Dreams come. Dreams go.

Today has been a seriously nice day. But its the ending i fear. For you to get a greater understanding of fear, here it is. Its a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger or a feeling of disquiet or apprehension or a reason for dread or apprehension. I hope things will just remain the way things are. I really hope.

Someone msged me just now. She was someone that was hurt as well. Actually, i dun even know her. Hope that she'll no rebound. Truthfully, it helps you get over things but it may be on a road to suicide. I dunno. Gd luck gerl. Gd luck.

-waiting-

You guys have to go and watch 50 first dates. Hilarious shit man. Worth every penny. No joke. Ok... lemme think of what to blog. Today has been a relatively good day. I am finally a licensed driver. Finally. It means the world to me. I really thank God for everything. I've been waiting for a damn long time. In those times, so much has changed, now that i think about it. Want to drive so bad but i think that my dad is not free tom. He's got a checkup. O well. I really hope to gain my parents trust on this soon as i really wanna enjoy myself before things i am forced into 32 months of hell.

-cant think-
-over and out-

I have gotten my license.... am damn happy. Rather.. now the only problem seems to be i have no car to drive. Its going to take a while before my dad is going to allow me to drive. O well. I wont complain. I have nothing more to say at the moment. I'll just be content.

- :) -

hmmm.. i wonder whether the pple reading my site blame me for saying the things i say or what ever. Again i emphasise that raw thoughts will be raw. As blunt as they are, i'll place them here with no regrets but at the same time, no intention of harming or stabbing neone.

Ade, i'm terribly sorry. I din mean it that way. It came out wrong again. Had no intention of making you feel bad.

Am still injured from sunday. My heel is killing me. Its got a searing pain everytime i place pressure on it already. I must go get my ankle guard. Yeah. Am too stressed out to continue typing so please forgive me. The next few days might be a little short too.

There are too many running processes. Am not eating properly. Its like 1 meal per day now. Insomnia. Cant sleep. Max bout 5 hours.

-out-

Fuck man. i just heard from wenyao he cant help me... am so so fucked... seriously i dunno what to do. I am feeling horrible. I cant take it. i wanna crash. Am fucking stressed out. Ade's not helping either.... grrr... I need a fag. $%*.

-$%-

Cant remember whether i have missed a day of blogging or not. Thats how fast the last couple of days have been. I wake up tattered, battered and torn. Its due to yesterdays game. I've gotta make my way to school soon and i've got nothing to present for my weekly thingy. Sigh. O well. O yes. i have finally msged wenyao regarding helping me out on my project and he said ok. Thanks lots. Without you my redang would be gone.

Think that i talked to catherine a couple of days back.. actually, 2 days back. It was great catching up. Its been such a long while and reminiscing was fun. haha. Ade was in the conversation too. Funny. oh !"£$ its raining now. how am i supposed to get to school. damn it. Have to ask dad again i guess.

I kinda injured both my ankles in the game yesterday. But the left one seems ok now. I'm actually quite pissed with myself. I haven performed well in the game. The rest are on just a higher level. There is no comparison. I must buck up. Must buck up. Like most practices and pick ups, i dun take seriously and just throw run blar blar just totally having fun. Fun is not the problem but i have to bring myself to another level. I must. The game will always remain fun to me. I cant say it was not a good game but i could have excelled more in certain areas. From now on it will be done.

On going back, ade and me decided to take a walk. Its been a long while since we've spent time together alone so it was nice. Just we were just so hot, tired, sticky, etc from the pickup. O well. Nontheless, i still enjoyed it.

Things are taking its toll on me. I am getting a much more serious perspective on many things in life. I guess its good too.

-to school i go-
-to face a monster-
-sigh-

Things take weird turns all the time. Started my day with hellsing. If you dun know, i am anime crazy. i mean hardcore crazy over anime. Hellsing is gd.. its about vampires and stuff... all have to watch this before going to watch the show van hellsing because its a modification of the anime..

Highlight of my day was meeting with peng. Its been a damn long while bud. Gd feeling to meet up with old friends. Till now, i think its counting 4-5 years already if i'm not wrong. Way cool. He really got me encouraged. Its been a while since someone has told me to i have something inside of me. Something inside of me with great potential and whether i choose to believe that i have it or not, he sees it in me. Truthfully, i hate it when people say this statement. I dun see shit. I dunno if i wanna try anymore. But its still encouraged me to be strong. I have to build a firm foundation before i enter army. Lord, as i have promised before, i will never stray from you again. I will try. Its so hard. Each day brings new trials, new pain. So much more i cant seem to handle. But you have promised to be there for me and i shall try to draw thy strength. Let me not forget you in my daily walk. Withhold me from stumbling. Amen.

