I wrote this on a piece of paper while waiting for Nigel and Gen at Suntec to go to the IT fair. Its only now that i have the time to actually type it out.
Read at your own risk. Am an abstract thinker so......
here goes..
The day begins with a dream. Or is it a nightmare? I cannot distinguish. One thing i do know for sure is God has spoken to me through it. It seems that whats never ment to be will never be. Sad truth? Hard truth? Truth. Period. Seems that no matter how hard i try, things just will not go away. Have been trying to face it and run away at the same time. Contradictory? Very. But.... i believe that the time has come where i can no longer run away. Face it i must, though how to, i cannot tell. Affirmation? Most probably. Can't Deny.
It talks of being still with God. Something that seems to have depleted over the past few months. Thats the purpose i have been at for so long yet i know down deep inside that the process is not over. There is a long long way to go. Situations occur for a reason and i have been focusing much on the things that dun make a difference anymore. Why? When? How?I cant fucking comprehend the bloody thing. I think too much.
Has my heart not hardened? I think that it has. I know that it has. but is it supposed to be this way? I stand here before you with no answers. Psychologically battles rage within. Of a future of what might or might not have been. Over the past few days, some songs have re-surfaced in my head a new purpose. How new? Not very. Just those that i have not dared to face. Even writing this all these thoughts down seems so foreign yet embedded so deep in my heart. I no longer know who i am anymore.
The process which had begun has not reached the end yet. am assured though that "He who has begun a new work within me will be faithful to complete it". Some how a strange peace falls upin me when i write this. Maybe its been too long since i have actually dared to say it out. Have been in ths turmoil for so long due to the hard-headedness is uppose. Today has been a day of revelation in a way. I can no longer run. No longer hide. It has to be faced.
Guess that the last few doubts i have about this i'll place here. While listening to my PDA before it knocked out (due to not sync-ing for so long.. damn it), i was dewelling on a song by Our Lady Peace entitled 4am. The words "and if i dun make it know that i loved you all along" echoed repeatedly.. Words bring out so much meaning and everything. If only i was an artist. The saying goes "a picture is worth a thousand words" rite? Maybe i would not have to spend so much time writing this and lose all the precious musing thoughts.
Hmmmm/.... writing does seem to sooth me down a little so i guess that i will be writing much more in the times to come. Maybe? Nah. definitely.
So much has happened so quickily within the past half a year. Events have come and gone and oppotunities passed by yet i have taken hold of many only to release that thats no longer what i want in life. Only one stands its ground and foundation over all this time.
Lord i wanna love you with all my heart, soul and mind. Only you will never change. If my purpose here on earth is to do your will and you will is for me is to go through all of this and learn, understand, mourn etc, it will be done. Please be patient with me though. Due to the riots within i am taken longer den expected. For a long time now, i've wondered whether i am was a martyr to begin with. If only i knew. If only.
The world is so fucked up now. The end days are probably here. Probably. I wonder if i'll ever be able to glorify your name and spread the gospel. I am unclear. But i will try. Thought the outcomei still can't tell. I can no longer stand upon my own 2 feet. I am weak. So many more hurdles to overomce. How is it possible? Only with you can i cross these.
I fail to understnad how the plagues of pple can go about life without you.
Can their void be filled?
Guess we'll see in time.
--------Nigel and Gen arrive------------
Train of thoughts broken
-end-
Read at your own risk. Am an abstract thinker so......
here goes..
The day begins with a dream. Or is it a nightmare? I cannot distinguish. One thing i do know for sure is God has spoken to me through it. It seems that whats never ment to be will never be. Sad truth? Hard truth? Truth. Period. Seems that no matter how hard i try, things just will not go away. Have been trying to face it and run away at the same time. Contradictory? Very. But.... i believe that the time has come where i can no longer run away. Face it i must, though how to, i cannot tell. Affirmation? Most probably. Can't Deny.
It talks of being still with God. Something that seems to have depleted over the past few months. Thats the purpose i have been at for so long yet i know down deep inside that the process is not over. There is a long long way to go. Situations occur for a reason and i have been focusing much on the things that dun make a difference anymore. Why? When? How?I cant fucking comprehend the bloody thing. I think too much.
Has my heart not hardened? I think that it has. I know that it has. but is it supposed to be this way? I stand here before you with no answers. Psychologically battles rage within. Of a future of what might or might not have been. Over the past few days, some songs have re-surfaced in my head a new purpose. How new? Not very. Just those that i have not dared to face. Even writing this all these thoughts down seems so foreign yet embedded so deep in my heart. I no longer know who i am anymore.
The process which had begun has not reached the end yet. am assured though that "He who has begun a new work within me will be faithful to complete it". Some how a strange peace falls upin me when i write this. Maybe its been too long since i have actually dared to say it out. Have been in ths turmoil for so long due to the hard-headedness is uppose. Today has been a day of revelation in a way. I can no longer run. No longer hide. It has to be faced.
Guess that the last few doubts i have about this i'll place here. While listening to my PDA before it knocked out (due to not sync-ing for so long.. damn it), i was dewelling on a song by Our Lady Peace entitled 4am. The words "and if i dun make it know that i loved you all along" echoed repeatedly.. Words bring out so much meaning and everything. If only i was an artist. The saying goes "a picture is worth a thousand words" rite? Maybe i would not have to spend so much time writing this and lose all the precious musing thoughts.
Hmmmm/.... writing does seem to sooth me down a little so i guess that i will be writing much more in the times to come. Maybe? Nah. definitely.
So much has happened so quickily within the past half a year. Events have come and gone and oppotunities passed by yet i have taken hold of many only to release that thats no longer what i want in life. Only one stands its ground and foundation over all this time.
Lord i wanna love you with all my heart, soul and mind. Only you will never change. If my purpose here on earth is to do your will and you will is for me is to go through all of this and learn, understand, mourn etc, it will be done. Please be patient with me though. Due to the riots within i am taken longer den expected. For a long time now, i've wondered whether i am was a martyr to begin with. If only i knew. If only.
The world is so fucked up now. The end days are probably here. Probably. I wonder if i'll ever be able to glorify your name and spread the gospel. I am unclear. But i will try. Thought the outcomei still can't tell. I can no longer stand upon my own 2 feet. I am weak. So many more hurdles to overomce. How is it possible? Only with you can i cross these.
I fail to understnad how the plagues of pple can go about life without you.
Can their void be filled?
Guess we'll see in time.
--------Nigel and Gen arrive------------
Train of thoughts broken
-end-
