Just got back from the barber. Am back furious. Dun get me wrong. My hair cut turned out fine if not great. Well, when i was there, there was this lady whom called to get her hair done. Which already proves its someone who cant wait.. Lack of patience. While i was cutting my hair, she was talking to the stylist about her son who is going to be in secondary one in the new year. She was talking about how she was not sure if she has chosen the right school and just to let her son decide. Was asking if her son was able to keep my kinda hairstyle in school... Ya rite... seriously.... Maybe i look young den.. haha.. anyway, i was wearing my ACS singlet and when i got up to pay, she was like Oh you are from ACS.... I was like.. whats wrong? Why? And her reply was that its not a good school and she has put her son in
new town sec and stuff... I wanted to flare but the thoughts of the consequences 'naval officer quarrels with woman at barber shop' drifted in my head for a bit and i decided to let it rest.

ACS is a good school with a powerful heritage and there is seriously no doubt about it. Like all, it has its good and bad. There is no place which will allow you to cultivate a better person with spirit unlike any other. Anyway, i strongly believe a person is not brought up by the environment. If he/she is so den it shows what a weakling he/she is. One starts being defined by the family and up bringing. Values are from there. Ones potential is brought out from the early stages of the surroundings which teach us in different ways how the world works. From then onwards, the character is already in place. Schools help to nurture and chisel the person for definition of the finer points. ACS has been the building blocks of many many many, i cant emphasise more, people whom are now well known and earn a good living. Cant be bothered to type anymore.

You have already belittled ones potential by seeking the wrong school. Dun you dare insult mine. Ya lucky i'm still in NS.. You better hope you dun meet me after i ORD. My tongue can be rather sharp.

Just finished watching young and dangerous... yes.. thats the really old gang show from my secondary school days. It really brings back memories of a past, which at times we frown upon or maybe leaves a slight grin on our faces. Well, to me at least it does. Smirk or frown you may ask... Well, the saying goes, "for me to know...", you know the rest.

Actually to think about it, this show is a great source of reflection. Back in OCS, everytime we watched something, we had to do a reflection on the values and stuff on the show and on the characters and all. Haha. Funny dun you think, the deepest values lie within those which so many despise. The sun shines down upon them and so often we dun even take a second glance. Sad rite?

Cant wait to watch the rest of the series which i once loved so long ago.

I'm staring outta e window and i am yet again reminded how sometimes we all get caught in the rat race which our singaporean community presents us with. To each and every individual, we react individually. To a certain extent, i feel really bad coz now when i think about it, i've kinda ignored some of my friends. I dun wanna lose you guys so i'll try my upmost best to catch up with you all once i pass my COC. Its on the 15th Dec so pray for me. Being assessed by a LTC so its kinda stressful..

My baby lost her phone yesterday. Left it in the cinema fer a little while and when we rushed back to get it, it was already gone and i was not able to call through. Anyway, Its a 6600, yes its old but with all our things, the sentimental value always remains. Luckily.... Cough.. cough.. Fortunately i mean, i have an extra one since CNB(Changi Naval Base) doesn allow, dammit...... anyway, ya... thankfully, we got her a new sim card and now at least she is contactable.

Trying to find out what the song from the Soo Kee Jewellery advertisement is so if you know, please let me in on it.. Really appreciate it.. It goes something like this:

quietly, the starlight flows moments shared not long ago so true so long the skies above your nearness flows nights or days sparkling, dazzling stars and us alone

Tats all i can get.. Chao fer now.

Was out with a group of friends today and to a certain extent i felt weird. Kinda strange feeling. Seems like everyone got a little more distant. Could it be that the one whom's changed is me? I ain't too sure. I hope not. Everyone now is caught up in their own stuff... Actually its been me who has rather distanced myself. Not that i am not into ultimate but rather i no longer seem to have that kinda click with the rest. Ultimate had bonded us but i guess it will also be what will break us all. I have no intention of going back competitively but i hope that in time i may once again rejoin that sport which i used to love so much...

Meanwhile, i hope that what you guys are doing, you'll have fun.

To you guys, namely, nigel gen, derek, weiliang, wenyao , qh

Cheers

I've realised that i have been damn lazy to blog very often but i'll try to again so that i can have a daily account of my life... sort of.. if i ever wanna look back on it.

Today's been another one of those days that just make you wanna kill someone. I would but God and society frown upon it. Sometimes i wonder why i even bother to try to do stuff well at all. When you look back on it, you just get screwed over. A seaman, who has ORD-ed, once told me the more you do work, the more they will give you but they will not give you what is promised. Be it the benefits or what fuck they promise. Hate to admit it but thats true to some extent and thats rather sad dun you think. Who den will wanna try to do their work well???? For the regulars, thats fine because the more you do the more you have a reputation and you will move up the promotion ladder faster and all but how about for us NSFs??? What gives us motivation or what should drive us to do as well as we can? For me, i once promised that i would try to and also because i dun wanna have people in NS view me as slack jack and have that come back some time in the near future come back and bite you in the ass. Hopefully COC will go smoothly and i will get my DY OC post and not have to be pushed around that much.

