For the past few months, if you have read most of my blogs, you'll probably realise that i am confused with sadness and pain from a relationship. For the sake of my army mates whom just might be reading or browsing through when they have nothing to do, I was with a girl whom i loved for about 2 years. Jessica. About October last year, complications happened and i was forced to end it in january though it was the only thing i lived for. I have been searching for answers to why it had to end but over time, i figured that i was probably asking the wrong questions.
Here goes. I'll just type whatever is going through my head so its going to be messy.
I am unsure but i think that i have found e purpose i have been looking for all this while. Ironically, the thought popped up while i was watching White Chicks ( btw its a funny ass show). Back to the topic, Its not a fully developed purpose yet but i am beginning to see certain signs of something rather concrete. Finally.
I'll begin more after especially thanking a few people below:
Janet, June, Bernie, Rosemary, Jane, Anand, Howie, Bobby, Catherine, Vin, Adelene. You guys have truely been my shining light that has enabled me begin climbing out of that never ending bottomless pit. That pitch darkness without a glimmer to residing pain has begin to disipate. The pain is gone but at times, the loniness pays a visit. Ever once in a while. I dunno how to thank you all so i'll just put it here.
Catherine Kay.. I have not missed you out. Neither do i have different classes of friends. I once valued friendship above all. As of now, it has become that once again. There is no such thing as first class or second blarblar classes of friends. The msg above does apply to you as well.
Cheryl, you have been the one whom has held me through the most. Definitely my support in time of need. I will always be there for you whenever i can as well. You are something different. You are someone special. Hope you can say the same for me. I dunno what to say really. I guess i'll say this.
We care,
we share,
we laugh,
we cry.
The threads of love
with which to tie,
the knot of friendship
till we die.
thinking continues...........
to those whom do not know, i am a christian. Not a very good one sad to say. I am a smoker and my image is sadly no where near christ. But i wanna say that i love you lord. I dun care whether others laugh at this or not or find it funny that spirituality comes into play with the problems that i experience. Through this major chapter in my life, i am beginning to see your plan.
Somewhere along the way, i lost sight of whom i was. Totally. I found her though. The one whom i thought would be with me through the end of time. I spent all my time with her. But nothing is ever certain. Xept you lord. I can only blame myself for losing sight of you. Over the last 5 years, i have turned to smoking. To relieve whatever stress or pain or depression in my life. Yes i know its just a temporary release. I wont look back too far else this is going to take forever and i'll never be able to publish it. I have learnt to love. Something i dun think many will understand. I know what it is.
My platoon sergeant had this quote somewhere. it says something lyk this. With ever adversity, every failure, come with it a seed of equivalent valued or benefit. It makes absolute sense to me.
Whether you like it or not, your friends affect and define you in a certain way. To me, ever person whom i meet across this journey, is not by chance.
Even in the army, with such a diversity of characters, you have somehow made me remember. Through the times in there, i learnt to overcome pain. Overcome fear. Overcome depression. etc. To try to step up and lead. Definitely, my mental tolerance has increased greatly.
To x-Hawk company platoon 3 47th ptp batch: desmond (model rec), alex (shorty), daniel (lamp post), brian tay (small brian), dillon (my bitch), jackson teo, jian bang (lim bo seng), you xiang (mickey mouse), jiajun (maximum SPIDER), sian tiong (act garang), alvinder(ostrich), andy, alan(flat foot), teepao(cough cough), raj (whatever), jared, zixiong (towkay), weesiong(snow white), hankeong, ban hong(vincent), squirrel (wei yuan), benny (wink wink), matthew(combat stress), jason (scholar), yin lai, jian long (bronchy, dinosaur), weekee, jackson tang (medic), jing xiong (bear), ke jin (muscle man, valentino, sentosa), singh, hazli (haz), tim (pussy), hongjie (wah sleepy ar?), yinliang (yin lai), brian chua (big brian), thiam heng (moral booster ic), gilbert (bert), john (lorry), gene (according to 3sg ong its s*ck c**k buddy), kenny (commando), ting chye (tie chee). Not forgetting 2lt ismail, 2sg deszo, 3sg didicazli, 3sg ong, 3sg liew, 3sg shawn. Hope i din miss ne one. Thanks again for being our commanders. Though you din ahve much of a choice.
To just simplify it all, i have learnt what love is. But the most important thing left is friendship has once again taken the number one spot for my priorities. I am learning to control emotion. Learning to control the mental power i am blessed with. To push it to the limit. I even dare to say that i am super serious about quitting smoking. But thats a long term goal... maybe by the age of 21. I dun wanna leach on to someone to help me quit. It must be cultivated from within.
I'll have to end it here in case no one wants to read a long long blog...
After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
Moving on down the street
I see people I won't ever meet
Think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
The rhythm of her conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
The battles almost won.
The battles almost won.
