Well, today i have lost seriously alot. lost 4 matches in a day. I have nothing to say. Its going to take me a few months before i can save back that some of money again. i dunno how to explain y i gamble.
Hmmm.... lemme try. As lame as it sounds, it gives me something to look forward to. Each day i wake, i dread it. Sometimes i think that its probably better to just stay in camp and have everything planned out for you and have it all routine. Tmr, i have nothing to look forward to except a movie or something. I wish i did have something to look forward to. Y is my perception like that, i would like to know as well. WHere has the happy go lucky Andre gone? Or was it there was really no such person. A persona is not ruled out.
I have no fucking idea what i am here for. My life is valueless. There is no purpose. No meaning. There was once but i guess that in God's eyes that was questionable to his plan for me. I look back at those times and i feel like crying really. If only time could be turned back. Maybe just you are not ment to derive meaning from someone or something else. One must find his own meaning. I am so tired of searching. In fact at this current moment, i just dun wanna care ne more. But time does not permit me to just trance through it. Every moment drags itself on and searing pain tears me down yet again. I just wanna rest. Even if just for a while. To be able to lie down and relax and not worry about the future. Some of you all may say "cast all your cares on him". i agree. All the FUCKING THEORY is in my head. Its fucking in there but not connected to e heart. Thats what my pastor said. i dunno how to do it. I have asked for help countless times but i dunno what to do.
I dun feel like trying ne more. 5 more days to back in camp. just 5 more but at the same time only 5 more. SIgh. To want to go backor not, the decision does not lie with me.
At least my self declared buddy from my section is coming out tmr. Maybe i can go meet him and all. Sigh.
Not so long ago, i relied on my frisbee team to hold me from falling so deep into this but nothing is reliable is it? Lord i wanna hold oyu so bad but i dunno y i cant bring myself to. A part of me still hates you for taking Jessica. She was the only thing i treasured and the only thing i believed in in this world. Yet the other part does not hate you at all.
Over this period of time, i have learnt much. Sad to say much of the side people normally dun wanna experience. Does this make me stronger? The abstact thoughts are running freely once again.
A song echoes:
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
Lord, you know all i wanna say. I cant express it all here. I guess that only you understand. Amen.
Hmmm.... lemme try. As lame as it sounds, it gives me something to look forward to. Each day i wake, i dread it. Sometimes i think that its probably better to just stay in camp and have everything planned out for you and have it all routine. Tmr, i have nothing to look forward to except a movie or something. I wish i did have something to look forward to. Y is my perception like that, i would like to know as well. WHere has the happy go lucky Andre gone? Or was it there was really no such person. A persona is not ruled out.
I have no fucking idea what i am here for. My life is valueless. There is no purpose. No meaning. There was once but i guess that in God's eyes that was questionable to his plan for me. I look back at those times and i feel like crying really. If only time could be turned back. Maybe just you are not ment to derive meaning from someone or something else. One must find his own meaning. I am so tired of searching. In fact at this current moment, i just dun wanna care ne more. But time does not permit me to just trance through it. Every moment drags itself on and searing pain tears me down yet again. I just wanna rest. Even if just for a while. To be able to lie down and relax and not worry about the future. Some of you all may say "cast all your cares on him". i agree. All the FUCKING THEORY is in my head. Its fucking in there but not connected to e heart. Thats what my pastor said. i dunno how to do it. I have asked for help countless times but i dunno what to do.
I dun feel like trying ne more. 5 more days to back in camp. just 5 more but at the same time only 5 more. SIgh. To want to go backor not, the decision does not lie with me.
At least my self declared buddy from my section is coming out tmr. Maybe i can go meet him and all. Sigh.
Not so long ago, i relied on my frisbee team to hold me from falling so deep into this but nothing is reliable is it? Lord i wanna hold oyu so bad but i dunno y i cant bring myself to. A part of me still hates you for taking Jessica. She was the only thing i treasured and the only thing i believed in in this world. Yet the other part does not hate you at all.
Over this period of time, i have learnt much. Sad to say much of the side people normally dun wanna experience. Does this make me stronger? The abstact thoughts are running freely once again.
A song echoes:
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
Lord, you know all i wanna say. I cant express it all here. I guess that only you understand. Amen.
