the scanner thingy at the gate and forgot to that my camera out coz it was on my belt. Got pulled out. O well. It was sort of a scare. SQ is way cool. Did you know that they have internet access????? but den again you have to pay dunno how much. Not sure how much i can type before they ask me to turn it off so i'll be quick. I spent much of the flight getting my rest. No movies for me strangely. Also because i had a faulty headset.

Finally here at koba's place now. Its a damn nice place i guess that whats service apartments like. The doors dun have locks though. Weird but i guess that i'll get used to it. Melbourne is cold. I wish that cheryl was here to experience with me. I think that she would have liked it here. Maybe we'll move here next time.

Koba's friend picked us up in a car. Real nice person. At least so far. The town is like rather dead. Maybe its coz its so early in the morning. Koba is complaining... The shops are closed. Most of the things are not open.

Currently reformatting his comp. Will be back soon.

Just got home from taking my pink IC. Its been a while since i last saw it which was during my disruption from the BMT period. Once again, i have nothing that binds me just the normal law. To some extent, i feel strange. There is no longer this feeling of having to be responsible for so many things but i have to admit the i did love my job, the responsibility and all the guys i worked with. Too bad the navy pays so little. Guess that when its time to move, its just time. One should not look too hard on the past. Its a new chapter of my life, the part which will determine much of what the future will hold for me and my family.

Got 10 cartons of assorted drinks for my guys at work and now that i look at it, knowing them, it wont last for more den a week. i can only hope that they will remember me for longer. It was the first of the goodbyes which i have had to give and to some extent, it did hurt. I cant imagine the pain that i will feel tmr when cheryl is standing there and i have to say bye. They even got me a watch and i am seriously touched. Everytime i wear it, i will remember those times. Santhosh had better take good care of them else i am going to kick his ass.

Left about lunch time after saying my last goodbyes. Left them letters on the table. Hope that they all get it. Upon driving home, i pondered what tmr will be like. Sigh. Some of my guys told me that tmr dun cry and as much as i would like to put up a strong front, i might just be overwhelmed. It'll be the longest away from everything. Just like army and navy but those where only for a while and most weekends, i could return to my place of rest. I hope that i will be able to adapt. Should not be a problem.

To the guys at 185 FB, good luck and all the best. I will always remember those times we shared. I wish you all the best in your endeavours ahead. Take care.

I'm going to be flying off on the 15 july. Yeah think that thats a saturday. Flights at 2045 but i most probably will go in earlier so i can board the plane faster or something like that. Its my first time on SQ. 227 if you must know. Wonder whats that going to be like

Gotten my aussie no. +61424234352. You guys should know my old one. Have not changed it yet. dun think that i ever will. Should be using these in the respective countries for a long long time.

Anyway, i'll be updating here almost everyday so do check in.

I dunno how i am going to face cheryl. I'm going to be devestated. But i cannot show it coz it just makes everything so much harder. Sigh. what to do what to do.

spirits are low, tempers are high. The disagreements are mounting one after another. Objectives not met yet still we go on so we had to seek higher authority. Briefed my OC on the situations and had everyone express their feelings and 2 cents worth on the training for the reservice guys. When i ask myself whether i will be like that in the future, i cannot answer. I have no idea what the future does hold. Could my potential which so many others long ago have faded to zilch? Or have i always looked up ono myself by too far a factor.

Anyway, everything was settled due to the defects causing too much of a problem to sail. But one can see how much hostility there was between the 2 sqadrons. I just hope that nothing happens tmr. I have a bad feeling.

Was also scolded by a MAJ today for not greeting him(senior officer he said). Seriously.. WTF.. too thick skin...

Please please i just wanna ORD in peace

A father of neverending strength. One of concern that none can replace. My dad has always been a pillar of strength for this family. The one whom does all that is needed that others rather not do. Even the little nitty gritty issues. He is the one whom makes all the loose ends meet. And each time, never asking for recognition. A great role model, one whom i hope i can be at least as good as in the future.

Though you may never read this, Happy father's day.

From Andre with love.

An incident happened at work today when one of my guys i din really like confronted me through some others. Well, all i can say is that i had never really thought that people would think that i was back stabbing them. But i am not suprised that he was.

