From today onwards, i'll mostly only be able to blog on saturdays and sundays. Basic Militry Training has begun and its no walk in park so to speak. Once again i find the mental stress piling on.

Its been altogether more den a year since my only dream i held disappeared. Till now, the scars remain. Embedded deep within. I cannot express what this feeling brings. I sit here in front of the computer wondering what in the world i am doing in life which will improve and help my future. On my cupboard in camp, there is a quote. From where i cannot tell. Most probably from a dreamer. It says :
"cherish your todays,
dream your tomorrows,
but live today."
Strangely, on the cupboards of others, each bears different significance on the owners life.

Have been through lotsa strange things in camp, friendships etc, that have made me wonder again. Live today right? So far, i have been focusing on the live today portion which i thought to be the root of it all. But i guess live today means nothing by itself without the rest of the phrase. My frisbee team has moved on without me. I cant be there even if i want to. The friendships are wearing down over time. Sad but true. Nothing lasts in this world. Not even diamonds. But relationships?

Was out with tim, matt, dillon, and gene (my self declared bud), my platoon mates for supper which was actually dinner and a flick, i-robot. Btw, its a seriously good show so i think that everyone should watch it. It seems to me that in their lives there is also this void. Just how people fill it remains different to each individuals personal needs and wants. For me, i have failed in finding what fills it. Maybe because at this point it still can only be jess.  just maybe.

Till now, losta my good friends whom i trust already know bout it and have adviced me. I myself noe so much of everything in theory. Unfortunately, till now, the applications fail to relieve the pain. Most of this time which has passed has only seemed to prolong it. 

Army brings about a change in most people correct? how true. How will it change me. From what i have seen in camp, there are those whom have gone through relationship problems and they are fighting hard to mend the holes which absense causes. Much of their pain i understand but men being men, i guess, the easiest way is to leave them be and let them handle it by themselves. It be really nice to have someone there supporting you and missing you and all but somethings, i guess i might not enjoy for a while.

i have to sleep now else my body clock is seriously going to fuck up.... will cont when i wake.

i'm not sure how things are going to be when i return to army. In truth, i have kinda lost a lill of the discipline already. Fitnesswise most probably so as well.  From what i hear, BMT is much more 'siong' den the ptp phase. Well, something i just have to go through den.
 
Anand, Paul and i were out yesterday due to extreme boredom. And i mean extreme boredom. We all had nothing to do. So just went out to chill. I seriously wonder how those whom are not doing anything after graduating, pass their time. Are they not fucking bored. I would think that they are... Will be seeing paul later at the bus interchange...
 
Its pouring now as i am typing this. Well. i hope that its raining in tekong too. Den i wun have to march back. But on the other hand, my uniform might get a lill wet so maybe its not such a good idea after all.
 
Good thing is that its wed today and i should be able to book out on saturday. I'll be looking forward to it. I mean seriously. Who wouldn...
 
-have run short of time-

Today marks the day that i am finished with the COPA America tournament. What does that mean? Lemme explain to you. I am officially broke. Yes broke. There are no last chances or even the lill bit to try to regain a small percentage of that grand total. It is not the most i have ever lost in a tournament/league. The final game loss for EURO2004 din help.
 
I remember a couple a years back when i played the largest amount on a single match and lost terribly. That was hell. If i am not wrong, i never did spend on anything after that. Now, i am faced once again with a predicament. I ask myself why do i do this. Why do i keep going for it. Is it the $$? Whether you believe it or not, no. Do NOT misunderstand that i have an abundence in stash or that i do not understand the meaning of money. Stupidly, the under-lying truth remains concrete. I needed something to look forward to. Something where i can wake up and not make me think that i have nothing else to do. Its a horrible feeling to lose. I haven lost much compared to some but still, there is nothing left in the bank. Which gets me wondering... How in the monkey nuts am i supposed to survive from here on. What will my parents say when they see the "emptiness". Luckily it is still 2 digits (not including the decimal point) and has a zero which will allow me to hang on by the skin of my teeth before i return to hell.
 