Received my offer on my double degree in Science and Commerce in university of new south wales. Still waiting for the rest of my applications to return with a reply so that i can faster choose one to settle down with one. I see more potential problems in the future but those i leave to God, for i know that he has planned the path for me and he will be with me every step of the way where i walk. truely, without you i'd be lost.

yyyyaaaaahhhhhooooooooooo... i finally got a new pair of shoes.... now that i have a pair, i will wear it once in a while.... still like my slippers but i cant go to church and all with slippers can i?

Sigh.. wanted to go to cheryl's church today but i'm having sailing today.. at night somemore... also will be missing the manchester united and chelsea game.. o well... sigh...

*Stressed out for sailing*

Woke at 4 feeling queesy.... faught with the nausia for a bit and then decided that giving p would be better and my food hauled... There went the seafood combo i got from marche. I wonder how girls can take this feeling when they are pregnant or whatever. Its horrible. There was blood in my spit also.. Thats rather worrying but my dad said its normal so yeah. Well. I hope he is right.

The real question is, was it the seafood?

Fucking marche

Damn. I'm sick... seems that i caught the cold from the FB chalet. Shit..gee.. wonder who that can be.. sheesh... My test date was postponed and i'm seriously dreading it. I thought that i would have a chance to be able to try to pass it but i did not. I have no idea how i am going to but i pray that God will find a way.

Currently, i've just finished watching desperate housewives. The entire season 1.. power rite. HaHa.. seriously if you need a fix (tv shows), lemme know and i'll let you in on what i'm watching... good shit really... good shit

Do you ever look back and wonder?
Do you ever look back and think?
Has it all been worth it?
For all the things gone through?
We all worry for our futures,
we all worry for our lives,
we all worry for our love ones,
we hope we'd never say goodbye.
We pray for loved ones,
we commit our friends,
but seldom do we look in the mirror the see
the pain we hide inside.

I'm in that kinda mood........ heres a song fer u.


The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And i'm tangled up in you, yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

Where do they go and what do they do?
They're walking on by. they're looking at you.
Some people stop, some people stare.
But would they help you and do they care?
How did you fall? did you fall at all?
Are you happy when you are sleeping underneath the stars?
When it's cold is it your hope that keeps you warm?
A spare bit of change is all that I give.
How is that gonna help when you've got nowhere to live?
Some turn away so they don't see.I bet you'd look if that were me.
How did you fall? did you fall at all?
Is it lonely where you are sleeping in between parked cars?
When it thunders where do you hide from the storm?
Could you ever forgive my self-pity?
When you've got nothing and you're living on the streets of the city.
I couldn't live without my phone.But you don't even have a home.
How did we fall? can we get up at all?
Are we happy where we are on our lonely little star?
When it's cold is it your hope that keeps you warm?
Where do they go and what do they do?
They're walking on by. they're looking at you.
They're walking on by. they're looking at you.

there are times when i feel like i have no choice but to be hard on people so that they will understand that my instructions should be followed and not ignored. Yes its about work and its not that i have a problem controlling my men but more of a i need to learn to be more mean to them. Others have adviced me to keep my distance between officers and the rest but i have not really listened. I guess i was too nice to them from the beginning. O well, we all learn new things everyday rite? guess that this is one of them. I will from tmr learn to be stricter on them and punish them if i need be to get my point across.

Where to study? where? what to study? damn my mind is so confused that i dunno what to say so much to do. Sigh. Time is ticking.

am so bored of the way this looks... think that i'm going to change it again and finally get the entire site fixed up... must find howie... need access to server..

Things so far have been rather cool. Most of the times, everything seems to go ok. Some stuff bothers me every once in a while though. The time to decide on my place of study is getting shorter and shorter... i've gotta decide really soon... i really hope that cheryl will be with me. That i leave to the lord. Haven heard from quite a few friends in quite a while... I hope that all is well with you.. If you do happen to read this, just beep me and i'll reply (depending if i'm at work or not.. the no camera phone thing in Changi Naval Base is a bitch)... Hope to hear from you all soon

Was chatting with Anand the other day and its come to my attention that some of us have unconsciously over an extended period of time built up a certain resistance to a once close knitted group which i chose to believe was a group which was not just bonded by something which we had participated in. Its quite disappointing to see things this way but i guess most have come to terms with it... xept me of coz.. i'm a tinge slow when it comes to friendship matters...

I just finished watching the longest yard with cheryl and sudddenly my heart was heavy. Most probably was because of not going to work tmr. See, the duty thing goes something like this: duty followed by a normal working day and then an off day. Its a priveledge not an entitlement. Thats what they call it. Anyway, the thing that troubles me is that i am still new in the unit and i dunno what people will say behind my back. Sometimes, its just hard. Well, my senior, my DY OC, assured me to stay home so i've decided to do that since tmr will probably not be a fruitful day again. Basically i cant seem to get much work done in camp so maybe i'll look through some notes back here.... yeah rite.

The future is beginning to trouble me. will i have a bright future? will i do well and get a well paying job? will i be able to find one. Will i rise well in the management ladder? Will i be able to get back on track with God? Will i be able to?