Met ade for a bit but dun really get to spend much time with her.. non the less, :)

-Its been a relatively ok day-
-Thank You-

The way i feel now i cannot describe. If its been a fucked up day for you, dun worry. Its been screwed for me too. Have been thinking for a while now, over the past few hours, of thing which have come and gone. I have to make a decision for things i will have to do in the future. Because life is like that. For everything you choose there are implications. There are consequences. The hardest part of it all to me that is, is having to live with stuff where i have no say in.

Today started late. Was only out of the house at about 4. Had driving. Am damn serious about it now coz there is no time left and i dun wanna play around nemore. I have wasted too much of my life. Everyday i wish i could have taken a step back. Driving went gd today. For the mock test only got 10 pts. Ok lar. Felt that i did drive ok today. At the end of the lesson, i was playing afool and damn fast in the s course and crank course... mounted curb after passing the s course... haha.. this goes to show it cant be done at really fast speeds. It was just for fun.. cant do that with my dads car you see.

At pickup, i screwed up by making ade think a lill bit too much. said somethings and never thought that she would take things seriously and think so much.. Not that its going to matter now. Guess who has ressurectted. Thats why i have time to blog now. haha. Hope she will take care of herself and not fall ill coz she is on the verge of it already.

O yes. A long while ago, i felt a strange feeling while with some friends friends but i put it aside and never thought about it. Now, some information has stirred it up an di cant help but wonder y. Why does the world have to be like this? why? A long time ago, i used to judge a person by their cover but since i was lyk what.. erm.. 17? i stopped and have learnt things are different. Thou shall not judge. Have i expected everyone to have matured? I believe that i have at least. Over the many years, over the situations with have come about. Over so many things. My view on this is still a lill lyk this... maybe its besides that pt but serious... i dun give a FUCK about what pple think of me coz i dun really care..... in contradiction to this, to those whom i really care about, i care more than you can imagine. ARGH. fuck it.

Koba has been really busy with his studies so and i have no one to confide so am feeling rather stressed out. What is it that i should be learning about my current life and lifestyle?

The core group of Disc Knights which is my ultimate frisbee club that me and my bud Stephen formed and since then has grown, we are gelled together by things which have a lill bit of a moral fucked-up-ness. There really should be a word like this in the dictionary. I'd vote it in. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether i have screw up my morals already. I'm not really like that but its weird how it just comes out when we are hanging out.

In some ways, i am like a chameleon. I conform to different colours in different surroundings. Is that gd or bad.. Hmm.. Things are the way they are for a reason rite? I dunno.

I would like to continue blogging but currently this has to end abruptly due to the constraints of me being too damn fucked up rite now.

-My sincere apologies-

-Gonna grab a drink- must sleep well today

-phone rings-

-strange how things work out-

New morning once again and failed to blog last night was well as get a good nights rest as usual. I keep trying not to drink myself to rest well. But am just so done in by the things going on around me. well, its still cool though. I'm still able to put a smile on my face. Ade is going to have her test within the next half an hour and i hope she can pass it. I never saw someone so heck care before. I have no comments on that. A cloud of rain gathers above me but i am so used to it that it no longer matters. When in search for the answer to take away my pain, i realised that there are many things which can solve this. Its just what i choose. If i select the wrong option, the pain and suffering will just be amplified. Going back to her is not an option. She died long ago remember.

-thats what i choose to-

OK. now time to let all the thoughts out... sigh. Wanted to get that done yesterday but unfortunately, i got stressed out and couldn do shit... Anand and i had a talk yesterday or was it the day before.... the day before on a couple a things... Mostly on how army is going to be affecting everyone.

Gerls usually say that army brings out the man in the guy. I really to a certain extent disagree. But i'll never know till i go in and get out. To me, army is the beginning of when we are going to start thinking of lotsa things. Basically, this is due to the fact that we cant do nothing else. If your superior says like the floor, you had better do it. Army probably makes pple think when they dun wanna. Sometimes, i really admire those who are able to be oblivious to their surroundings. They feel no pain, no worries. But at the same time, i doubt that they give a rats ass about their future so i can never be like that. But thats no wanna talk about to i shall stop the abstractness..... The question here is, what is army to me.