In OCS, i had the the same feeling. But could it be the way i do things? Is that what depicts how we work? should it? At the end of the day i am happy that there was something that happened so that the experience would infuse itself into my head. Will i still work the way i work? Hell yes. I can do it no other way. When i look around, there has not been a job that can be done without comprimising on the standard unless the workers are all that good or the top exerts pressure on them but on the other hand i do not know everything. Through this i have learnt humility in a way. I have to admit that a certain part of me has the mind not to care since i have the authority but to me, thats not the way that God intends me to be. A lesson learnt, learnt well.

All that aside, i am actually rather worried about going all alone to aussie. Yes i have Koba but its been so long since we have actually seen each other and i dunno if his personality has changed. I really hope it has not but after what, 4 years, i can blame no one.

So many, so much to leave behind. My mental strength grants me the power to go but my emotional strength to some extent seems to be leeching terribly onto it. Lord grant me the power can will to go and keep me safe from what the future brings. Keep cheryl safe too. In our name. Amen.

O my goodness... i have not updated my blog for so long... have to get to that..

A tree fell today. Caused a hellaofa jam... Was trapped in it... #@!$... O well.

Went to pick Cheryl up and send her home so that she wouldnt have to take the bus. Man did the jam kill me. O well... I seriously have to pity the guy whom got trapped in the damn thing. Surely he is traumatised beyond repair.

Trying to decide on what laptop to buy. IBM is crazy coz of its price but the warrnaty is 3 yrs. Am thinking of a toshiba something.. cant rem the model. Think it was A100 or something. its prob the best i can afford. Dun tink that my dad is going to pay fer a 3k plus one so i think that i'll just come out with the money myself.

Recently, i realise how much cash i have wasted in NS.. Or the potential. I really have no idea how some others can live on such a minute allowance from the rich ass governemnt. Thankfully, i have a good enough pay. :)

Works been relatively good. Not really that stressful except fer the intel test which i aced. haha. but am just happy that most of my guys seem to know their stuff. I'm not speaking fer the two newer guys though. Truthfully, i dun understand how they can be like that. I shant mention details here. Sometimes i feel rather helpless and to a certain extent, i have pity my my men when i leave coz they are going to be in their hands. They are going to be so pushed around.

My Oc is posting out so a new one is coming in so that means as the damn DYOC, i am going to have to do more work or show him how some of the stuffs are done. Damn.. must remind myself i only need to take that crap fer a few more months.

Am going to miss my baby and so much and so many other pple when i go though. sigh.

hai.... i'm on today day....

Decided not to play yet another game of DOTA.... its getting too hardcore and i dun wanna be leaving cheryl alone too... we already have so little time together.

So, i went surfing the web... Guess what i found????

Found one of my cpl's blog. Hee... I was actually quite disappointed though... would have liked to see some of the things which they hate about me... It would ahve been like a silent review but as i said, it was nothing. Should i just ask them? what do you think?

Its been quite a while since i did a reflection but i think that i will be doing more of that real soon... real soon.. Its not a bad thing too...

Submitted my early ORD clearance forms today. All i have to do is sit and wait for the approval. Fianlly.. I've been dragging it for a while having stuff to do but it was mainly due to me thinking that my OC would not want to be bothered... To my surprise, when i approached him he asked me not to be afraid to ask him when i need him to help me out... Sometimes you really nv know a person till you make an effort to... I think i have for him though but i have not made an effort for all except the seamen... i'll put that on my agenda.

Thought: Never leave till tmr what you can do today.

Time flies... seems just a while ago that i was still screwing up my final term in poly... O well... maybe second chances do happen... pray i will put my heart and soul into the next step. Wont want another waste of time....

I've taken away some good stuff from being a naval officer. Its not all that bad. Though to a certain extent it is positively a waste of time. But to look on the bright side, i was an experience.

I miss the times when i could just say hey man i dun feel like being in this class... lets hit town.... and we'd just leave and just forget about everything else. Guess in a way its helped me to remind myself that i've had my fun. Time to start stare reality in its face.

Or have i already?