Will i?

How often is it that one gets up on a saturday morning with a slight frown.. My mom's friends are on transit here in singapore from germany before heading back to australia so i decided to give up my room to them and i'll just sleep outside. After last night, i realise how much of an inconvenience it is to not have your personal space. Maybe i've been a little spoilt. Sigh. When i was on the phone with cheryl, there was no where i could be alone. Every room was occupied, xept the toilets that is.

More bad news again. Most probably cheryl wont be able to come with me to aust to study. Or even study at all. I wish that i could find some way to get that money she can study. My heads all messed up. I dunno y this has to happen. I still hope for a miracle.

The question of my life : Do wishes and dreams ever come true???

ALl these years, i have no tbeen one to celebrate my birthday. I think it stopped somewhere round the time of primary 5... Think my cousins' families and all just deecided that it was too tedious to actually meet up.

Mostly, tis year, the nation was not really all that kind to me and i only knew that i'd be free today about 2 and a half weeks ago. By that time, chalets and all that crap were already booked up. In truth, i could have just skipped my birthday... just like every year but my parents were quite enthusiastic so i thought to just pull it off. I decided on my gramps place because it was rather big plus it was where i remember celebrating my birthday.

To you guys who came, I will remember you all for physically turning up. Love you all. Thanks for making the effort and i really appreciate that. Many years from now, i will look back and smile when i think of you'll. But, dun expect me to celebrate again k. Hee.... I'm not the kind to.

It hasn been long and yet again... sigh... truely these are the signs of the end days. I've been rather bothered of late and things just seem so fragile. They are. Every minute of life is so damn precious. I'm so happy that the lord has been with me all this time. Though i may seem a rather bad example, i hope that in time (couple of days) when i really am going to kick the habit, be an example to others that they may to come to know him.

Too abstract? well, my minds a tinge messed up right now. Forgive me

I've been wondering. What steps am i going to take from here? Work? Education? I believe education is the step but do i have the means to do it? I hope that the Lord will open up ways for cheryl also. My minds bogged out and i have no idea how the road will go. Sigh. I wish that there were people that could just lend the money first and all. I really wish.

Been so busy since entering fast boat. It used to be very slack but i guess that the lord does not want me to slacken in any way. I guess its to build determination. That for the future will surely be important. Must try to find ways to earn money. Even though it may just be a little bit so that i can supplement our future. Well. Its all in his hands

So much has been going on these couple of weeks.... since commissioning, i have been playing to the max but i was rudely shocked when my uncle had a major stroke. I thank the lord truely that his life is no longer in danger and he has returned home but i prayer that the physio will work fast and hopefully he maybe able to regain the full use of his recongnition and understanding. I pray for my auntie too even though she is a strong person that the lord will give her the strength to hold up the family as well as the 4 kids that the lord will give them peace and understanding even though they may be too young yet to understand.

At least i was able to take a break from the stress and was at sentosa for 3 days... that was wonderful.. just to be able to take time off from everything and try not to remember your worries. But all good things end and i was posted to 185... Yes, that was my first choice and i am happy.

First, i took a rather negetive view on the situation. OC is a pain rather. Well, thats what lifes about i guess. Rising to the challenges. So i've decided to soar above this challenge and take it in my stride.. of course it also seems easier with Cheryl and my parents giving me their moral support..

As for now, i've just set my mind to clearing the duty watches that OC will access. To take a duty once every 3 days is just crazy.. no joke. After i clear that, will be the 4 months wait + training before i get my COC and then life will get a little easier. Sigh... goals ...

Aaron is back. I cannot see why he cannot be supportive as a friend. I understnd that he has his problems and he needs support and i will try to as much as i can but i have my worries too and those burdens cant be shared with anyone...xept god that is... Dude, i'm sorry but taking one duty in three days is crazy enough. Sadly enough, i do take my work rather seriously so that has to come first. I cant just go out at night and heck it at workin the morning. There are consequences for such things and i will not take it. I will pass my duty things and i will find time to go out with you guys.. I would like to believe that sampan and vicky understand my situation and try to explain it to you. But you never know rite.

Gtg. work has to be done.

I've just got back from the hospital. My uncle had a stroke. I beg that anyone whom reads this cover him in prayer. So far it has not got worse but its only till early next week before we can actually be sure that he is safe. The stroke was on the left side of the brain, that is the side which affects the communication ,movement, vision, touch, thinking, behavior, understanding and most of all recognition. The neuro guy said is quite bad but there is still hope that he can recover fully. Its so bad till he totally cannot move the right side of his body and cant even look towards the right. The doctor says its best to let him rest.. the next 12 hours will be the most critical followed by the next few days. The brain usually sweels after something like that and that will cause serious implications. Thats all i will say. I'm rather afffected by it. My aunt too. She has been hit the hardest to please keep her in prayer too. By nature, she is a very strong person but she is not taking it too well. So yeah please please. PLEASE PRAY

I've realised that once i dun blog it straight away i ferget... !@#$... O well... yahooooo.. the hols... begin.......... first task is to clear the room...... i feel like giving up already...

test for cheryl 

again 

we'll.. i know that there are many which want to get the photos from me ( esp all the lions... get a camera...haha)

All you have to do is send me all of the photos you have and den click here and off you'll go... what i have is all there

your welcome...

well, my site is back up again.. thank goodness... i had so much to blog but it nv did work and i lost all of it.. but here are some of my pics from the parade... yes i have commissioned... wahoo,.... will type more tmr.. no time need to sleep tmr have to be back in OCS... but as 2LT ANDRE CHEAH.. grin

Check one check one check one... and the caps flew and hell broke loose!!!!

midshipmen NO MORE!!!!!!!

midshipmen NO MORE!!!!!!!

midshipmen NO MORE!!!!!!!