Hell actually is rather an ok place actually. Some few nice individuals. Reasonable sergeants whom i respect. (i am serious). The though of battering my body till it can no longer exert itself does not feel ideal. Strangely, its going to be my hiding place for the next few months. Unfortunately, they have already paid forward fer next month which means i am kinda screwed. Still, i shall wait patiently for the few that owe me $$ and have not returned yet. Once i have run dry, i do not think that i will show much mercy in the way i collect it back. Sigh.
 
awaiting:
-inuyasha 158-
-naruto 92-
-full metal alchemist 38-
-DN angel full series-
-gunslinger girl full series-
-gungrave full series- 
 
 
--keluarbaris (thank you Saiful for correcting my atrocious malay spelling)--

sigh... another day passes without me doing much.. have done a rough outline on how i want my webbie to be but i dun think that it'll be up anytime in the near future.... anyway, that took up almost half of my day... planning it all and stuff. so much more to do... hai
 
Met howie in the eve to go watch  baybeats... seriously, there are alot of good bands out there. Wanted so much to get some cds but as you know, the $$ kinda a prob u see... grrr... wish i nv did have a cash flow problem... For those whom dunno, bay beats is held at esplanade. just many bands performing. Solid shit. You might wanna try going..
 
Its 3 more days to back to tekong resort. yes i mean "resort" you bloody idiot. Just heard from peter that someone died in camp. Orion company. School 2. Lucky i am in school 1. Sigh poor fella. God rest his soul.
 
My platoon mates have caused trob in camp. The smokers from what i heard went to fag illegally and later a sergeant went to talk to them and thats how they were caught. PS was pissed shit angry after that coz its not the first time they have been caught.. i dun understand how they were that unlucky to be caught in the first place. So...... PS put 5 of them on Sat guard duty and were banned from smoking till after the guard duty. Den someone went to call  the sergeants personal hp and beg him not to be like that. Now, PS is fucking furious and i blame him not. Everyone was called down for a lecture. While in that trance process, they met PC. Btw, my PC and PS are not on gd terms let alone any terms. PS later found out and called OC and now they have their guard duty again. Thats how the story goes...(cant believe i even typed it out)
 
So when i go back, things will not be the same having PS not having ne trust in us at all and PC probably in deep deep shit. I dunno lar... have to go back and wait to see how things go... what a troublesome thing.
 
Am awaiting:
-inuyasha 158-
-naruto 91-
-full metal alchemist 38-
-DN angel full series-
-gunslinger girl full series-
-gungrave full series-
 
--kaluabaris(dismissed.. turn to your right, march left right left stamp foot. HAWKCOY)--

Well, today i have lost seriously alot. lost 4 matches in a day. I have nothing to say. Its going to take me a few months before i can save back that some of money again. i dunno how to explain y i gamble.

Hmmm.... lemme try. As lame as it sounds, it gives me something to look forward to. Each day i wake, i dread it. Sometimes i think that its probably better to just stay in camp and have everything planned out for you and have it all routine. Tmr, i have nothing to look forward to except a movie or something. I wish i did have something to look forward to. Y is my perception like that, i would like to know as well. WHere has the happy go lucky Andre gone? Or was it there was really no such person. A persona is not ruled out.

I have no fucking idea what i am here for. My life is valueless. There is no purpose. No meaning. There was once but i guess that in God's eyes that was questionable to his plan for me. I look back at those times and i feel like crying really. If only time could be turned back. Maybe just you are not ment to derive meaning from someone or something else. One must find his own meaning. I am so tired of searching. In fact at this current moment, i just dun wanna care ne more. But time does not permit me to just trance through it. Every moment drags itself on and searing pain tears me down yet again. I just wanna rest. Even if just for a while. To be able to lie down and relax and not worry about the future. Some of you all may say "cast all your cares on him". i agree. All the FUCKING THEORY is in my head. Its fucking in there but not connected to e heart. Thats what my pastor said. i dunno how to do it. I have asked for help countless times but i dunno what to do.

I dun feel like trying ne more. 5 more days to back in camp. just 5 more but at the same time only 5 more. SIgh. To want to go backor not, the decision does not lie with me.

At least my self declared buddy from my section is coming out tmr. Maybe i can go meet him and all. Sigh.

Not so long ago, i relied on my frisbee team to hold me from falling so deep into this but nothing is reliable is it? Lord i wanna hold oyu so bad but i dunno y i cant bring myself to. A part of me still hates you for taking Jessica. She was the only thing i treasured and the only thing i believed in in this world. Yet the other part does not hate you at all.

Over this period of time, i have learnt much. Sad to say much of the side people normally dun wanna experience. Does this make me stronger? The abstact thoughts are running freely once again.