National service is a prison sentence all males have to endure from the point that their maternal mother chooses to bear them in the island of singapore. I wish my mom did not do that but i cant say that its a bad decision either. Have not told many this but before i was born, or was it when i was very young, my parents actually thought about migrating. To down under, Australia. If the first thing that came to your mind was HELL, go fuck yourself. They applied for the green card and all and they got it. YES they got it. But they decided to stay here. Damn rite? I'd be having my own car, an apartment and all. Well, these things are not decided by us and i dun blame my parents whatsoever. If they had been, i would have gotten to know so many pple and experience many things which has influenced who i am at this point of time. I could have turned out to be a druggie, a hippy, blar blar. Things could have gone terribly wrong over there and if could have been really great as well. But.. just but. Here i am in Singapore. Waiting patiently as the time draws near. I dread every moment of it. To the extent you can not even comprehend.

There are so many things which i have wanted to do before this. Get my license, a webbie, etc. all of which i have not yet achieved. Its really fucked up. I have been really fucked up. Last night, i got really stressed up and had to take a fag. I think you can read that in another post somewhere below. Yeah i blogged about it before i went. Thing is, after that when i was on my bed, i couldn get to sleep. Physically drained. But still, no rest felt as if it was going to dawn on me. I haven had a gd sleep in days. I think that tonight i'll have to drink again just to get the rest required for my to be able to last through another day. My project dateline is in a couple of weeks. I haven done shit. I really hope that Wenyao will be able to help me out on this. I really cannot do it. If not, i'm going to be staying back for another 3 months or so for failing my FYP. Thats going to be really serious. As much as i'd like to not enter army so quickily and i wanna try to enjoy myself before i go in, my future will be affected greatly.

I feel a burden to whisper a pray. Lord, from the beginning of you calling me back to you, i shunned you away. But den i came to realise that things are the way they are and i remember a word you gave to soemone clearly that i can no longer run from you. Life seems rather meaningless, this rat race. I went back to you but somewhere along the line, i have lost sight of you. I cannot say that it has not been my own doing because it has. Up to now, i still cannot understand y you brought turmoil in my life to crumble it all and rebuild me and thus have never questioned you. But lord, I'm beginning to wonder. Y? I wanna just travel on... i have to move but what am i missing which disallows me to do so? I will be trying my best to seek you with all that i have left. I will try. Its very hard. PLease remain patient with me. I'm so sorry. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open. I will. I will be seeking you once again. Please find me if i cant find you. Grant me your grace though i am unworthy. I go on my knees with a heavy heart in search for you. Show me the answer to take away this pain. I wanna stand on my own 2 feet again. But most of all Lord, your will be done. Whether its to break me once again or whatever it is, Your will be done. I pray now with a heavy heart. Please hear me and grant me the peace of mind. All these i pray. Knowing that you are my king. In your precious name. Amen

life is too frail. Last night on the way to dinner, weiliang was driving and we say an ambulance rushing to a motorcyclist who had been knock down or something. It was bad. What was the outcome of that i dunno. Life is just so frail to me. If i die today, will there be neone who will cry? WIll there be pple who remember me? What have i done in this life to influence others. When i go for judgement and have to answer to him, will He say well done my good and faithful servant? At this time, I might just drop to hell.

My heart begins to lighten. But the stress and thoughts of the datelines approaching do not leave me. I feel like lying down. But i'm in school. I actually got the timing which i am supposed to see my teacher today wrong. Damn. The stress begins. The pressure builds. I believe without You i will crumble. Lord remain close to me and cover me with your blood.

What do i wanna do in life? What step am i going to take when that chooses my future? will i regret it? will i not? Will i be happy? or will my life turn to rot? So many answers i've yet to find and never have i had such little time. hmmm..

Please pray for me pple. I'm getting scared.

I need a rest to calm myself down.

-lays head on table-

Just finished talking to wenyao. Shit man. The codes are chim. Sigh. Wonder how i am going to get through this project. Am very stressed out now and i feel lyk crying. Its fucking 2+ am. Am too stressed about everything rite now. Just need a gd rest for the moment. I owe you a big one man. Seriously. Hope i din piss you off. Sigh. Another thing is the phrase if it's a small world,y dun i get 2 c u keeps bugging me. O well. Strange ya? My world is.

-going for a fag-
-need to loosen up else i'll never get to sleep-

going for a fag now. hope i dun get caught!