LTC Tan.. my one and only course officer

PARADE COMMANDER!

chris chuang was there too!

more of my baby and i

just a few of us

Tiger Division

Tan Zhi Wen and me

my buddy in mids

MISHIPMEN NO MORE!

My baby and i..... :)

i feel so tall next to stacey

Stephen and Anand

Vin was there too... my most loyal friend.. thanks man... it ment alot to me

my section commander from BMTC and of coz my significant other

family

den mom

Dad affixing rank

palarhan jalan...

We, members of the Singapore Armed Forces do solemly and sincerely pledged that we will always bear true faith and allegiance to the president and the Republic of Singapore. We will always support and defend the constitution. We will preserve and protect the honour and independence of our country. WITH OUR LIVES!

Parade begins

cant seem to post blogs

cant seem to post blogs

test

I look back here again and i realise that i have not blogged in like 2 weeks.. thats really long... It seems that just a while ago, i had another 265 days left in ocs and now there is only 21 more days... I'm glad that its coming to an end but when i think about it, have i put in my max effort? Could i have done any better? Could i in someway been more of a testament to God? Well... Another question goes unanswered... I wanna go back to church.. Its true that there is a void without his presense. Its been too long since i went back to church.. Hai..

Dear Lord, the loomy feeling of frustration engulfs on yet again. i pray that you'll be with me through the week as you have all this while. Though the end is so so near, I seem to get into little stupid troubles that i fear may cause complications... but i will not dwell on it... i leave that to you lord. I know you will handle it. The amt of work to be done, so much, also i fear the bombardment of the officers.. which i really hate.. but if its that you want me to learn, i pray that i'll go through it... i ahve to go now so i leave it all to you. Amen.

well, i began yesterday acutally. Found out that i am the n2... naval intelligence for the upcoming comex2 and there is going to be much work that has to be done.Means that my week ahead is going to be really !@#$.... den at night, my course officer calls to say that we all have to show our pilotage plans which we totally did not prepare for and so the night goes on even though i was supposed to have 7 hours of sleep for the endurance run today.... f.... so it goes into the night and in the morning, try to finish up... den the run comes and boy is it hot... life goes on though and i clock 43 mins for the 8 click run which is horrible... my knee hurts again... sigh... well,, look forward to book out after the test and when i get to the test, i get informed that we are to hand in our pilotage plans before liberty... rush like hell after helping buddy clean up the place for rounds and den leave.. it gets worse... so i go to carpark I and have a fag and some cadet... whom is the same rank as me makes a fuss bout it.... and asks for my wing... so i tell him and now i just hope that nothing happens next week... at least he wun report it or something... fuck

another week goes by and the time to commission goes by... thats good but the time to my assessment sortie is coming near... that sort of scares me.. its like a practical test where the instructors will see how good your skills as midshipmen of the watch and midshipmen navigational officer are.. Sometimes, rather lot of the time, i crumble under the pressure of the instructors. I just hate it.. o well. tests.. hai... life is so full of them. Lets just hope that this one will just ease by.

Just finished serving a confinement this week on the saturday because of failing to meet the standard for the rule of the road test... its something like super advance theory for the sea. Time is so precious... especially weekend time. Argh.. din have much time to spend with cheryl at all. Had to go to idp openhouse where i just zonked out. Too many things to do.. found it hard to concentrate and got very frustrated on looking at the universities.. ARGH...

Lord grant me the strength to go by, the strength to carry on with another week.

I wonder y i had to fail that test. now this week i have a confinement which i have to finish... sigh... that seriously sucks... hai.. am so bored and all... Beginning to run out of anime.... need more titles to dl.... sigh... please whoever has msg me so i can go and get it... also i have to go and get another harddisk which i have been longing to get for a really long time so that i can store all my anime... that be really cool.. yawn.. i wonder what i am going to do now..

cheryl

tiger div

lets see how many i can load up

after

before

test

test

andrebgchange

Had a talk about whether singapore has a lartial tradition. It was in Safti library with so many knowledgable pple. !@#$. I seriously cannot believe that my course officer send my batch there without any history or background knowledge. Though there was a portion on where it was so so damn hard to stay awake, the rest of it was really interesting. The talk was given by a Dr kevin somehting... not very good with names. It suggested links with the SVC. Singapore Volunteer Corps. If everyone knows, i cannot stand history at all. But this was weird. I was listening. Intently to the arguments... After that, COL CHIANG suggested that those 'heros' that singapore has not known could be becuase Singapore only came about after Malaya and during those times, we, as a society tend to adapt our heros to where they are applicable to us at the current point of time. This made me rather sad and made me wonder... i have never questioned the facts and the background of what i did learn in pri or sec school. I only assumed that it was correct. Could this be some kinda propergander? One cant be all that sure right? I will not attempt to cover in extent what the lecturer covered becuase, one, i am not able to, and two, the extent of details provided cannot be portrayed by me. I cant rem. Lastly, it laid evidence on somethings about how our singapore society works and how we could related to your grandparents or whomever was in tthe war. By personal choices that they made, In those times, everyone could have been a hero.!