A song echoes:

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Lord, you know all i wanna say. I cant express it all here. I guess that only you understand. Amen.

seriously... not a gd day... lost both matches... shit. nothing more to type... those that owe me $$ had better return soon... am losing my patience. sigh. only thing to look forward to today is probably meeting cheryl to catch up.. hmm... well..

i have just lost fucking alot of $$.. damn man.... i seriously wonder what i am going to do.. hai... some have asked why the fuck i am betting. in truth, i really dunno. kicked that habit for quite a long while le. sigh. its raining again now. its a seriously fucking bad start to my day. i cant write ne more. there is another match coming up

Can one not look back and remember? All those memories still seem so fresh. I stare out of my living room window at this point of time and i wonder where it has all gone. Where has it all gone? The countless smiles and laughs shared with so many. I look around and when i see through some facades, it hurts. Why must i see things which pain me. Why are we here on this trial. THis training? What is it we must all go through? Certainly there is no formula. Each one of us goes through different struggles and trials. Each one with their own limit. If only i could see past the pain, into the future. Lord, what do you have planned.

Watched Spiderman2 with Vin and Willie yesterday. Having friends like them helps me to believe that friendship is not sometimes all shallow. There are those whom will always remain in your life. The show was lame but to get back to what i have to say, there was a quote they used many times. "With great power comes great responsibility." In the end spiderman gets the girl rite... Its not a walk in the park here in reality though. FUCKED UP PHRASE.. haha

just read ade's blog and i realised that she thinks everything i am writing here is all directed at her. well babe, it is not k. i just need some time to myself.. Maybe its a mid life crisis thingy and all.. well.. cant ever be too sure can we?

Walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
the a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong
If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope God I figure out
What's wrong
I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way
Then a phone call made me realise i'm wrong
If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope God I figure out
What's wrong

redone

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something u said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

So much for my happy ending

Jessica Li Zhenyi

yes.. where was i? the feeling of booking out is way cool. but there are things that hold me back... like my buddies in camp and all. I have so many people to catch up with and so much to do. I still have to maintain the fitness level and stuff.

My ultimate frisbee team. Sigh. I dun even know if i can play ne more. Lets see how this turns out.

So much seems to have changed since i enlisted. My patience level has increased tremendously. My perception as well. But still that emptiness remains. I dunno how to fill that void. ANd i am stuck yet again. So much to learn. I am so tired.

Lord O Lord, grant me that strength to carry on. The endurance. Thank you for making army seem a relative breeze. Thank you for my platoon sergeant. My platoon commander. My section commander. There is so much that you have blessed me with. Lord guide me through all you want me to learn. Teach me and follow me every step of the way. My whole life, you have been there for me and yet i am weak. I am weary. But i know that in you all things are possible. Your will i want to follow. Always and forever more. Where my life leads me from here. Where i am to study. Even that special person whom you have chosen for me when the time is right. I leave this to you. Knowing you are the one and almighty God. Amen.

i am out of army for 12 days...... i have officially disrupted from my ptp..... power lar... am one of 7 from my platoon, 1 out of 30 from my company... lucky lucky me... i'll express the joy later..

ANGLO-CHINESE-SCHOOL (BARKER ROAD) was the place that made me me. Believe it or not. Much of which was also from my parents but its not time to reveal all. Yesterday, i went back to barker for a gathering. A gathering of the 7 years. 7 years meaning the first 7 batches which have graduated from there. I miss that place dearly and so many things have changed. The new campus is just awesome. Seriously awesome. If you dun think so just visit the actual school or www.acsbr.net. The dinner was worth every cent. I got hold of a few friends whom just disappeared after secondary school.

I look upon the school as more than a few chapters in my life. Many wonder how the ACS spirit never dies. I cant explain this to you. All i can say is that i am the first generation ACS boy and there is not a tinge of doubt in my head that my son will be a second generation ACS boy.

My principal still remembers many of us. He was surprised that i had short hair. haha. Such memories flood back. Most of my batch have been in the army for more than a year. Mostly officers and sergeants. I have a long way to go since i have taken the poly route. A route of many obsticles in life.

Much values have been cultivated in me though some seem so lost. sigh. I am amazed with such long term goals. Such foresight. All walked with God.

I have so much to do that i can no longer continue. So i'll just end with a few quotes.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
give me a light that i may tread safely into the unknown.
And he replied, Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hands of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than any unknown way!
So i went forth and finding the hand of God,
trod gladly into the night.
And He led towards the hills and the breaking of the the day in the lone east."

"So heart be still
what need our little life
our human like to know if God hath comprehension?
in all the dizzy strife
of things both high and low
God hideth His intention
God knows His will is best
The stretch of years
which wind ahead, so dim
to our imperfect vision
are clear to God.
our fears are premature
in Him all time hath full provision"

"then rest until
God moves to lift the veil
from our impatient eyes
when as the sweeter features
of life's stern face we ahil
fair beyond all surmise
God's thought around His creatures
our mind shall fill"

i hope that everyone still reads my stuff...

-out-