Its a nostalgic feeling to have a song just express what I totally feel. Well, maybe its been too long.

I just want to write you a letter. 

I have to be very honest with you right now. 

I don't really know how to say this.

I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past what I see right now, I see right now
I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don't know how, no one showed me how
Wish I could see that this mess I'm in will really work out for my good, you said it would
So, if you can hear me, can you give me a sign cause I don't feel you like I should, please if you could
My faith is almost gone, I can't hold on much longer, take this cup from me

But if you choose not to, Please

Help me Believe
Can I believe
Let Me believe
I wanna believe
I'm no good on my own, please give me another chance
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

I want you to know
I wanna believe
If I never hear I'm sorry I can let it go, gotta let you go
Cause, it's killing me. Jesus you know how it feels cause you've been hurt before, don't wanna hurt no more
I'm trying to hear you speak, but my heart is growing weaker, take this cup from me

(But if you choose not to father, Please)
Help me Believe
Can I Believe
Let me Believe
I wanna Believe

(I feel stuck Lord)

I've been here before and can't take that hurt again
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Believe
Believe

I wanna believe when I close my eyes on this side I'll wake up with you, more in love with you
And, and finally, you will say my race it is over and my work is through, cause I believed in you
I know dark nights will come and some days there'll be no sunshine and you're too far to see

I begin the year continue to believe that the jobs elude me for a purpose. My burden feels heavy, my heart not at ease. My sighs are deep and my mind at war. I look around and see peers just trying for a short time and getting it easy. I cannot comprehend. Pride seems to overwhelm for a slight moment and I ask myself whether I am truly more skilled then them. Could this just be a lesson on taming pride? How is it that in the midst of all these I manage to find a lesson in such? To be honest I feel so tormented and there are times when I just wanna give up. My hopes and dreams for what I envisioned in 2009 just do not seem like they will materialise.

I am reminded not to despise small beginnings for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin (Zech 4:10). Lord I ask for more of your strength. I find it so hard. I am not even sure if I can take it. O but God, if this is your will, I will walk it and I will continue to try to rejoice in it. I cling to your promises of a future and a hope. I remember my prayers on enlarging my capacity, stretching me for more of your purpose and I feel like an engine undergoing an oil change. Just that I have yet to be topped off with new oil. My reservoirs are again running dry but it seems that always at the last moment You bring yet another word of perseverance. I feel both overjoyed yet frustrated. Is it even possible to feel both of these at once?

O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,Behold, I will set your stones in antimony,And your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, And your gates of crystal, And your entire wall of precious stones. All your sons will be taught of the LORD; And the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; And from terror, for it will not come near you.

To your promises I cling, refusing to give into the depression of reality which so enticingly calls. I stand firm believing in my provider, my rock of my foundation. No matter what storm may come, no matter how the wind roars and the sea bellows, I will not be shaken. I stand firm. But from the depths of my heart I call out, Lord hear my cry. I ask for provision but most of all God, your presence be with me. Let not my circumstances be able to dictate my emotions.