Am so damn tired. Sent ade home yesterday and reached back about 1 i think. Training has been real cool. The spring league is beginning next week. Cant wait for it yet i feel a lill strange bout it. I'm lyk the !£$^!$£&^!£%&*!%£&^$$"£!^£%&"$%&"$%$ weakest link in the team. I have to buck up. Damn. Have to get boots too. Couldn run for nuts in those trainers on the grass field. So much to do.. Sigh

We had the first assignment for the team (we're called big and bigger). We all have to come out with nicl names... They've already gotten on for me though.. haha... BIG HAIR... does it surprise me.. Duh... no... haha.. ironic isn't it. Its all going to be off by 11th june. Heard from the rest that the they heard pple calling me firehead... haha.. not bad... it fits my temperament as well.

yawn.

NS has started to bug me again. I've wanted to do so much before i went in but so far, nothing has been achieve.. seriously .... its damn depressing... this year i'll be turning 20 and what do i have to show for it? Zilch. I hate this world. Grrr.. Wish that i had something to fall back on. Still, lifes lyk that rite? It ain't no walk in the park.

Question: but in life, is the ball in your court?

Stupid stupid enlistment has been screwing with my head. Damn. But i guess it'll be an experience. One no singaporean man forgets.

Am i looking at too depressing a perspective on life? Maybe. Dun wanna hope. Hope. What is hope. Technically, hope means CLick here to find out. Anyway, this is one of my most used webbies. Its damn gd.. Bet everyone uses it too.

Am looking out of the window typing this so please dun blame me if there are typos. i hardly check the screen.... I dun feel like typing le. Scenery from my balcony is too damn gd. Its been a long time since i have stared blankly into it in the day.

-stares-

cant sleep. sigh. i have to try again. Too many running processes in my head

-must try again-

if only..

-must try-

My grand dads birthday was yesterday and everyone gathered for dinner. Steamboat. I was lyk super late and some pple had already left. Am so tired. I wonder what life is about. Lord, to put me here? what were you thinking man. The despair is so immense i cannot handle it. I am on the verge of collapsing once again. It'd be cool if there was someone there to support me when i get lyk that but when i am about to crash, i'll crash anyway.

Jess. Jess. Jess. What the fuck went wrong? Y must you still hinder me. I wanna move. Let me. Y does my head not allow it? I've been staring out of the window for a while. Its been a long time. Feels like the tears are dying to flow out for no apparent reason but its being held back as well. Wonder whats happening.

In my lifetime, i only remember breaking down 3 times. Those were wow. crazy. What is causing this aura? Cant believe i asked ade to call me back later. Too fucked up at this point of time.

Anyway, back to the meeting, all of the aunties were lyk, wow, this is the first time i have seen you without dyed hair. Lyk fuck you all lar. This is why i seriously hate coming down for family stuff. Accept me for who i am dammit. Am sick and tired of the rubbish you put me through every year. If i wanted to study that hard, i'd be doing much better but there are things you will never understand about me so just fuck off and get off my back. Some aunties were nice though but we din get to talk much.

Later after eating, the kids went to play with sparklers. One vivid moment i remember was when Tiffany was holding 2 in her hands and swinging them around with not a care in the world. I want that. To not have a care whatsoever. To be able to enjoy the very moment. The smile was so real. Problem is she is only in Nursery2 (cant rem her age). Will life here catch up with her? I hope not. I hope she will always always have that smile on her face.

pure joy

it'd be cool

-i shall get back to ade-

Someone dropped me a mail. Here's how it went. I was actually going to blog lotsa other things but after reading this, i have only one question. The msg goes lyk this:

To want someone to know u inside, you have to let open yourself up.
Before others can do the knowing, you have to take the first step to open.
Its useless to ask one to open the door when you have forgotten you had lock it long ago.
Reading you like an open book, doesn't mean you are easy to understand.
It more of surface than what's really in you.
Its not easy to know someone. To put ourselves in their position and advise.
Its easy to talk, but when it happens on us, its never the same.
Guess you realized this long ago.
As we grow, friends come and go.... matter is..... you still have them in your heart.
Of course there are ones there's around who are left behind..... are being left behind.
Well that's the cruel side of life.
But i believe there are more beautiful things in life to cover.
Though you or even me dun find them yet.... seems more bad ones are ard...
But its our life, our choice, to search for them...
But we can jus remain as miserable n uncontented as what we are now.
Commitments, friendship, family...... God.....
You know them all..... but are we searching for the right things?
Are our priorties right....
it sound complicated
But once you learn how to take things at a time
Solve one at a time
Things jus go your way.
Dun be trapped....
Cos its never worthed it...
Its not important for others to know who are you...
Cos end of the day,
what's more important its you...
Do You Know Yourself....
its from the heart...
and its never easy...
Cos till now.... i dun know myself that well
Pathetic huh...
SO cheers.....
Dun fill ur life with anger and complaints and hatred....
Sound like a pastor or old auntie right...
But guess i learn it somehow...
Even how small a thing is,
If you appreciate,
It can be so beautiful n make a difference in your life.
Andre...... search.... dun give up.... if you give up on urself..... who can help?
End of it, we got to be responsible for our lives right? Before finding the Right one before God.
Take care.

