At the beginning of BNT, I thought that there was a chance that I might never be able to seriously adapt to the navy but I guess that as time has gone by, I was proved wrong. It has over the past 2 months become part of me. I dare to say there is quite a bit of navy in my blood now.

The countless nights spent trying to cram in the books although with an already tired out body have become a little bit easier and I am very pleased with that. A bit of the reason why I wanted to come to the navy so much was to be able to keep my mind constantly working so that when I get my chance to study again I’ll be able to really study and not slack off. This is going really really well. Though not being able to score really high grades, I’ve found new insights about the way I study.

For daily midshipmen life with the rest of my batch, everything seems to be going well. One thing that I do regret though is that fact that I feel that I have let myself down quite a bit because I’ve not been performing up to my personal standard sad to say. On my performance in BNT, I’d rate myself with only 70%. Sometimes also, I feel that my batch is rather biased. Like for example Gabriel Fong makes a mistake when he is the MOD, he gets screwed by the whole batch but when someone else makes mistakes, everyone else is just like oh we will learn from his mistake. At times, I catch myself doing the same thing. This rather pisses me off but I guess, that’s the way life is.

On the whole, BNT has been an eye opener as well as a good experience. There is much theory and memory work to be done but as time goes by my mind will be cultivated and adapted to the memorizing and hopefully, the short term memory will become long term. Also it has helped me to be more confident, as a person and in the way that I do things. Modules have proven to be intertwined. Everything with everything before a proper answer can be produced. BNT tests the mind to motivate itself and the body to move along with it. The schedules have been rather mixed up at times but I understand that most of this is due to having certain limitations in the system.

MSTD from what I hear, will be the hardest term in midshipmen training and I’m looking forward to it. When theory and practical combine, that’s where true understanding and comprehension is born. Lack of sleep has been a relative problem so hopefully, I’ll be in tip top condition to go through it as there will be very little time for rest. For BNT, I complained a lot and probably seemed a little complacent and lowly motivated to my batch. That’s my personal way of distressing but not many know that and I do not blame them. So for MSTD I wish to take on a new portrayal of myself. I want to understand as much as I can. Learn to the maximum of what I can and keep on trying. From what I see, once MSTD begins, everything is going to fly by and the next thing I know, I’ll be in ANT. I want to make this a positive experience that I will remember for a long time to come. I want to take everything positively even though I hear that much of it is just like a screwing session for the midshipmen. Overall, I want to enjoy every single bit of MSTD and yes that includes the equator crossing as well, though I am not looking forward to eating weird things because knowing my stomach, I will hurl.

have been getting so many complaints that the damn comment dnu work so here... tag away...

i've come to realize certain things over the past couple a months. Things about myself and my perception and expectations of myself. I guess that maybe i am not as open minded in many was as i wanna be. I place hope in others and not myself to prove most of the theories i have. I feel bad but sometimes its better just left there unsaid.. I am rather lost myself. My direction just blends in with the navy. No choice. its the only way i make it through. I dun have another choice. I cant wait for the time where i can be a civilian again. Such freedom. To taste that once again. But most of all, i guess that what hurts the most is that most of my friends hardly even message me anymore. The price to pay while serving the nation.

-going to book in already- i think i'll go pray.

Deep down in my heart, i guess that the feeling has not really gone away. I feeling of disappointment, i feeling of pain. This void i just cannot understand. O lord, what have you been trying to teach me through all of this. I wanna know. I pray but sometimes i think that i am so far away from you that you just cant here me. Through certain things though, mercy you have shown. I am thankful for that. Your protection forms the boundaries where i walk. But its only after i thread onto unknown ground and learn the hard way do i see that you have blocked off some of the dangers to me. Lord i wanna move in your way because there is no fighting it. But i cant see it. I wanna have faith to just walk but my eyes, my mind, my heart, my ears, my touch do not seem to want to follow. Teach me lord. Show me now that i may gain such understanding. That i may walk the path chosen for me. All this while its been long and seriously taxing and i am running out of strength again. I need you to be with me. I cannot move forward any longer.

This entire week has been hell for me. Everyday, stressed out, i really felt like crying but den again, i did not really have anyone to just cry out too. I called out to God but i still hear no reply. He has been gracious though. He has protected me enough. Thats y i am here. wont dwell more on camp stuff. Need a break from that. To be free.

Went for kenneth's birthday party thing today. Most of my clique in sec school were there. just 5 of us though, koba is still in australia. i miss that bastard really. Maybe he was the only one that was really like me. Kenneths really lucky man... It took the group 4 years to finally meet up face to face. In a way, though it was just something small, i did feel a lill jealous. Friendship above all man. haha... maybe it was something unrealistic to believe in.