its been a few days since the traumatic term ended. I have to admit that i am really very worried about the results, which by the way are released on the 8th. Never really thought that i would have a problem studying once again. My assignment grades have been above average to i am thankful. Just the requirement to pass the main paper is still some what of a hurdle of doubt at the back of my mind. It spores uncertainty. I hate the feeling. But once again i remind myself that what is done is done and there is no turning back time. Just from now till then, i am free.

Wondering whether i should work when i go back to singapore. It will help in earning some money but on the other hand i think that the free time will allow me to learn and focus on alot of the things which i always said that i would do. The issue is whether the lazy ass me will over power the one with all the potential once again.

Yes, i think that i can make it. And yes that means smart. Screw you if you dun think so.

The damn service have kinda screwed me up again. They were supposed to give me a Certificate of Service but i have yet to receive it. Will have to talk to OC at the chalet in dec when i get the chance. I have to get it. It will really affect my CV.

There is going to be so much i have to do when i return... Format computer. Buy new Hard disk, i really really want the 500gb one... mine is already so so full.. like no more space full. damn. so much to do... should i really get a job?

what yu think?

So far its 2 down. 2 more to go. In this short period of time, my goals have deteriorated from getting all distinctions to just passing. I have to admit there is a large portion of me that has suffered from national service. Now i know why Dillon and some others have decided to take some time off. I just never thought that i could not step up to the challenge. I have. But i again have yet to perform to what i wanna accomplish.

There is much turmoil, there is much pain. I am torn apart. Its really the first time that i have been so fucked in the head. Sometimes i wonder whether in my subconscious is choosing to do this to myself. I look into the sky to try to see oblivion knowing ignorance is bliss, but i see nothing. I see no meaning in many things. I cant understand. Am i unconsciously seeking melancholic pleasure. What kinda sick person am i?

As i stand in the balcony and take a long drag, i ask myself how to connect my heart and mind. That has been something that i have been seeking for for ever so long.

As ironic as it is, the only constant is change. I am at a dilemma at a major junction in my life. Whichever i choose, there is no turning back. But thats without God beside you. He is forever constant. I just pray that no matter how much i screw up that you will be standing by me lord. I know of no one else.


Throws on a jacket to cover the cold,
seemingly abandoned, wishing he could just be told
a life so aimless, perspectives defer
he takes a drag hoping it will all disappear.

Caught in between
in need to find the meaning
a path he must choose
which he can never look back
but without your presense he cant see
where is he to look?
what is he to see?
is this just a trial?
one of the many to come maybe?

so many questions
so overwhelmed
the heart chosen
the mind as well
two different choses
in which is he to dwell?

And yet again he comes to you
for answers are not answers without you
waiting for you to speak
waiting for you to choose
is he just pushing the blame?
i hope he is not
coz he read once in a book
that whether choices we make,
God will not overlook.
No matter what we decide,
he will be there,
but all in all
is he just to trust a book?

He does not know how to conclude
coz in his mind its not over
he yet again is to elude
to concentrate on what is of the upmost importance

So he hopes and hopes
that this time like all other times
you will be there
to guide to show
to love and once again bring back hope
if that is the way to go

till now, no comprehension
he must first find himself
so he does all he knows
he sings out a song.

finding myself
at a lost for words
and the funny thing is its ok
last thing i need is to be heard
but to hear what you would say

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak

finding myself in the midst of you
you're the music, you're the noise
all that i need is to be with you
and in the quiet i hear your voice

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
word of god speak

word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty
be still and know
that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak
word of god speak
word of god speak
word of god speak

finding myself at a lost for words
and the funny thing is its ok

Exams are here and its scaring the shit out of me. Arrr.. must study. I have to reprogram my head.

Summoning the matrix:

it begins:


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