I know all of this. Y do i fuvking know all of this? Why? Cant i just be some dumb shit and not understand and be so astounded. Thanks though. Really. I really appreciate your concern. It means a lot to me. Its really got me thinking...

Question of the day : Have i given up on myself?

-i dont know-

Cant believe i have woken in these wee hours of the morning.. its really weird. Though i slept late, i am up now. I pray that the insomnia is not back. For those who dun know what insomnia means, its a chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time and its a serious pain in the ass. Body still remains tired as hell but i think i'll get through it. Its been like that for a while already. almost half a year. Guess i've gotten used to it just that i've had a relatively gd ZZZ over the past few weeks. Hmmm...

Got back a lill too late yesterday and decided not to blog so here it is early in the morning. I've gotta go to school today and copy back my project. Can't just leave it in school anymore. Thank God for Wenyao. He's offerred to help. Without him, i'd be in serious serious shit. And i dun mean just normal shit. Its lyk the shit of the shit. FFFFHHHEEWW. Thanks in advance Wenyao.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time i have been to a Singapore Ultimate Draft Party. This is due to joining the Singapore Ultimate league. For those who do not know what Ultimate Frisbee is, I suggest you click Singapore Ultimate Webbie or visit MY TEAM WEBBIE. I'll promote the sport for a lill bit before moving on. Its a very gd sport. Super tiring and really easy to play so you might wanna join us or rather me, on Tuesdays and Thursdays @ 1800hrs @ NYP hockey pitch or Saturdays @ Sentosa (times usually vary so please feel free to drop me a line at 93807980).

Draft party draft party *back in thought flow* .... yeah. it was the first time i've been to one and the first time joining the league. The team i'm in is wow... strong. i seriously hope that i dun get scolded. i really dun wanna get screwed. Seems i have to train lots more to at least be of a certain standard. Only problem is most of the time i tend to CRUMBLE UNDER PRESSURE. fuck. Sigh. Well, i'll be trying meanwhile so hope for the best for me k. The league begins next week so if anyone wants to watch, its on Sunday at bishan park i think.. time also yet to be confirmed.. please just CALL me. O yes. Stephen is in my team too. Its going to be fun. Must remember to have FUN. Hopefully i can get so into the game when i'm playing that i dun have to think. Thats when i play the best.

OOOOOOOHHHH yeah. I have finally sent out the msgs to view my blog so most will begin to see this. Please feel free to read archives. haha.

I've gotta eat(INUYASHA for a lill while)now and rush to SKOOL den sentosa..


-out-

Had a wonderful dream last night. But the reality of this world is beginning to reveal itself. Conflict. Conflict. What the fuck is wrong. Last night, i just blogged about friendship and disc-knights. Go read it yourself. I am disappointed. Very.

Thank goodness that i had not blogged earlier in the day. Things are supposed to be ok now. Probably. Things should be ok. Sigh. Why does all of this happen so frequently? Frankly, i hope that nothing of this sort ever happens to me. I feels so tired. Both physically and mentally drained from all the shit going around me. I wish that i had a small lill realm to retreat to in times of everything. I wish i wish upon a star.... blar blar blar blar blar blar blar.

Thank goodness my day gets from bad to GREAT (pardon me coz somethings i just cant say). haha. Yeah. Neway, we had 2 new pple join us for ultimate frisbee today. Lifang, the gerl from the hat tournie on Sun, and Kirk, someone from seattle and has only been in Singapore for about 3 weeks(if i remember correctly). Its great that the club is still functioning and we are getting new pple joining us at a rate of lyk erm. 1 per 3 weeks? i guess. Its great. Still worried for new blood though. We are in desperate need for it.

I've gotta rest now. Cant remember everything i wanted to say, as always.

-yawnz-

Anger seems to have shown itself once again. This burning feeling inside. And once again, its due to many many factors with a little thing as a trigger. I feel bad. Strangely, i am embracing it. Its time i learn to take hold and control this. It like a demon splitting me up from inside just forcing its way out. Even when i say this, the anger was mild.... i dun wanna imagine what it'll be like when the full force explodes. It will be horrible. Lets not go there. Meanwhile i'll be thinking of how to bind this curse.

