OK. now time to let all the thoughts out... sigh. Wanted to get that done yesterday but unfortunately, i got stressed out and couldn do shit... Anand and i had a talk yesterday or was it the day before.... the day before on a couple a things... Mostly on how army is going to be affecting everyone.
Gerls usually say that army brings out the man in the guy. I really to a certain extent disagree. But i'll never know till i go in and get out. To me, army is the beginning of when we are going to start thinking of lotsa things. Basically, this is due to the fact that we cant do nothing else. If your superior says like the floor, you had better do it. Army probably makes pple think when they dun wanna. Sometimes, i really admire those who are able to be oblivious to their surroundings. They feel no pain, no worries. But at the same time, i doubt that they give a rats ass about their future so i can never be like that. But thats no wanna talk about to i shall stop the abstractness..... The question here is, what is army to me.
National service is a prison sentence all males have to endure from the point that their maternal mother chooses to bear them in the island of singapore. I wish my mom did not do that but i cant say that its a bad decision either. Have not told many this but before i was born, or was it when i was very young, my parents actually thought about migrating. To down under, Australia. If the first thing that came to your mind was HELL, go fuck yourself. They applied for the green card and all and they got it. YES they got it. But they decided to stay here. Damn rite? I'd be having my own car, an apartment and all. Well, these things are not decided by us and i dun blame my parents whatsoever. If they had been, i would have gotten to know so many pple and experience many things which has influenced who i am at this point of time. I could have turned out to be a druggie, a hippy, blar blar. Things could have gone terribly wrong over there and if could have been really great as well. But.. just but. Here i am in Singapore. Waiting patiently as the time draws near. I dread every moment of it. To the extent you can not even comprehend.
There are so many things which i have wanted to do before this. Get my license, a webbie, etc. all of which i have not yet achieved. Its really fucked up. I have been really fucked up. Last night, i got really stressed up and had to take a fag. I think you can read that in another post somewhere below. Yeah i blogged about it before i went. Thing is, after that when i was on my bed, i couldn get to sleep. Physically drained. But still, no rest felt as if it was going to dawn on me. I haven had a gd sleep in days. I think that tonight i'll have to drink again just to get the rest required for my to be able to last through another day. My project dateline is in a couple of weeks. I haven done shit. I really hope that Wenyao will be able to help me out on this. I really cannot do it. If not, i'm going to be staying back for another 3 months or so for failing my FYP. Thats going to be really serious. As much as i'd like to not enter army so quickily and i wanna try to enjoy myself before i go in, my future will be affected greatly.
I feel a burden to whisper a pray. Lord, from the beginning of you calling me back to you, i shunned you away. But den i came to realise that things are the way they are and i remember a word you gave to soemone clearly that i can no longer run from you. Life seems rather meaningless, this rat race. I went back to you but somewhere along the line, i have lost sight of you. I cannot say that it has not been my own doing because it has. Up to now, i still cannot understand y you brought turmoil in my life to crumble it all and rebuild me and thus have never questioned you. But lord, I'm beginning to wonder. Y? I wanna just travel on... i have to move but what am i missing which disallows me to do so? I will be trying my best to seek you with all that i have left. I will try. Its very hard. PLease remain patient with me. I'm so sorry. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open. I will. I will be seeking you once again. Please find me if i cant find you. Grant me your grace though i am unworthy. I go on my knees with a heavy heart in search for you. Show me the answer to take away this pain. I wanna stand on my own 2 feet again. But most of all Lord, your will be done. Whether its to break me once again or whatever it is, Your will be done. I pray now with a heavy heart. Please hear me and grant me the peace of mind. All these i pray. Knowing that you are my king. In your precious name. Amen
life is too frail. Last night on the way to dinner, weiliang was driving and we say an ambulance rushing to a motorcyclist who had been knock down or something. It was bad. What was the outcome of that i dunno. Life is just so frail to me. If i die today, will there be neone who will cry? WIll there be pple who remember me? What have i done in this life to influence others. When i go for judgement and have to answer to him, will He say well done my good and faithful servant? At this time, I might just drop to hell.
My heart begins to lighten. But the stress and thoughts of the datelines approaching do not leave me. I feel like lying down. But i'm in school. I actually got the timing which i am supposed to see my teacher today wrong. Damn. The stress begins. The pressure builds. I believe without You i will crumble. Lord remain close to me and cover me with your blood.
What do i wanna do in life? What step am i going to take when that chooses my future? will i regret it? will i not? Will i be happy? or will my life turn to rot? So many answers i've yet to find and never have i had such little time. hmmm..
