Its a nostalgic feeling to have a song just express what I totally feel. Well, maybe its been too long.

I just want to write you a letter. 

I have to be very honest with you right now. 

I don't really know how to say this.

I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past what I see right now, I see right now
I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don't know how, no one showed me how
Wish I could see that this mess I'm in will really work out for my good, you said it would
So, if you can hear me, can you give me a sign cause I don't feel you like I should, please if you could
My faith is almost gone, I can't hold on much longer, take this cup from me

But if you choose not to, Please

Help me Believe
Can I believe
Let Me believe
I wanna believe
I'm no good on my own, please give me another chance
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

I want you to know
I wanna believe
If I never hear I'm sorry I can let it go, gotta let you go
Cause, it's killing me. Jesus you know how it feels cause you've been hurt before, don't wanna hurt no more
I'm trying to hear you speak, but my heart is growing weaker, take this cup from me

(But if you choose not to father, Please)
Help me Believe
Can I Believe
Let me Believe
I wanna Believe

(I feel stuck Lord)

I've been here before and can't take that hurt again
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Believe
Believe

I wanna believe when I close my eyes on this side I'll wake up with you, more in love with you
And, and finally, you will say my race it is over and my work is through, cause I believed in you
I know dark nights will come and some days there'll be no sunshine and you're too far to see

I begin the year continue to believe that the jobs elude me for a purpose. My burden feels heavy, my heart not at ease. My sighs are deep and my mind at war. I look around and see peers just trying for a short time and getting it easy. I cannot comprehend. Pride seems to overwhelm for a slight moment and I ask myself whether I am truly more skilled then them. Could this just be a lesson on taming pride? How is it that in the midst of all these I manage to find a lesson in such? To be honest I feel so tormented and there are times when I just wanna give up. My hopes and dreams for what I envisioned in 2009 just do not seem like they will materialise.

I am reminded not to despise small beginnings for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin (Zech 4:10). Lord I ask for more of your strength. I find it so hard. I am not even sure if I can take it. O but God, if this is your will, I will walk it and I will continue to try to rejoice in it. I cling to your promises of a future and a hope. I remember my prayers on enlarging my capacity, stretching me for more of your purpose and I feel like an engine undergoing an oil change. Just that I have yet to be topped off with new oil. My reservoirs are again running dry but it seems that always at the last moment You bring yet another word of perseverance. I feel both overjoyed yet frustrated. Is it even possible to feel both of these at once?

O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,Behold, I will set your stones in antimony,And your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, And your gates of crystal, And your entire wall of precious stones. All your sons will be taught of the LORD; And the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; And from terror, for it will not come near you.

To your promises I cling, refusing to give into the depression of reality which so enticingly calls. I stand firm believing in my provider, my rock of my foundation. No matter what storm may come, no matter how the wind roars and the sea bellows, I will not be shaken. I stand firm. But from the depths of my heart I call out, Lord hear my cry. I ask for provision but most of all God, your presence be with me. Let not my circumstances be able to dictate my emotions.

God is such an awesome God and a funny one as well. A few weeks ago, i received an email from someone in uni saying that i had been nominated for a PSP award. To be honest, i laughed coz i had not really been for all the classes can i really kinda met the bear minimum in order to complete those subjects. They are those with no credit. Anyway, i went for the ceremony today and i actually received a certification even though i din win. Dang!

Yet another day goes by and i just wanna receive and learn so much more. However, today's daily bread proved a little challenging. I could not really understand some parts of it and i suppose it will be revealed in due time. It kind of touched on the topic of never being shaken. "Who can separate us from christ". My answer to that is that nothing can separate me from his love. Neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor things present, nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth, nor other created thing. So right now, i am asking myself what might shaketh me?

Death? I will hurt but i think it will do nothing but drive me closer. Life? Hmm.. Going on a tangent a little, havent so any of us said "oh that is the life". What is that really. Gee. Is it just our inner most desires of things which we cannot obtain? Well, either way, i take the stand. I refuse to be shaken. I am on a firm foundation. Angel? They are cool. I look through all these and i find that i've been totally transformed. Its so liberating and so awesome really.

Extracted abstract it is.

Lord i just give you all the glory. I give you all the praise.

I've decided that just reflecting on past sermons and other stuff i have learnt is not good enough. Its like there is something missing and i am so hungry for more.

It was only after talking to cheryl that i realised that my daily bread has not been very daily. Sounds strange? Anyway I just realised that and decided to follow a book my mum got for me ages ago.

Once again, its amazing how his plan is, and i seriously do not know how to explain it but its just so awesome. Anyway, I opened up to the page of the day and it just so spoke.

I've always been a person who loves "operations". How things work and whether its efficient and all that stuff. You know, TQM, BPR, Lean.. all that stuff... but i've never really sat down to look at how the things God has created fulfill their purpose. Matthew 6:26-28 (NASB), which is a verse that keeps coming up in the recent months, says "Look at the birds in the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gathering into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you notworth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin."