Stephen and i finally had a gd talk today. Its been a really long while since i have been able to catch up with him. Ever since we formed Disc-Knights, its been really testing our friendship to a certain extent. Upon saying this, i hope that we'll always remain gd friends. No matter what. Through thick and thin. Am reminded of the times that have gone by. Me, Steph, Marcus(ever since gf has not been hanging out with us) and Aaron(MIA after getting sacked from NYP). I miss those days. I miss them dearly.

My secondary school friends also come back into my head. Koba, i hope you are doing well. Seriously. Dude i miss you man.... no i am not gay.... So many have gone their different ways. Taken different paths. Each with with consequences. I am referring to our cliques relationship. I hope that WeiLiang, Anand, Nigel, Geneveive, WenYao, Kenneth.. etc.. the whole of disc-knights will all become really really gd friends to rely on and will never just vanish into thin air.

I've been having 4 songs echo in my head over the past few days. Here they are.


---------------------------------------------------
6 8 12 -- Brian McKnight
---------------------------------------------------
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you're awake,
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe in nothing like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away

Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings,
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you
Is everything okay?

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away

It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away

Sing it for me


---------------------------------------------------
I'll be ok -- Amanda Marshall
---------------------------------------------------
Its time to let ya go
it's time to say good-bye
there's no more excuses
no more tears to cry
there's been so many changes
i was so confused
all along you were the one
all the time i never knew

i want ya to be happy
you're my best friend
but its so hard to let ya go now
what could have been
I'll always have the memories
she'll always have you
fate has a way of changing
just when you don't want it to

throw away the chains
let love fly away
till love comes again
I'll be okay

life passes so quickly
ya gotta take the time
you'll miss what really matters
you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searchin
for what was always there
sometimes it will be too late
sometimes it wont be fair

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay

I wont give up
I wont give in
I can't recreate
What just might have been
I know that my heart
Will find love again
Now is the time to begin

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'll be okay

Can't hold on forever baby,
Can't hold on forever baby,
Can't hold on forever baby,
I'll be okay


---------------------------------------------------
Somthing about you -- Five for Fighting (swatch ad)
---------------------------------------------------
I don't know where to begin
I don't know how to get out there to see you
I don't know where to dig in.
I don't know how to get in there:to feel you

It's been to long and I'm about to be in time for me
It's been to long and I'm in time

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

I never thought I would win
I never thought much about that.
(It's been a long time coming)
I never stopped to begin
Thinking about the process.
(It's been a long time coming)

It's been to long and I'm about to be in time for me
It's been to long and I'm in time

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

I don't know where to begin
I don't know how to get out there to see you

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

It's been a long time coming
I'm going to hold on to that

And I'm going to be there:be there:alright

---------------------------------------------------
Something about you -- Corrinne May
---------------------------------------------------
Dont what you do to me but
Everytime I'm with you its a natural high
its like re-discovering Eden
with chocolate-coated rainbows and cotton candy skies
And everytime you look my way
I wish i had the guts to say


There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.


I think i'll hire Cupid
He'll make you see I'm more than your friend
You'll be tossing and turning
Counting the hours til you see me again
And when we meet you'll
Kiss my hand and say the words I've longed to hear


There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
I'm falling in love with you
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.

Yeah... songs which have echoed in my head.. the lyrics are gd.. its not too hard to guess who the last 2 songs make me think of... go figure.

-sinks into deep thought-

Bloody migration thingy.... Damn pissed off. The program refuses to install.. its damn irritating... How in the world am i suppose to convert asp codings to aspx like that...,. aAARARARARARARARGHGHGHGHGHGH... am immensely frustrated... damn man... Just needed to let it out a bit.

-flares-

just got back from training..... Tired... The turn out today was not so good.. About 11 of us only. Have no idea where the rest went. Hmmm. Yawn.... Have so much to do but so little time. I've Got about 3 weeks left to finish up my stuff and i am so lagging behind. Beginning to get stressed out. Beginning. I shall show my power of last minute work. Wahahahahahahahaha... k... Yes this is a boring entry.

I messaged jess today. Wishing her all the best for her examinations which are coming up soon. She just replied thanks and she is keeping me in her prayers as well and all the best for my projects. Wonder what made me msg her.. Probably the songs in my palm top... Maybe... its the mood thing... I wonder i wonder... but there is no point in wondering. Yet i do..

Have been praying with my dad over the past few days to cover me in prayer for my national service and its started to bug me again. A friend is coming back from Canada in july and i haven seen her for so long... Dun think that i'll be able to come out from camp... The timing is seriously wonderful

*yes i am being sarcastic*

o yes about the song in my head, i'll share it with you another time.. another time.