--Just some food for thought--

How do i put this? I have no idea whether i am right or wrong. Its always good just to be yourself and be what you wanna be but on the other hand, are you supposed to adapt yourself and your character to the surrounding? I myself am not sure whether i am able to answer that question. I am one whom believes in speaking your mind and heart whenever you feel like it. At times it causes spite and aggrevation. Especially in the army but well, i'm a rebel against politics... i seriously cant fucking stand politics of any kind. But reality proves again that we all have to blend in dun we. Have i been sticking out as a sore thumb that much? I think that as time has gotten by, everyone should have gotten used to me... Maybe i just haven tried to just be 'one of them'. I also have to say that my attitude from my sec days has not fully dissipated just yet.. and maybe that another vice thats been stuck with me. But army changes people. We all learn, have i not grown in the army. I have. I have alot and i dearly embrace that. I wish that i could please everyone but i know thats not possible. O lord, what do you want me to do. I dun care whatsoever about what others say and i feel thats me but if you want me to open up and listen and maybe just change or something, i guess that i will change. That choice, i leave with you.

I just failed a test that i was studying really hard for this week and got a confinement. I really did study hard and it seriously pisses me off that i failed. but life goes on. The format that i studied for did not come out. Sigh. Mids wing had water sports day yesterday as well, and my division has never lost a water captains ball match till yesterday. I hate the feeling man. I missed like 5 shots. Damn the utter disappointing feeling. Hasn't really been my week. Think i fell sick on one of the days but continued to push on and the fever went away after cramming myself with vit c and a tinge of sleep. Thank god else i'd probably be screwed now.

Michael first k.. Aaron's probably will be rather long. I have to say that i myself am not sure when you will be flying off and all. I am not sure not because i dun care. Its just that maybe my situation awareness has not been that good as i have been trying to concentrate on other things. Dude, I just wanna wish you good luck for this trip. I know that you will excel. You've set your mind on being the best and trying your upmost hardest to excel in the navy and i respect that. To choose a path with such determination is not something many can do. When i first got to know you, I have to say that you were not really on my ok people list. But neither did i hate you. You must understand that i am not one whom respects one easily. Even up to now, there are few whom have really earned my respect. Not that they really care but yeah. Hope you get my message. As time went by, i learnt how you tick and saw the motivation within you. To have you go to Dartmouth is both good and bad. Good in the way that i noe that is the path which you have wanted, whether you regret taking it or not i dun think is the point. Its your goal, part of your vision and you are slowly and steadily chipping away at it. Good for you brother. 53rd Tiger will be at a loss without you as you have always been part of our structure. A pillar standing tall portraying our glory. The fittest guy in our division. I have to say its sad to have you go and not be able to commission together. I'm sure you have gained the respect from all of us through all this time. We will continue to stand tall. If you dun mind, i'd just like to pray for you. Lord, I just wanna place michael in your hands, that you may protect him as he goes forth to achieve his goal and take yet another step closer to his vision. Lord, may you guard his health, his mind and his determination. May he fit in well with the rest that will be there. And maybe too let him meet you and personally get to know you. Amen. So my friend, go forth, conquer and show the rest of the people there how we Singaporeans can stand out, never failing to update the rest of the division i hope. This is my webbie, i dun think that i will change it. Last thing. Please take care of aaron. thanks. Feel free to e-mail me too ya. Thanks.

