As my time in bmt comes to an end within the next month, i look back and remember how i aimed to be either a platoon best, best physical training and stuff, i realise that those dreams are slowly fading. I failed to even get best Pt in the platoon in the last evalution test. Am so tired. Just hope that things will turn out well. Its good that many of our platoon members are beginning to excel so i wish them all the best. All i hope now, is that i will do the best that i can and be all that i can be. My ultimate target is to become an officer. If that fails i at least wanna become a good platoon sergeant. Only time will tell. Within this next month.

Quarrelled with my parents this morn. I hate it when that happens. I was suppose to send them to church and then make my way to my own church but i decided that i did not wanna do that. My dad got really pissed. I admit that my spiritual life is going downhill but i dunno why i dun seem to want to go back to church. I dun really understand it myself. When i agreed on that yesterday, i really din mind going to church but when i awoke this morn, things took a turn. Sigh. Why why why. I wonder.

Situation test is this week and i can only hope that i can do really well in this. There is so much to be done.

well, i am going to return to anime world to watch my naruto as i have no mood to blog right now.

In the field, there is basically nothing for you to do. So i kept thinking... about lotsa stuff.... abstract.... thats probably the thing which tired me out the most. I wont dwell here about how FUCKED UP field camp because if you wanna know what its like you can ask you friends whom have been through it. All or rather most guys will have...

There was a night that i saw fireflies... It was at an abanndoned rubber plantation. Way cool. But doing so, i really miss her. Its seems so long yet its only been 8-9 months ago. Suddenly, i've already been serving the nation for 3 months. Time flies so fast. So fast.

This weeks SIT test is going to be super crucial. Its going to determine whether i have the potential to be an officer. I really do wanna go to OCS rather badly but at the same time, i might just be posted to sispec... well, only time will tell.

i cant take more.. have to go out now.

it happened somewhere around the last day of field camp. Strangely, i had a dream. For all the other days, i had never dreamt of anything. It was something seriously unexpected. seriously. I never did think or do think now that there is even the slightest bit of chance us to get back together. The 2 years we spent just seem to pop up every now and den for no reason. To piss me off>/? I dunno. i am too tired to think. i shall blog again tmr... hopefully
i would give anything just to hold you in my arms once again. Jess, i still miss you.

As i look back at the many posts which i have poured much of what i dare not to say out loud, the pain flows again. The pain not of which is love lost but is the emptiness. The omnipresent void opens again. To many whom read my the shit i post here may be surprised to see a totally different side of me.

Normally, when i am out doing stuff, its not there. I can be a happy go lucky person without a care in the world. Yet when it comes down to reflecting when i am alone for a long time, it comes back. Many may ask, yeah yeah, just go out lar. To me, i kinda have to face this but i admit i do not know how and i am doing rather badly.

It reminds me of the times i treasured when i was in secondary school. The friends i hold dear. The bonds of friendship which i dare not say i believe in anymore. Over time, many of them have been worn thin. Some severed and gone. But mostly lost. How this is possible? Why is it possible? Carefully thinking, the bonds have faded but only one thing has stood by me over all this time and i am not proud of it at all. I am disappointed with myself and disgusted at the lack of will power but at the same time, its what i have relied on for ever so long. Its been there through the good times, the bad, the times when i experienced joy. Pure joy. The times when the showers of tears just refused to end. Everytime i rely on that, i manage to kill myself a little more each time. Reducing the gift of life blessed by god to us. I can imagine many sniggering lyk hey, are you sure you are ashamed by it? My answer to you deep down is yes. Why is it? Because i have nothing else i can say to back up the my heart is weak. The phrase goes "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link."

I have long realised that the jess i loved is no longer here. But more of all, why is it the emptyness seems to spawn? I dare to say now that i no longer love her. That i truely truely don't. Many still up to now ask why its not possible to just try again. I dare not walk down that road. Maybe its just like army. Once you clear it, you'll never wanna go through it again. The main factors are probably the serenity, the support, love?, the times spent, etc etc.. I do believe that i do have a relatively good preception on love now. From the scripture, 1 corinthians 1-13,

¹ Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
⁶does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
¹⁰But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
¹¹When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
¹²For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
¹³And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

using new kings james version but i think that normal kings james version is probably much better. Anyway, back to where i was. My perception was probably just as the secondary colours are to the primary colours.

After typing and typing, my train of thought is once again severed by the disturbances around. I know for a fact that in time, i will find the one whom i will spend the rest of my life with and say the words, To have and to hold, from this day forward, For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, Till death do us part. but as of now, i need to take a smoke.

Came back at about 6am and i seriously still cant have a good nights rest. Why is that so? Stupid bastards just have to start drilling the things downstairs and its caused me to wake from the much needed sleep... Need it bad....

AR.. thank god i dun have a hang over... sigh... tired though. sigh..

Field camp is about to start also.. I wun be able to book out next week... Its such a shame... I'd really wanna come home and lie on my bed... yawn... time for anime...

I sit on the computer chair again, Forgetting when the last time i blogged. So much has happened in my camp. I'm sorry for talking about army but thats my life rite? thats all i have now and it'll be all i have for the mext 2 years or so. Its like a serious time consuming job.

I hate to admit it but i do kinda like army. Its something that one has to learn to love.

Well, i had an argument with my parents yesterday about my future. What i'm going to study after army and where... etc etc.... sometimes it gets so irritating that i cant take it. I feel like bursting out and just flaring but i have to myself to respect them for more than i can take simply coz i love them too much and i know that they want the best for me.

Have not mentioned much but the reason why i dun wanna stay in Singapore to carry out my tertiary education is because i have too much here that i remember. Could it be that i will regret if i do not stay? Its a debate to leave behind all that i have. All that i know for the 20 years of my life. I dun wanna remember jess too. I never want our roads to cross again. If i see her now, it be different. It be painful to the point of tears because the person whom i love (or have loved) with all i had is no longer the one i remember. Australia is a place i've been to many a times as a kid. Thanks lots to my parents. Its the culture there maybe? i cant imagine just not being able to drive to some beach or something and relax. Singapore is just so tense. Everything is moving at such a fucking fast pace.

I wish i had someone to rely on. Someone to be there for me. I'm afraid to find such a person though. The contradiction of yet another level. I have nothing to give. But on the other hand, if she can really sweep me off my feet den i cant say anything. I admit. I admit. I am afraid of loving again. There is too much at stake. Its like betting with a currency so expensive that no one has much of. Feelings.

Enough said for now.. time to ANIME!!!!!!!!

awaiting:
inuyasha 161
Gungrave
naruto 95