-messed up thoughts-
-mix-
-mix-

New morning again and i am wondering what i am up to.... Life is a chore really and i dun think thats how we are supposed to be viewing it. But really, its draggy. I'm reminded of a song... Lemme see if i can remember the lyrics. hmm... maybe i'll just add it later..... yawn.

-blink-

Hmm... first time that i have been in school for so long. Seriously..... since i started year 3 that is.. was there from 9-5 plus... really. i am not lying.. haha. wow.. so tired.. yeah i was trying to install the stupid visual studio .net.

Ade was there but i seriously hope i din bore her out when i was doing my stuff. Hope to be of help to her but i dunno whether i am helping her or affectting her. She mentioned just now that her friends asked her why she had to ask me and not them and somehow i agree to a certain extent. I dun really know what work she has to learn or what she has to do and all. I'm just trying my luck. Which is bad. I seriously hope that she'll be able to do ok.

I feel weird actually. Her friends might just hate me for being so open and all. I dunno. Things are a little weird though we have already drawn the line of boundary. Its strange isn't it. I'm worried alot but dun wanna talk about it.

Back to work... for my FYP, i have been doing the project with another guy... well.. actually i think that i am doing everything except the SQL server part. I was ok with it in the past but its becoming to seem lyk he is taking all the credit for all the work and i am getting screwed.. am starting to get very very pissed off. It began when i was doing the asp coding for him and i was not able to do my part due to lousy pc and software. Now that i have gotten my stuff, i seriously am wondering what i should do.. But one things for sure.. i dun think that i can take more aggrevation. really. I might just burst.

-cooling off-

Sunday. Of all Sunday's easter Sunday and i did not go to church. Sigh. Whats wrong with me? Have i derailed from the track i choice to travelled on? How long ago was it? when was it? Shiesh.

I am happy though.. haha. Won best male player.. i wonder y seriously.. but what makes at so much better is because the best female player was.... *dun ask so much (whether you already know or not)*.. haha... ok lar.. i was placed on a totally newbie team.. i was the best player on the team... i am not trying to brag but if you can see my predicament it was really hard to play. i was bursting all over the place.. it was really killer... seriously... i never really thought i had that much energy within me. Really nice. I've always wanted to win something but i guess i am just not that lucky. Maybe next time ya? but i guess that i cant complain ... since...

Shouldn have been out in the sun though. I am so so so sun-kissed. It hurts lyk hell. My back esp... Its wow. Tormenting. o well.. i guess that i asked for it.

-telefone call-

Met up with Geek today. Its been a long long while. He's attached so i guess thats new. Seems like a nice gerl. Hope for the best fer him. He has always been someone that just accepts every situation that comes his way while i have always been the opposite. Have i been trying to be too perfect? I Doubt it. It probably best to have a good mix of both sides of the story. Hmm...

-ponders ponders-

Upon careful consideration, i have decided on certain things that will be applicable from now onwards. This morning while inuyasha-ing (anime-ing) i was wondering whether i am an introvert or an extrovert. This is what i have come up with; with certain pple i react differently from another bunch of pple. Sad to say i have no one constant life. I life in many worlds. Many realms. I have tried to figure myself out but to no avail. I believe in certain things but most of the time, i disagree and oppose the wayss of this world.

Yes i am one FUCKED UP person. If you can understand me tell me and tell me. I've been to a shrink a couple of times and he couldn figure shit outta me. I stopped going in any case as it was too expensive. That was when i was in sec 2 though so i guess that things have progressed to a totally new level. haha.. I miss my secondary school friends. I miss the old clique of friends. But most of them have turned out all bastards who dun try to keep old friendships going. Sigh. I hope dearly that this doesn turn out with disc knights. Intuition tells me that most of us will treasure each other because we are going in to serve the nation le. Sad isn't it. Just because of this. It could be another way and all just treasure everyone because all are those sort of friends but thats being too realistic.

From this moment, whatever i feel will only be expressed here i guess and maybe to a few pple. I'm going back to the way i was coz its not worth it. Am sick and tired of trying to be read lyk an open book. Its time it goes back to being closed.

Only one person has known me for me. Unfortunately, she died a long time ago. To me that is

I beg you. Figure me out. Tell me. Let me see the light. Give me the knowledge.

My question to you is, Who is Andre?