Aaron. Aaron. What can i say? i dun even know whether you will bother to read this. There were so many things which we once shared that are so sad to see have just dissintigrated into oblivion. I cant explain what happened because truthfully i dunno. I would just like to explain myself and all that has been happening all this while so that you may understand. Hopefully. How did we ever drift apart? The Tango days of you, me, vic, sampan, zhiwei, nick, pius. I guess that those were the times har. The defining moments. I have to say that i have not been the best i could have been to be there for you in times of need. Also its coz i felt that i could not reach you. Could not quite figure you out. I did try though whether you believe it or not. Those times when you were in depression, you din wanna tell me the problems that you were facing. I understand that its a personal choice to but i wish that you did. I've always been a good listener. I started drifting after i kept being put down by you and sampan at the mids underway. I kinda felt that you thought of me as inferior and thats was it i think. I ain't sure. Well, i think that i should stop here. I still wear the watch you gave me when i'm in the cv world. Dun wear it to camp coz i'm afraid that it may get damaged or scratched and stuff. Do i just wear it for wearing sake, fashion purposes, etc? I thought it might be better to let you know in case you think otherwise. I wear it because to me, it has really deep sentimental value. Of friendship, of hope, of encouragement, the times we used to share and the little things that guys and most people tend to look through. Yes i am a very sentimental person. I will always rem you. Wish that we could have all commissioned together like we once said. But then again, are we supposed to not respect others personal choices in treading the part that they have decided on? Its still a whirl within my head. But if you ahve to go, step up and shine because you have it in you. Hope that you have not thrown away the zippo that i gave you. Its meaningful to me and kinda like the first christmas pressie i have ever bought for anyone excluding my ex-girlfriends. I decided to stay away from vic and the rest after we really drifted coz i felt that they were the only support that you had and i did not want to interfere since it was like i was always getting in your way and seemed to always piss you off. But over all this time, i've seen you smile and i wonder whether it is real and true deep within. I hope so. I hope that your problems that were there for you once have gone. Take care my friend. Tread carefully and stay strong. If ever you are down and out, just close your eyes, take a deep breath and move on. I dun like to see you get depressed. Know that always and have always been praying for you. For your safety, your happiness and other stuff. If i had the chance to go back in time, I wish our friendship could have remained strong.Please take good care of yourself. There is so much i wish i could say but i cant seem to gather all my thoughts all at once. Maybe coz i'm just so tired. Dunno if Michael will really take good care of you of not coz he cant be looking out for you all the while. If possible please remain in contact always. You know my e-mail, hp no and all. My add is Blk 48a Dorset Road #24-117 S(211048) if you ever wanna write instead. Lemme know how i can contact you k. To end, i'd just like to say again what i've said once before. Rem it k. At least i hope that you will.

We Care,
We Share,
We Laugh,
We Cry,
The threads of love with which to tie,
A knot of friendship,
Till we die.

*to all those whom think that i'm gay, GO SCREW YOURSELF. I am not and neither is aaron. If you fail to understand, its your loss coz you are to shallow to comprehend the god given gift of friendship.

--out--

Lord, there is so much that i wanna thank you for. Your eternal comfort, your everlasting presense, you transcending serenity, the joy you give me through my friends and of course my gf. Through all this time especially since i enlisted, i especially feel that you have placed me under your soverign wings protecting me each step of the way. I cant explain why i do not go to church though. Could it be that i have just made it a habit, could it be i am just lazy? i apologise prefusely for that. I close my eyes and pray that i will once again go soon. Not just to please you but as an offering to you. Lord, i pray just for that little more. Just that little more determination not only in the things which i wanna go but also to serve you, a living sacrifice and an example of a christian. So as i end this pray, I thank you again for the strength you have given me. In your precious and holy name. Amen.

another week goes by and what do you know.....my p plate is finally off... no more hassle of putting it up everytime i have to drive... irritating... well... still admit that iam not yet a very good driver but i'm ok.. not great but ok,... hardly have time to drive anyway... yawn... damn it lar.. my gf still sleeping... yawn... :(........ i miss her.

o yes... above is the number of days i have left to commission.... wwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

it seems like it was only yesterday that i just enlisted into the army. Time seriously flies. Its almost going to be a year since then and soon before i know it, i'll commission... hopefully nothing goes wrong to stop that from happening. I'm sure God will protect me. There has been so much that has happened over this period of time and so little time to type out everything. I wish i just had video recording memory and just disply it for you to see...

Well, its nice to meet the some of my friends. It was cool catchig up though i was not able to keep up with the infantry talk and all... Haha... dun we all have our stories to share. In that group we have me in the navy, weiliang in the air force, nigel in the infantry and derek and wenyao in artillery. nothing much today.. just happy to meet up with cheryl and enjoyed the time we spent together. Got sick though... had fever half way which by the way was horrible... I wonder whats wrong with me... hmm... Maybe my immunity is falling.. must watch out... Sigh... The week ahead will be cool. finally getting my third bar in OCS... Stupid 2 bars.. haha... and MSAO so i guess that it'll be something new considering i will have more responsibility though not much i must add. grr... Naruto 129 here i come.

goodness,.. how long has it been since i've blogged... damn.. wish i had the time to every single day. within a blink of an eye MSTD has flown by. With the lord covering me, i was spared much during that uphill journey. So many atimes i prayed in desperation and his hand was there. No doubt that MSTD has once again reminded me of god's grace and mercy and how much he loves me.

Am so happy to be back. Finally. Though i have to say that i somewhat miss it. I wouldn't mind having the ship lifestyle just not being able to contact anyone and all that is just too hard.. Right not Cheryl? haha... well, spent the whole of today watching anime... slept like crazy too. Cant sleep anymore.. i'll go mad... think that the navy no sleep thing is really beginning to infuse itself into me.

My thoughts are so jumbled up at the moment. Not coz there is so much on my mind but rather that there is nothing on it. Strange lar... seems its been so long since i've felt this liberated that i cant even remember the last time i just able to relax and think of nothing.

Supposed to pack my room coz its in a seriously tragic state but i hate doing it.. no more space... shit... o well.. i shall not procrastinate too much else it'll never get done.