Previously, what this ment to me just ment worry not, give it all to God, "Huck it to heaven" as Judah Smith says. But if you look closer, you look closer, there is something deeper. "Observe how the lilies of the field grow". How do they grow really? Firstly, i do not like plants but since it is written, i'll think about it. Bees and other bugs fertilise plants and they exchange pollen and get fertilised and the process goes on. If you need to know more, google it. I cant be stuffed. Anyway, the important part here is that the lilies are aiming at one thing alone. Arguably, plants cant move on their own, with the exception of the carnivorous plants. So what is it that plants focus on? Its the sun. Remembering the experiments of old, when you move plants, the grow towards where the sunlight comes from. For photosynthesis; you know, (just in case you are a 3 year old kid reading my blog, click here to find out more).

So whats the point right? Its this: we too, being created have to be focused in order to grow. Yes, each of us have our daily lives to run and get to. But we need to focus on the main thing that gives us live, strength. Its the only thing that feeds us spiritually. Without this focus on God and our relationship with God, you will spiritually shrivel. AND DIE.

If you are a non-christian reading my blog, and happen to read till here, lemme just say something. This generation, our generation is looking hard to find themselves. Sadly, as we look around we can see the rubbish people grab to fill the void they feel. Drugs, drinks, pain, sex. Whatever. And you know what, you may think its fun and all that. But i know one thing for sure. That is when you sit down at night, or whenever it is that you sleep, and you slightly ponder what lifes purpose is, you are void. You always wonder what if this happened, or if only i studied harder and worked harder and blar blar. Life ain't easy thats for sure. But the different for us christians is that we live a life of purpose. A purpose that cannot be shaken. A purpose that is real. Real to each and everyone of us. This purpose gives us what we need, spirtually and physically and mentally. Its the whole package. This purpose defines our meaning in life. It defines our very being. Its the sunlight to plants. (Just to clarify, i am in no way a plant. I am a meat eating dinosaur, hear me roar.) Anyway, this purpose is Jesus Christ.

"They do not toil nor spin". How much am i toiling and spinning. I worry about a place to stay starting July, I worry about PR and how long it will take, I worry about a multitude of things. And even when i surrender it all, i have to admit that its subconsciously still there. I subconsciously worry. And i so often fail to just be in his presence. Just to receive what i need.

So from today onwards, no toiling nor spinning. I declare from this day forth, the beginning of many exponential multiplications of double portions over my life. I will not toil, I will not spin. ( Btw, alot of this is directed to waking up during winter ). Lord, hear my cry, I need you to speak to me daily. And from this moment on, I will not miss even one day of this.

I am still left in utter amazement that my blog is still jammed. I wonder what settings are required. Damn stupid thing. I should have made sure everything was ok before i made the damn switch. Stupid thing. For rather stupid me.

Works been really piling up and i am getting worried. And sadly i have begun to see the ugly nature of many things. If we could change the world what would you change.

Dealing with group politics can be a real bitch. Even when you are on the winning side coz you have to take so much fucking effort to make sure the other does not manage to screw you over. Its been really hell trying to make sure everything goes smoothly.

Just before this, i actually had alot of inspiration to write. but i think i have lost that now so tt.

There are times like today when i wake up in the morning and i feel like crap. Its being alone at home again. With so much on my mind and so much on my heart. Having both a physical and mental burden just increases the stress exponentially. There is so much to be done and so little time.

Ironically i want this term to end swiftly. Sigh. I dun even have time to blog properly.

I ask myself whether i have been slacking or whether i have just overworked beyond what my determination can deal with. Its been a long time since i felt this way but it reached the point where i just did not wanna care on how to make my work better. Well, the grades have been average but thats not what i want. Man. Am i losing focus?

I've been fucked recently. There is so much bloody work and its playing the cat and mouse game and it seems i can never catch the bloody mouse. I'll blog more later on in the easter break. Meanwhile, here is my new fav song:



It's one thing to ask why we break up
Have you ever wondered why it is we fall in love?
Can you tell me, do you know what it is you're looking for?
Why do we need? Can you tell me why I care?
How is it that we hear that voice that says, 'I want you there'?
Thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
And thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
In a single moment you might be perfect
And sit in a window of my life
But how much, how much more would I yearn to see?
What would I strive to hide, now there will be no compromise?
So take it in your stride, I'll believe you now with a smile
Thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
And thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
Look into my eyes
Ours was no love sacrifice
For it has helped us to grow
And I'm sorry, I know just how far I have to go alone
Thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
And thanks, you've been fuel for thought
Now I'm more lonely than before, but that's okay
I've just ready-made another fucking love song
I've just ready-made another love song
Just ready-made another love song

So we fight as hard as we can. And we try as we might. Does the outcome matter all that much? But we try to the best of our abilities. And work piles and piles.. and deliverables keep on coming and i begin to worry. To some extent, it kinda reminds me of navy. It brings back some nostalgia. I wonder whether anyone really appreciates the work i do. But den again, we try. And we fight. Because really, we try to shine not fr ourselves but for Him. I hope that i am glorifying your name. I hope so. I know i can never compare. But Lord i try.

They say what we do in life echoes through eternity. How true is that?

I've been really max-ed out in school. Am already falling behind on many things. Iquestion whether i have been the more efficient i can be and the answer is no. But i;m going to keep at it. I once had a goal and i;m not going to lose sight of it again.

So i throw myself into the toughest situations i can get into for school and i pray God will do the rest.