-out-

NS begins soon.. i have to begin to blog regularly. i believe that this will be the only thing which i will be able to do while in ns to keep me connected to the world. I'm rather pissed at myself for not being able to stop smoking. i wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. About 4-5 months ago, i had such will and tried and tried but after failing a couple of times, the will of the spirit has surrenderred. If i want to not to be an addict, i have to start to stop now. Else. The consequences will be grave. I dun wanna be a smoker all my life. I dun wan my kids to get afffected and all. I'm scared but i cant make the step. At least i cant do it alone.

Lord if you can hear me, forgive me my sins and cover me with your blood. Lord thank you for granting me wisdom to discern the ways of this world. Please grant me the determination. Please. Amen

just finished talking to adelene and feel lots better actually. haha. strangely i am very happy with the outcome.. i know y but i am not going to say it here.. haha..

the day comes to a close the way i had not intended it to be. Fucked up day but there is nothing that can be more painful than what i have experienced in the past. I hate the way things are going but what can i do?. Things are the way they are and as long as its that way, there is nothing in this world that can change it. I hope i'll get a good nights rest. Have too many things on my mind.

-oblivion-

its been a while since i have gotten a good nights sleep with untroubled dreams and undisturbed rest. Last night has been no exception. There has been some questions bugging me for a while now. Can you ever out run your past? Can it be erased? Our pasts make us who we are. It has moulded us in a certain way. Without it, you would never be who you are.

Raw thoughts keep pouring out i think i have to stop this thinking process for a while..

--out--

Thoughts begin to flow fluidly through me once again. Its beginning to hit me back to reality. My enlistment letter has arrived. Its about time neway but i am some what appaulled by how little time i have left with so much i would have liked to do. The anguish within oozes more and more each passing minute. I knoe one thing for sure. Once i step in Ns, things are going to happen in my head.

For a long time, i have realized this fact but no matter what, the process will begin. It is only a matter of time. What thoughts? Thoughts of pain and suffering. Thoughts of abandonment. A long time has passed. A relatively long time. At least thats what i think. In those times, i have found solace in God, smoke, friends, ultimate frisbee, etc. It never seems to last long though.

A deep pain surges through my veins. A pain undeniable. I have so many questions yet unanswered and no idea of what the outcome may be.

Lord, its been a while since i've been close to you. I step forth with an open heart and mind, pouring out my all. I feel stupid. Just dun seem to be avle to do your will. U have sent so many to help me through the jess issue. No doubt. But has this process come to an end? At the back of my head i kinda guess the answer is no. I feel lyk crying so much at times and i run away from reality. I cannot take another experience of such and You know it. People have said that there is something special in me which will prevail in time. When is that time? When is the time Lord.

I keep falling and failing anf failing and falling. I am too tired to get up anymore. The will of my spirit has dissipated. Vanquished into oblivion. Without You here. i fear the worst. The void within revails itself once again. I believe that you have been bringing me through this for a reason, one i do not know. What is this void i am feeling?

A possibility is that i just wanna settle down with someone whom i can be with for life. Why do i want a life partner? I am still so young. My only answer to that is that its always good to have someone to stand by me through thick and thin. Through life. I told jess once before, if you will not stand with my through NS what makes you think that you can stand by me through life?

Could my past be the problem of all these causes? No matter what its too late now. Now i stand at a similar crossroad now. Sigh. What is hope? really? what is hope? i fail to find an appropriate answer within my programmed biological data base. Searched www.dictionary.com and came out with something

Idiom:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

its just a shallow comparison to what i am feeling. The longing to fill this void seems to increase with time. I dun wanna hope no more but the saying hope never dies. Hope this void will be filled in its own way soon else if time carries on and it does die, i might just get derranged.

=
59 days to depression
=

=
1416 hours
=

=
84960 minutes
=

=
5097600 seconds
=

left...........


Tick tock

tick tock

Am sitting down @ olio dome with Adelene. Have been so tired over the past few days. Maybe its the thinking process. Thinking seems to drain my energy and mood to a relatively low level. Over the past few days, i've been worried for a friend. A guy. No i am not gay... He's been with another friends cousin of late and i wonder how things are going along with gim. Hope that he is not serious coz if he is, he might just get hurt and from what he has been through before, i dun think that another blow to his mentality is going to help. Ever since the break up with Jess, i have rediscovered many things. The gift of friendship, the meeting up with friends especially female. HAHA. Just haven or rather felt it was not gd for her to get affected; coz they were just friends; while i was with her. Hmmm.. Am hoping lots that Ade doesn mind. Life has been good so far. No pain or suffering xcept the constant whining from the pain in the ass Wayne(supervisor). Guess i'll stop here for the moment.

--out--