I wonder how my frisbee teammates are. I haven played for so long it seems like forever. Stephen has gone into army.... so many things.. he got a new gf too and have yet to catch up with him. Nigel, weiliang, wenyao, derek prob all just busy with OCS, i will have to go back on tues so i'll be caught up with that once i recommence the last 2 weeks of STT... cant wait for ANT. Cant wait to commission. I shall for the group to meet up next week.. hopefully.

ok.... hands to room packing stations... stand fast no one.

I"M back in SINGAPore... YEAH.....................

I was supposed to leave for my MSTD today. But, suddenly, i was told that its being postponed. The Navy sometimes really gets on my nerves when they have all these sudden changes that just pop up here and there but i guess thats the life... Argh... i'm rather happy that i did not have to sail so fast due to certain issues but yeah i'm still going to have to sail. When? Should be this coming week. Why? The reason is confidential. That was what was told to me by my commanders. Hai... Everything is going to change.. The schedule, etc.. i hope the ports dun change. But i dun think that i'll be going on my adventure training trip anymore. Hai... Well.. Will be unloading and loading on another vessel of the same class tmr.. hai.. am going to be to to tired..

I happened to help my batch in helping those whom did not finish their indebtedness form. After making sure that everyone had finished it, i found out that my dy navy(LTC) wanted to issue confinement to those whom had done it late.. this included me of course. I am not saying that i'm wrong just that there where so many things involved. Our schedule, which was to packed and we were almost outstation everyday, chinese new year, when everything else was closed and lastly, the bigggest problem of them all, their server side problems. Anyway, so i proceeded on to take up the task to try to explain to dy navy(LTC) that it was not my batches fault and everything.... to cut the !@#$ing story short, i have to write a statement on why everything was submitted late and he will consider the punishment.. i heard that it might be in Korea so if thats the case, i'm really going to have to suck it up. What seems worse is that non of those !@#$ers involved seem to care that i am even bothering to take all this shit upon my shoulders and sheltering them from it all. I was not made in charge of this. I simply thought to help out. I'm the only person taking care of this matter with another guy and the rest dun fuck care really. The world ain't fair at all is it?

I'd like to say a few words to those whom really dun care and have jokingly or whatever,good friends, friends, non-friends, acquaintences or just basically every mother fucker who asked me to just take the punishment for everyone or whatever bullshit really... Guys i got a coupla words for you... FUCK YOU... YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK... WHEN I SEE THE OPPOTUNITY TO BRING YOU DOWN... I WILL NOT HESISTATE..

Dear God, although there is doubt in me, i'd like to thank you for placing the hurdles in life which i had to learn how to cross by nyself. You have been there always. I've never really taken much time to thank you coz once in a while, it still hurts and the searing pain reappears from the void which i've been trying to close up for so long. But i dun regret it. At least i do not blame you one but anymore. well, maybe its just human nature to want to have someone. You've retaught me the meaning of friendship though and i see relationships now with a totally new light. My hopes and dreams i'll leave to you. You know what i want so dearly but if its not time yet den just supply the needs ya? There has been so much that i've seen you've done for me. From the way i see things, you have taught me much of what i never would have learnt. Not many will say that you've been there all the time but i think that i can. I say this knowing in faith that when i go for mstd, not being able to rely on anyone at all that you'll be there. I sucks that i am not able to hear your voice though. I wish i could. It'd be so cool. Well, i cant type much anymore. I have to go and pack my stuff. I dread going back to camp and currently at this time am feeling rather down. Dunno what to say le. Amen

BNT = Basic Naval Term
MSTD = midshipman sea training developement
ANT = Advance Naval Term

I'm going to be sailing soon..... its 15 more days... or rather 14..... not sure how in the world i am going to cope with the lack of sleep of just the 2 hours + a day if i;m lucky but i know that God will provide a way so i am not so worried.. but still a lill.... eekks... There is going to be so much to learn and i do not know if i can cope under the circumstances... just hope the term goes by fast and i get out of it fine.... in truth, i hope to have an appt position in the ANT government but that, i'll leave to the officers. am not all hard up about it..

I;m more worried that i'll drift away from someone. She's been there for me ever since i crashed from jess. Just hope things will remain... o well.... i'm gonna rest a lill... have to go out again!

First day out. Damn tired. Can feel the queesiness beginning to go away. After lunch was the worst. Ate a little bit too much den the ship was rolling and stuff. A couple of people have already gotten sea sick. One or teo have already hurled. Its only ten at night now but my long night has just begun. There is so much to do and so little time. Am writing this during communication lesson as my mind is already switched off. Tonights the only night that i am going to be able to sleep 5 hours. Haven smoked and intend to stop from here on but only time will tell right? Only time will tell. I haven had the time to infrom so many of my sailing off.... Wish i did so i'll just try my best to type everything here and hope you read it yourself k. Sorry.