Please pray for me pple. I'm getting scared.
I need a rest to calm myself down.
-lays head on table-
Gerls usually say that army brings out the man in the guy. I really to a certain extent disagree. But i'll never know till i go in and get out. To me, army is the beginning of when we are going to start thinking of lotsa things. Basically, this is due to the fact that we cant do nothing else. If your superior says like the floor, you had better do it. Army probably makes pple think when they dun wanna. Sometimes, i really admire those who are able to be oblivious to their surroundings. They feel no pain, no worries. But at the same time, i doubt that they give a rats ass about their future so i can never be like that. But thats no wanna talk about to i shall stop the abstractness..... The question here is, what is army to me.
National service is a prison sentence all males have to endure from the point that their maternal mother chooses to bear them in the island of singapore. I wish my mom did not do that but i cant say that its a bad decision either. Have not told many this but before i was born, or was it when i was very young, my parents actually thought about migrating. To down under, Australia. If the first thing that came to your mind was HELL, go fuck yourself. They applied for the green card and all and they got it. YES they got it. But they decided to stay here. Damn rite? I'd be having my own car, an apartment and all. Well, these things are not decided by us and i dun blame my parents whatsoever. If they had been, i would have gotten to know so many pple and experience many things which has influenced who i am at this point of time. I could have turned out to be a druggie, a hippy, blar blar. Things could have gone terribly wrong over there and if could have been really great as well. But.. just but. Here i am in Singapore. Waiting patiently as the time draws near. I dread every moment of it. To the extent you can not even comprehend.
There are so many things which i have wanted to do before this. Get my license, a webbie, etc. all of which i have not yet achieved. Its really fucked up. I have been really fucked up. Last night, i got really stressed up and had to take a fag. I think you can read that in another post somewhere below. Yeah i blogged about it before i went. Thing is, after that when i was on my bed, i couldn get to sleep. Physically drained. But still, no rest felt as if it was going to dawn on me. I haven had a gd sleep in days. I think that tonight i'll have to drink again just to get the rest required for my to be able to last through another day. My project dateline is in a couple of weeks. I haven done shit. I really hope that Wenyao will be able to help me out on this. I really cannot do it. If not, i'm going to be staying back for another 3 months or so for failing my FYP. Thats going to be really serious. As much as i'd like to not enter army so quickily and i wanna try to enjoy myself before i go in, my future will be affected greatly.
I feel a burden to whisper a pray. Lord, from the beginning of you calling me back to you, i shunned you away. But den i came to realise that things are the way they are and i remember a word you gave to soemone clearly that i can no longer run from you. Life seems rather meaningless, this rat race. I went back to you but somewhere along the line, i have lost sight of you. I cannot say that it has not been my own doing because it has. Up to now, i still cannot understand y you brought turmoil in my life to crumble it all and rebuild me and thus have never questioned you. But lord, I'm beginning to wonder. Y? I wanna just travel on... i have to move but what am i missing which disallows me to do so? I will be trying my best to seek you with all that i have left. I will try. Its very hard. PLease remain patient with me. I'm so sorry. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open. I will. I will be seeking you once again. Please find me if i cant find you. Grant me your grace though i am unworthy. I go on my knees with a heavy heart in search for you. Show me the answer to take away this pain. I wanna stand on my own 2 feet again. But most of all Lord, your will be done. Whether its to break me once again or whatever it is, Your will be done. I pray now with a heavy heart. Please hear me and grant me the peace of mind. All these i pray. Knowing that you are my king. In your precious name. Amen
life is too frail. Last night on the way to dinner, weiliang was driving and we say an ambulance rushing to a motorcyclist who had been knock down or something. It was bad. What was the outcome of that i dunno. Life is just so frail to me. If i die today, will there be neone who will cry? WIll there be pple who remember me? What have i done in this life to influence others. When i go for judgement and have to answer to him, will He say well done my good and faithful servant? At this time, I might just drop to hell.
My heart begins to lighten. But the stress and thoughts of the datelines approaching do not leave me. I feel like lying down. But i'm in school. I actually got the timing which i am supposed to see my teacher today wrong. Damn. The stress begins. The pressure builds. I believe without You i will crumble. Lord remain close to me and cover me with your blood.
What do i wanna do in life? What step am i going to take when that chooses my future? will i regret it? will i not? Will i be happy? or will my life turn to rot? So many answers i've yet to find and never have i had such little time. hmmm..
Please pray for me pple. I'm getting scared.
I need a rest to calm myself down.
-lays head on table-
