i haven been blogging for the past few days..... busy.... yawn... sleep deprived.. haha but i guess its all worth it.

Have decided to come to school every damn day... fine i am forced to. Wayne aka Satan himself(my !@#%@#%*&!&#$!^ supervisor) said it in an indirect way. How i am supposed to do work in this lousy comp junkyard i dunno. I swear the school spends all the money on buying Coi....

Y in the world am i bitching. O gosh

Tired yawn

-blanks into oblivion-

Its out in the papers today. Today's "today" newspaper and the straits times home section 3rd page. Just read it.

It just happened like that. Shocking. Just makes you remember how frail life is. Seriously, the next thing i know, something might happen. Touch Wood. But seriously? Is life not fragile. So so brittle.

I am reminded of the people around me. The pple that i love. The saddest thing could be that we never did get to say things like "i love you dad" and "i love you mum" or nething to the pple that mean so much to us. Sad to say life is like that. Sometimes we dun get second chances. Treasure those times. Treasure the pple you love. Treasure the pple you meet everyday. At times i just wanna cry coz i feel so lonely. But its nice to know that pple have been there for me. God has provided support in the trials in my life. Many might feel that i am getting more than over emotional just because of this. Thats not true though. Its been about 3 weeks that i have taken on that mentality. This happening just boosts the grave importance of this.

On Sunday night, when i was on the way home, i decided to call my pastor. Although in a way she said some comforting things, there were the facts that i believe in that cant be denied. Many are really sceptical about religion. I believe in God and i am a christian. My pastor happened to say a harsh fact. I wanted to pray for Ying Jie and his family and i asked how to coz i have not done this before. Thing is no matter what you pray, if the person has not accepted Christ into their lives, there is only one outcome.

On hearing those words, i just wanted to cry. What if he never knew about God and no one ever told him. What have i been doing in my life to influence my friends. I dun care if pple laugh at me nemore about my religion. He has carried me through the problems, through the pain. I know for certain it is him. No doubt.

I hope that someway, He will show his work in me. The people that are placed in your life are for a purpose. I dun think that there is such a thing as fate and this and that. Only God knows all. Even if you are not a christian you will also feel something along this same line. You dun wanna die without having impacted someones life in a way.

What we do in life, echoes through eternity.

--end--

Does ones future and past flash by ones eyes in the occurence of death? Questions that can never really be answered. Sigh. There are so many things that are just so uncertain.

School is a bore as usual.... yes you bastards i did go to school today. is it so surprising? really? knn... The meeting with WAYNE as the usual. I say something, he cuts you off half way and repeats the things that he wants to say at least 3 times. yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada... i heard static for a long long while. Hope that my ears are still intact. Stupid !@#%!#$^. I would really like to spray his car. "Sir you can .net my ass". Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. ok. HHHHUUUUMMMM.. k.. all better now. haha

After lunch, a friend and i went to bishan to catch a show and decided to just sit down and chat. Strangely,we always seem to end up talking a lill on life during these conversations. Yes life. hmmmm...What does your future hold? Thats the question that i post to you today. A life expired before our eyes yesterday. Cant help but be a lill affected.

--Patience level up by 0.5%--

Before the clock strikes 12, i have decide to really keep a blog going. Lotsa things over the past couple of months have influenced this decision. Maybe i'll talk more about it in the future. i really dunno.

Well. Today has been a tragic day. Seriously. While playing Ultimate Frisbee vs SMU, one of the SMU team members collasped and later on passed away. This really shook me up really very badly. I cant say that i am super affected by it but it has really placed a seed of doubt and worry about how short life can be. Not many of us can actually say that we have treasured every moment of the time we have left here on earth. I for one am going to try to from this moment on.

Life will take a turn someday. For better or for worse, i hope for the best.

I wrote this on a piece of paper while waiting for Nigel and Gen at Suntec to go to the IT fair. Its only now that i have the time to actually type it out.

Read at your own risk. Am an abstract thinker so......

here goes..

The day begins with a dream. Or is it a nightmare? I cannot distinguish. One thing i do know for sure is God has spoken to me through it. It seems that whats never ment to be will never be. Sad truth? Hard truth? Truth. Period. Seems that no matter how hard i try, things just will not go away. Have been trying to face it and run away at the same time. Contradictory? Very. But.... i believe that the time has come where i can no longer run away. Face it i must, though how to, i cannot tell. Affirmation? Most probably. Can't Deny.

It talks of being still with God. Something that seems to have depleted over the past few months. Thats the purpose i have been at for so long yet i know down deep inside that the process is not over. There is a long long way to go. Situations occur for a reason and i have been focusing much on the things that dun make a difference anymore. Why? When? How?I cant fucking comprehend the bloody thing. I think too much.

Has my heart not hardened? I think that it has. I know that it has. but is it supposed to be this way? I stand here before you with no answers. Psychologically battles rage within. Of a future of what might or might not have been. Over the past few days, some songs have re-surfaced in my head a new purpose. How new? Not very. Just those that i have not dared to face. Even writing this all these thoughts down seems so foreign yet embedded so deep in my heart. I no longer know who i am anymore.

The process which had begun has not reached the end yet. am assured though that "He who has begun a new work within me will be faithful to complete it". Some how a strange peace falls upin me when i write this. Maybe its been too long since i have actually dared to say it out. Have been in ths turmoil for so long due to the hard-headedness is uppose. Today has been a day of revelation in a way. I can no longer run. No longer hide. It has to be faced.

Guess that the last few doubts i have about this i'll place here. While listening to my PDA before it knocked out (due to not sync-ing for so long.. damn it), i was dewelling on a song by Our Lady Peace entitled 4am. The words "and if i dun make it know that i loved you all along" echoed repeatedly.. Words bring out so much meaning and everything. If only i was an artist. The saying goes "a picture is worth a thousand words" rite? Maybe i would not have to spend so much time writing this and lose all the precious musing thoughts.

Hmmmm/.... writing does seem to sooth me down a little so i guess that i will be writing much more in the times to come. Maybe? Nah. definitely.

So much has happened so quickily within the past half a year. Events have come and gone and oppotunities passed by yet i have taken hold of many only to release that thats no longer what i want in life. Only one stands its ground and foundation over all this time.

Lord i wanna love you with all my heart, soul and mind. Only you will never change. If my purpose here on earth is to do your will and you will is for me is to go through all of this and learn, understand, mourn etc, it will be done. Please be patient with me though. Due to the riots within i am taken longer den expected. For a long time now, i've wondered whether i am was a martyr to begin with. If only i knew. If only.

The world is so fucked up now. The end days are probably here. Probably. I wonder if i'll ever be able to glorify your name and spread the gospel. I am unclear. But i will try. Thought the outcomei still can't tell. I can no longer stand upon my own 2 feet. I am weak. So many more hurdles to overomce. How is it possible? Only with you can i cross these.

I fail to understnad how the plagues of pple can go about life without you.

Can their void be filled?

Guess we'll see in time.


--------Nigel and Gen arrive------------

Train of thoughts broken

-end-

in rememberence.

am just finding out how all of this works so that i can just create my own and stuff. sigh. if only one can stay in the past. Or rather i believe forget the past. But the past makes us who we are. Tomorrow a brand new day? i dun think so.

Lord. Lord. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that i am living here for your purpose. The world is screwed. But you have chosen me to live here and live here i will. Hopefully too i will be able to live according to your will. Currently i'm rather a let down. I go on my knees and apologize for being such a lousy disciple. But be with me i pray as i try once again to not be of this world yet in the world.

Amen.

Finally i am getting started on something.