Had my first flashX (moss code) lesson/test today BTW, its the testing of reading the mos code by flashing lights on the screen. HAven done particularly wellbut hope to improve to achieve the extra 20 minutes sleep everyday. Its like an incentive for passing and if you fail... haha.. good luck... less sleep and all. There will be 4 tests this leg though its only 8 days I'm so going to die. Seriously. We'll be up till at least 3 each morning and @ 530 we wake up . Trying my best to conserve the energy. Wont have much time after i get back. My back is killing me. My neck. My shoulders, losing percious info absorbed during the day at a tragic rate.

At the beginning of BNT, I thought that there was a chance that I might never be able to seriously adapt to the navy but I guess that as time has gone by, I was proved wrong. It has over the past 2 months become part of me. I dare to say there is quite a bit of navy in my blood now.

The countless nights spent trying to cram in the books although with an already tired out body have become a little bit easier and I am very pleased with that. A bit of the reason why I wanted to come to the navy so much was to be able to keep my mind constantly working so that when I get my chance to study again I’ll be able to really study and not slack off. This is going really really well. Though not being able to score really high grades, I’ve found new insights about the way I study.

For daily midshipmen life with the rest of my batch, everything seems to be going well. One thing that I do regret though is that fact that I feel that I have let myself down quite a bit because I’ve not been performing up to my personal standard sad to say. On my performance in BNT, I’d rate myself with only 70%. Sometimes also, I feel that my batch is rather biased. Like for example Gabriel Fong makes a mistake when he is the MOD, he gets screwed by the whole batch but when someone else makes mistakes, everyone else is just like oh we will learn from his mistake. At times, I catch myself doing the same thing. This rather pisses me off but I guess, that’s the way life is.

On the whole, BNT has been an eye opener as well as a good experience. There is much theory and memory work to be done but as time goes by my mind will be cultivated and adapted to the memorizing and hopefully, the short term memory will become long term. Also it has helped me to be more confident, as a person and in the way that I do things. Modules have proven to be intertwined. Everything with everything before a proper answer can be produced. BNT tests the mind to motivate itself and the body to move along with it. The schedules have been rather mixed up at times but I understand that most of this is due to having certain limitations in the system.

MSTD from what I hear, will be the hardest term in midshipmen training and I’m looking forward to it. When theory and practical combine, that’s where true understanding and comprehension is born. Lack of sleep has been a relative problem so hopefully, I’ll be in tip top condition to go through it as there will be very little time for rest. For BNT, I complained a lot and probably seemed a little complacent and lowly motivated to my batch. That’s my personal way of distressing but not many know that and I do not blame them. So for MSTD I wish to take on a new portrayal of myself. I want to understand as much as I can. Learn to the maximum of what I can and keep on trying. From what I see, once MSTD begins, everything is going to fly by and the next thing I know, I’ll be in ANT. I want to make this a positive experience that I will remember for a long time to come. I want to take everything positively even though I hear that much of it is just like a screwing session for the midshipmen. Overall, I want to enjoy every single bit of MSTD and yes that includes the equator crossing as well, though I am not looking forward to eating weird things because knowing my stomach, I will hurl.

have been getting so many complaints that the damn comment dnu work so here... tag away...

i've come to realize certain things over the past couple a months. Things about myself and my perception and expectations of myself. I guess that maybe i am not as open minded in many was as i wanna be. I place hope in others and not myself to prove most of the theories i have. I feel bad but sometimes its better just left there unsaid.. I am rather lost myself. My direction just blends in with the navy. No choice. its the only way i make it through. I dun have another choice. I cant wait for the time where i can be a civilian again. Such freedom. To taste that once again. But most of all, i guess that what hurts the most is that most of my friends hardly even message me anymore. The price to pay while serving the nation.

-going to book in already- i think i'll go pray.

Deep down in my heart, i guess that the feeling has not really gone away. I feeling of disappointment, i feeling of pain. This void i just cannot understand. O lord, what have you been trying to teach me through all of this. I wanna know. I pray but sometimes i think that i am so far away from you that you just cant here me. Through certain things though, mercy you have shown. I am thankful for that. Your protection forms the boundaries where i walk. But its only after i thread onto unknown ground and learn the hard way do i see that you have blocked off some of the dangers to me. Lord i wanna move in your way because there is no fighting it. But i cant see it. I wanna have faith to just walk but my eyes, my mind, my heart, my ears, my touch do not seem to want to follow. Teach me lord. Show me now that i may gain such understanding. That i may walk the path chosen for me. All this while its been long and seriously taxing and i am running out of strength again. I need you to be with me. I cannot move forward any longer.

This entire week has been hell for me. Everyday, stressed out, i really felt like crying but den again, i did not really have anyone to just cry out too. I called out to God but i still hear no reply. He has been gracious though. He has protected me enough. Thats y i am here. wont dwell more on camp stuff. Need a break from that. To be free.

Went for kenneth's birthday party thing today. Most of my clique in sec school were there. just 5 of us though, koba is still in australia. i miss that bastard really. Maybe he was the only one that was really like me. Kenneths really lucky man... It took the group 4 years to finally meet up face to face. In a way, though it was just something small, i did feel a lill jealous. Friendship above all man. haha... maybe it was something unrealistic to believe in.